Trouble

[Saggy]

So I wrote this today. I've been thinking about this story arch for a while, but I figured putting it up as a short story would be helpful in determining what I should change.

Most of the stuff referenced--gangs, towns, places--are real, but the names and of course the events are all fabricated.

What do you guys think? I think my dialog could be stronger, but I'm not really sure how to hone it. As for setting descriptions, I'm usually much more elaborative and detailed, but I felt like concentrated on plot this time rather than detail, I'm just not sure if I upset the balance at some points.

Edited February 12, 2017 by SagaciousKJB

[Eminence]

The general description is fairly basic, as you've said, but I think it kind of works well with the piece - I really got a sense of atmosphere and character from it, going into the mind of this character as events on this specific night start to unfold. The dialogue started off pretty well, but I can see what you were saying about maybe that needing to be improved slightly - a couple lines seemed a little unnatural, but only moderately. In all it was pretty engaging if I'm honest, the only thing I noticed was some slightly off sentence structuring - some instances of repetition where one or two lines basically said "we did this, we did that", although that truly was only on one or two occasions. I'd like to see where else it's planned to go - so far, I really simply enjoyed the plot details as opposed to locale description, and I think it really worked in favour of the piece.

[Oblivionz]

I want more. Definitely not the most description in the world, but it flows really well and keeps the reader attracted.

[ToyMachine]

It was really fun, really engaging. I enjoyed it. My only beef with this is that you make the two protagonists seem like normal stoner/rocker types just looking for weed and then change them to two people possibly involved with the criminal underworld.

 

Example

 

if the Surenos found it, they might know I carry a knife like that, so I had no choice but to take it with me.

 

How would a Mexican gang know a random white guy carries a knife like that? I hope you understand what I mean.

[Saggy]

QUOTE (ToyMachine @ Feb 17 2009, 19:32) It was really fun, really engaging. I enjoyed it. My only beef with this is that you make the two protagonists seem like normal stoner/rocker types just looking for weed and then change them to two people possibly involved with the criminal underworld.

 

Example

QUOTE if the Surenos found it, they might know I carry a knife like that, so I had no choice but to take it with me.

 

How would a Mexican gang know a random white guy carries a knife like that? I hope you understand what I mean.

 

Well actually, this is a bit of foreshadowing on my part. At least I got you to ask the right question.

 

As for them being involved with the criminal underworld, that was part of what I wanted to do with it, was take characters one would assume would be part of one dynamic, and put them into seemingly unlikely circumstances. The idea is basically that they went out one night looking for weed, and were thrust into a criminal world. is meant to appear to be your typical oblivious stoner, but the narrator is supposed to have a deeper and darker past that is touched upon in the next installment.

 

So hopefully that's the sense you got, because at this point I do want people to ask why this narrator apparently knows so much.

 

 

I'm having a little trouble deciding how I want to do this though. The first person narrative perspective will be hard to keep up if I am to try to make the next chapter the past of the narrator. I want to keep the feeling of the narrative going, but at the same time I don't want his character to be this abstract, faceless person in the reader's mind.

Edited February 12, 2017 by SagaciousKJB