Find that funny?

[Ecc3ntrik]

I am writing this for the Build Up Your Gang topic in the GTA IV forum. I just thought I would post it here and see what you guys think. C&C Please?

 

 

Korean Mob

Find that funny? Part 1

 

I sighed. I got into my PMP 600, and took the three mile drive to my workplace of Modo, in Northwood. It was a really horrible place, but it was the best job I could get, so what was I meant to do? Well, at least I was the manager, but I guess that was because I was the only person who even worked there. As usual, I lifted the shutters, unlocked the doors and turned on the arcade machine, which I quite liked, as I had the key to it, and I could play it for free when business was slow. Then my first customer arrived, he was a young, rough looking man. He had scruffy brown hair, green eyes and he was wearing a Green and Blue Spyde jacket, brown cargo pants, black boots, but most noticeably, he had a blue face rag. I thought nothing of it, alot of the people around here wore them. He was mumbling into his phone, but I couldn't make out what he was saying, he sounded foreign, East European maybe? He purchased a vivid floral shirt and a pair of Blue trainers and left.

 

Soon after, my next customer came. This guy seemed pretty ordinary, he dressed like any normal person would, but I was soon to find out that he wasn't ordinary, he was going to be my worst customer to date. I leant against the till, and waited. All of a sudden, I heard a smash and a car alarm. A group of people ran into the shop, and the man who was inside the shop ran outside. The bastards were stealing my car! While I was distracted, one of the men inside the shop had snuck behind me. I was pushed to the floor and then I felt something that I never thought I would feel. No you dirty people, it was a gun, the cold hard barrel pushed against the back of my neck. To be precise, it was a sawn-off shotgun - don't ask me how I know, I just did, a sixth sense perhaps? The men within the shop were all dressed kind of like my first customer, I should have realised there was something wrong. They were emptying the till, emptying the rails and shouting to each other.

 

Suddenly, the first man who came into the shop burst through the door.

"We've got ten minutes, guys." He shouted,

"Alright, don't worry - we will be gone by then," another man replied.

I couldn't believe it, I could die within the next few minutes, a tear fell from my eye. There was so much I hadn't accomplished yet, hell, I hadn't accomplished anything. I was a waste. I broke down and burst out in tears. One of the men began to laugh at me. How could somebody be so cruel? But I had to stay strong, if I were to get out of here alive.

"You find that funny, punk?" I said, in a stern voice.

The man trembled, was he actually going to back off?

"Oh b- f- a- sh*t... We have got to get out of here!" He shouted.

For there was something I haven't told you. My father, Tetsuja Saito, was one of the biggest crime bosses back in his day. He was known for his illustrious voice and his way with words. I now realised, what had happened. When I was younger, my father taught me all about what to do if I was ever attacked or put in a bad situation. He told me to stay calm, but try and talk my way through it. These thugs had realised who I was, they had realised I was the son of Tetsuja Saito. But I didn't want to be known as that, I hated my father. He killed my mother in cold blood, and nobody ever found out why. He was shot dead by my uncle the next day, who was then jailed for thirty-four years. My name was changed to Shinji Ozaki, all records of me ever existing were deleted and I was given $8,000 by the government to get plastic surgery. They told me that if anybody ever found out I was the son of Tetsuja Saito, I would also be killed. Not by my family, but by the other gang bosses. All of the other men were getting worried, and took off with just the money. Two of them hopped into my PMP 600, and the other three men ran off down the street. My identity was no longer a secret, but I had to sort out this mess before anybody else found out.

[saltinespike]

Eh, it's a nice little effort. Just filled with scattered tense changes, grammatical and punctuation errors, and most importantly, a lack of connection to the character through emotion. He hated his father, awesome, but I didn't sense the hate as I did a "state-the-facts" narration. He's getting robbed, cool, but where's the panic? All there is is a realization of what is happening, no emotion. Describe what's going on, paint your story with words. Remember, we're not seeing what you see inside your head; you have to describe it in as best of detail as you can.

[Ecc3ntrik]

Thankyou for the criticism. I will bear that in mind in my next chapter.

