Red

[Wanted Assailant]

I noticed that Red isn't heroic as he claims to be. He's more like a f*cking spastic psycho who's evilly ambitious. This other guy must be just like him.

[Eminence]

Yes, I understand perfectly well it showed his brutality. I'm not an idiot.

 

However, there's more ways to describe brutality and rape than 'Red felt his bulge growing, he pressed his erect penis up against her ass, he made her ass bleed from his massive dong's thrusting, he couldn't hold it in anymore and came in her ass'. It's trashy.

 

Reminds me of that god-awful f*cking fad where everyone here deemed it massively hilarious when people wrote stories like this.

[Chunk]

You have to understand man, that I haven't written a scene like that before. I appreciate your views on in, but cut me some slack, rape isn't my specialty.

 

Writing it anyway.

[Jordy.]

Writing it anyway.

Oh, you.

 

It wasn't bad. Eminence pretty much pointed out the mistakes but that wasn't what bothered me. It's that Red's character seems to have changed dramatically in this latest segment, from the violent hero he was made out to be.

[Chunk]

I've given this a read-over again and I'm not happy with it. I'm gonna re-write it soon enough. I feel like I've betrayed Red's character. I'll have the revised version up soon.

[El Zilcho]

I don't understand in the slightest why Red would:

 

1. Say whores were the next on his list to kill if one of them is his main informer

2. Why would he rape her? I mean, it seemed preetty pointless to me (I know Eminence pointed this out) but was there any need.

3. He doesn't seem like a hero at all, but more like a killer who just enjoys killing other killers.

4. I feel he has changed way too much since the first one, escpecially for the fact he raped her, which in itself is a heinous crime.

 

I'm not sure that entire chapter worked for me at all, but keep it up, it can still be good.

 

EDIT: Saw above post, good call.

Edited March 24, 2009 by El Zilcho

[Lethal Nizzle]

Yeah I was a little lost with this chapter; Red left his crime-fighting vigilante persona behind, which was a little odd. I look forward to seeing the revised version.

[Oxidizer]

I thought he was in character, just that we were starting to see different sides to his personality. He follows his own twisted set of morals, maybe his hooker informant, in his eyes, is somehow acceptable because she's helping his self-imposed crusade. That and for all we know he might've had plans to kill her once he'd finished 'cleaning up' anyway. I thought the latest chapter made him a little bit complex.