[Ecc3ntrik]

Korean Mob

Find that funny? Part 2

 

I was so shook up. I didn't know what to do. I stumbled to my feet, and out of anger, I smashed my hand through the glass counter. Argh! My skin tore back, why did I do that?! It hurt so much. I decided that it would be best to contact my boss. I took my cell phone out of my pocket with my other hand, that is when reality hit. I could leave, my boss didn't even know who I was. He didn't know where I lived, my last name or what sort of car I drove. There was over $2300 in the till, don't ask me why he never took it - but he didn't, he just left it there gathering dust - and now it was gone. I could walk out of here right now and he would be none the wiser, but I knew that wasn't the right thing to do. I began to dial his number. 71... Oh my god, 483, what had I done? 56... 932. I had done it. 714 835 6932. My hands trembled and my vains began to bulge, I felt dizzy. I stumbled out of the shop and the world began to spin, I stammered, trying to get the attention of somebody, but people looked at me like I was some sort of wierdo, like I was a stoner. It made me feel sick how people could just go on with their lives while I felt like I was about to die, surely somebody must have noticed. My legs took over, and I fell down like a sack of bricks. I felt my head hit the gravel, and something dug into my hand. I must have landed extremely hard... I blacked out.

 

A short while later, or what I thought was a short while later, I woke up in hospital - only to be greeted by a familiar looking man, but I couldn't put my finger on who he was and I thought to myself that this could possibly be a result of everything that had happened.

"Hello Shinji," he said to me, "I am your boss, it's me Jerry, you remember me don't you?" he calmly said.

I tried to speak, but I was interrupted by a doctor, dressed in light blue scrubs

"Don't speak, you are too weak. You had a close shave, didn't you mate?" He questioned, "well don't worry... We will have you back up and running in no time. I am just going to go and get you some fresh clothes." He explained.

Then he left the room. I was keen to find out more about my boss, and find out more about what had happened.

"Alright, you listen to me kid. You tell anybody about this, and i'll slit your throat. You can carry on working if you want, but I swear, I am a man of my word - I will have you killed." He hissed, and he left, slamming the doors behind him.

I couldn't believe it. Was my own boss in on the robbery? Perhaps an attempt to commit insurance fraud? But why would he need money when he had over $2,000 just from selling clothes? He could have possibly been working with a gang. There were so many questions, but so little answers. But there was one thing for sure, I wasn't going to let this go, I was going to get back at the people who had done this to me, and especially my boss. Carry on working there? That sounded ridiculous, why would I carry on working there after finding out my boss was a madman? He should be the one banged up, but not in a hospital, in a mental institute. I was going to settle this, but first, I had to focus on recovering.

[saltinespike]

Please refrain from double-posting.

[Ecc3ntrik]

Alright, sorry, but can you comment on it?

[Jordy.]

Please refrain from double-posting.

Why does it matter? I saw an Admin triple post once.

 

Also, if he edited his post, people won't know that the second part has been uploaded unless they open up the topic and see for themselves. If he makes a new post however, the new post icon will appear and everyone will be aware of the update.

[saltinespike]

Please refrain from double-posting.

Why does it matter? I saw an Admin triple post once.

 

Also, if he edited his post, people won't know that the second part has been uploaded unless they open up the topic and see for themselves. If he makes a new post however, the new post icon will appear and everyone will be aware of the update.

Take the rules up with the Admins, not me. I respect the rules and expect everyone else to. That's fair. The fact an Admin triple-posted is unfortunate, but doesn't concern me; this does. If there are further problems that require discussion, please PM me. There's no need to spam up a story's topic with a discussion of rules.

[Chunk]

 

Please refrain from double-posting.

Why does it matter? I saw an Admin triple post once.

 

Also, if he edited his post, people won't know that the second part has been uploaded unless they open up the topic and see for themselves. If he makes a new post however, the new post icon will appear and everyone will be aware of the update.

Take the rules up with the Admins, not me. I respect the rules and expect everyone else to. That's fair. The fact an Admin triple-posted is unfortunate, but doesn't concern me; this does. If there are further problems that require discussion, please PM me. There's no need to spam up a story's topic with a discussion of rules.

When did you become a mod? There have been plenty of other stories in here which have had double, maybe even triple posts in them, but you had to pick on this one story because this guy was new and it gave you a feeling of being high and mighty telling him not to double post. He just wanted someone to comment on his story, not get a smug warning. Ignoring you, I'm going to comment on this story like the writer wanted us to. You'll probably want to retaliate to this, but like you said, PM me.

 

It's a decent enough story, maybe a little revision over it to get it just right so you'll earn more money in BUYG. And try to make your stories longer, don't drag them out, but more description can help you do this without dragging it along. Post it in the BUYG topic and see what they think, but post some more stories in here in the future, I'd like to see more of your work.

[Rhoda]

 

When did you become a mod? There have been plenty of other stories in here which have had double, maybe even triple posts in them, but you had to pick on this one story because this guy was new and it gave you a feeling of being high and mighty telling him not to double post. He just wanted someone to comment on his story, not get a smug warning. Ignoring you, I'm going to comment on this story like the writer wanted us to. You'll probably want to retaliate to this, but like you said, PM me.

Regardless, there's unwritten rules regarding double posting and if I see any going on that I believe to be out of order or unruly I'll deal with it. In this case, seeing as the poster is new and he did post with new content I'll let it go. However, please try to edit the last post made. Don't worry, it will get noticed.

 

If I may review it I thought it was a solid enough piece to warrant entry into BUYG straight away. I find first person narration (especially present tense) to be very hard to pull off properly but you've done it in an acceptable fashion. I quit liked the second chapter as it seemed to flow better than the first, and that's the only way you're ever going to improve; keep hammering it. BUYG is a strong, mature community that will rate stories accurately and fairly. I see no problem with keeping your strand going in this topic, either.

Edited April 10, 2009 by Masterkraft

[Ecc3ntrik]

Two parts here.

 

Korean Mob

Find that funny? Part 3 The Preparation

 

After Two weeks in hospital, and many tests later, I was finally discharged from the hospital. I didn't even have a job anymore but that was the least of my worries, I had a stash at home which would get me by for the next few weeks. Suddenly, I spotted an envelope on the floor, I noticed it had some writing on so I grabbed it. I managed to grab it, I quickly ripped it open and found a letter enclosed, along with $150 and a familiar looking set of keys.

 

We can do it Shin x

P.S. Check the parking lot.

 

Who had this come from? It could only be from one person, my girlfriend Megan Roberts. She is beautiful! She has silky, long Brown hair, Blue eyes and a great body. She has an amazing personality aswell, she makes me laugh so much. Why would she send me this, and why didn't she come to the hospital to see me? Why had nobody picked up this envelope before? It didn't matter. I jogged to the parking lot and there she was. Megan, and my PMP 600.

"Hey darling" I said.

"Hiiiii," she said, "i'm so sorry I couldn't come to the hospital baby, I was on a business trip. I missed you so much."

"I missed you aswell, I love you. But why are you here?" I whispered.

"I'm going to help you get them back," But I interrupted her and explained that they were extremely dangerous, and they were killers.

"No, I really want to help you Shinji, I love you, and I don't care how dangerous they are. They have to pay for doing this," she insisted. Megan beckoned me towards the trunk of the car. She gave me a pair of gloves and told me to put them on. She then handed me a pistol. I had told her that I had a pistol and a baseball bat by my bedside, just incase I was ever broken in to, and she had brought them - how sweet.

 

"I have been doing some research, and I think I know who has done this to you. They are known as the East Side Ballers and your boss Jerry is one of their leaders, you have been working for them all the time. I know it seems odd, but it was all a set up. They cased the store on insurance fraud, they haven't had much income lately and Jerry was expecting around a $6,000 payout for the cash stolen, damages and most importantly - pain and suffering." Megan explained.

"How sick can you get? I went through so much," I hissed.

"I know you did hun, and we are gonna get them back, my sources have informed me that they hideout in an old abandoned building over on Argus St in Tudor, I have also found out that their is an entrance to the building in the old railroad tunnel, we can enter from there and make our way to the top - where the leaders reside, I have figured out that the best time for us to go is tonight, %75 of the gang members are out collecting protection money from 6PM - 9PM, that is when we will make our move." Megan preached.

"Alright, what time is it now?" Megan looked at her cell phone, and it was 3:45PM.

She told me it was best for us to go and get prepared now, stock up on bullets, and quickly get something to eat.

"Can you drive us? I still feel a bit uneasy, well at least for driving."

We got into the car, and began making our way towards the Burger Shot on Owl Creek Ave. We was gonna get them back, kill off them East Side Ballers. There are over 150 of them, but they are no match for me and Megan.

 

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Korean Mob

Find that funny? Part 4 The Showdown

 

We arrived on Argus St at 7PM, we had been and got something to eat and decided to get a change of clothing just to be safe, for after the showdown. Then we made our way down the old railroad tunnel and I could clearly see where the entrance was. There was a strong smell of weed and I could see all of the graffiti heading down the tunnel. There was a bright light at the entrance, obviously because they wasn't going to chill in the dark. I looked the shiz, in my black tracksuit, fingerless gloves and I was carrying a 9mm pistol. This was all too similar for some people, which made me churn inside, but I couldn't back out now, I didn't care about what happened. All I ever wanted was to see Megan smiling, and I knew this would do it. I could feel the adrenaline running through me, I felt as if I was bouncing off of the walls.

 

"Alright, lets do this!" I shouted.

Obviously it wasn't going to be a good move, shouting and all, but that was my plan. If I coud lure them out, I had them right where I wanted. Megan was bent down behind an abandoned car and I ducked by a ledge. I estimated that there would be around 35 gang members, plus the leaders up top. Five ballers came running out, and peered around aimlessly.

"Huh?" They said.

BANG. I took him clean out with a headshot, the fat bald guy, he looked annoying so I popped him. The other ballers turned, but yet they couldn't see me. I knew that there was a possibility they may find Megan, she was wearing perfume. I picked up a brick that was left on the floor and chucked it down the other end of the tunnel whilst the ballers wasn't looking. Three of them ran towards the distraction, but the other one just seemed to stand still. I signaled to Megan, she stood up and slowly creeped towards the thug. Then I saw blood squirt, I was so proud of her, she had slit his throat. Two down, thirty-five more to go, I was doing such a brutal thing, yet it felt great. I stood up quickly, and began shooting towards the three ballers. They turned round and returned fire, but I rolled and managed to take Two of them out. The final man creeped towards me and I shivered.

"Come out you little bastard!" He hissed.

He tumbled to the ground, and then I saw a face peering down at me; it was Megan.

 

I felt an urge to go on ahead, so I stormed into the hideout and took out ten more gang members simply by just shooting around, this was so good and now I knew why so many people got in to gangs - not just for the green and hash, there were stacks of coke by the door but I couldn't risk taking any, just incase I left any of the gang alive which was very unlikely. I can't even remember what happened next. I just powered through them all, and then I saw a small and thin man. The very man who arranged this along with my boss, he confessed everything to me. It turns out that Jerry is actually the leader of the East Side Ballers, and this scrawny little man known only as Malcolm was the co-leader. He begged me, but I didn't have time for any of his sh*t. I shot him in both kneecaps and he fell to the floor.

"Please, just spare my life..." He pleaded.

"You really think I would spare you after what I have been through?" I yelled,

and with that, I shoved the gun to his face and pulled the trigger, and with something as simple as that, he was dead. My shirt was bloodstained by now. Megan was behind me, she had a smug little grin on her face, I grinned back at her and we carried on up the stairs. But I wasn't prepared for what I found, the very man who betrayed me was stood right in front of me, I spat in front of him. He didn't have any weapons or his crew to protect him now. It was just me and him, apart from one small rucksack that lay next to him.

"There is $25,000 in this rucksack. Take it, and spare my life. It's your decision." He mumbled.

I turned to Megan, but her face was just blank.