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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Now or Never

This woman had a car acident and her husband went to the hospital, and asked the doctor:"Is she OK is she alive?".The doctor said : she is alive but it would of been better if she wasnt, because she cant controll the peeng, she wont be able to walk, you got to feed her..." And the husband says: well can I see her? The doctor replies : NO I'M JUST KIDDING SHE'S DEAD tounge.gif

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Seachmall
This woman had a car acident and her husband went to the hospital, and asked the doctor:"Is she OK is she alive?".The doctor said : she is alive but it would of been better if she wasnt, because she cant controll the peeng, she wont be able to walk, you got to feed her..." And the husband says: well can I see her? The doctor replies : NO I'M JUST KIDDING SHE'S DEAD tounge.gif

I don't know why that is funny but it is. monocle.gif

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Teqila

 

Old Doomer dies, and stands in front of the gates. St. Peter checks the list and says:

- Sorry, I can't let you in. But I do feel kind of bad for you, so I'll give you three wishes before sending you to hell.

- IDKFA, IDDQD, and the third... Screw the third, send me to Hell already!

excuse me, but i dont get it yawn.gifyawn.gifdontgetit.gifdontgetit.gif

They're cheat codes from the original Doom game.

 

So he's asking for -

 

IDKFA = Full weapons

IDDQD = God mode

 

and sending to hell.

 

 

Awesome joke K^2 icon14.gif

Brilliant joke. I was about to explain this to Eeshan before I read Pac Man's post.

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GTA3Rockstar
This woman had a car acident and her husband went to the hospital, and asked the doctor:"Is she OK is she alive?".The doctor said : she is alive but it would of been better if she wasnt, because she cant controll the peeng, she wont be able to walk, you got to feed her..." And the husband says: well can I see her? The doctor replies : NO I'M JUST KIDDING SHE'S DEAD tounge.gif

The orange font made me read that first, therefore the joke turned out less funny. confused.gif

 

 

 

Knock knock

- Who's there?

Smell Mop

- Smell Mop who?

 

Knock knock

- Who's there?

Eye eep

- Eye eep who?

 

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Ultraussie

Prank call to a bar.

 

 

Prankster: Hi, im looking for HugginKis, first name Amanda.

Bartender: Umm, ok, just wait a sec. *Calls out to bar patrons* Im looking for A man To Hug and Kiss!!!!

 

 

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javi13
Prank call to a bar.

 

 

Prankster: Hi, im looking for HugginKis, first name Amanda.

Bartender: Umm, ok, just wait a sec. *Calls out to bar patrons* Im looking for A man To Hug and Kiss!!!!

Jokes from the Simpsons aren't funny.

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GTA3Rockstar
Prank call to a bar.

 

 

Prankster: Hi, im looking for HugginKis, first name Amanda.

Bartender: Umm, ok, just wait a sec. *Calls out to bar patrons* Im looking for A man To Hug and Kiss!!!!

Misread the title I think. tounge.gif jk

 

 

I certainly have ran out of anything merely funny right now.

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makeshyft
Prankster: Hi, im looking for HugginKis, first name Amanda.

Bartender: Umm, ok, just wait a sec. *Calls out to bar patrons* Im looking for A man To Hug and Kiss!!!!

Christ on a stick... that episode aired in 1992...

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GTASIX
Prankster: Hi, im looking for HugginKis, first name Amanda.

Bartender: Umm, ok, just wait a sec. *Calls out to bar patrons* Im looking for A man To Hug and Kiss!!!!

Christ on a stick... that episode aired in 1992...

did the simpsons invent those jokes? they're probably older than that.

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The Unvirginiser
Prank call to a bar.

 

 

Prankster: Hi, im looking for HugginKis, first name Amanda.

Bartender: Umm, ok, just wait a sec. *Calls out to bar patrons* Im looking for A man To Hug and Kiss!!!!

Jokes from the Simpsons aren't funny.

Neither are family guy ones, like the one about the dead wife.

 

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.

Ironically, 7/7 Brits will.

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GTASIX
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.

Ironically, 7/7 Brits will.

I like. Post MOAR!!

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H4milton

 

Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you...

 

 

 

It's only when u leave her a virgin.

 

 

> Tension is when wife is pregnant!

> Terror: When  girlfriend is pregnant!

> Horror: When both r pregnant!

> Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

 

 

 

> The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when

> Mating. Only 10%

> enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea

> tasted  Salty?!

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nerner

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

 

 

 

Penis breath, a lover's dread,

Is what you get when you give head.

Unpleasant as it tends to be,

Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

 

It's times like this, you wonder why,

You bothered reaching for his fly.

But it's too late, can't be a tease,

Accept the facts, get on your knees.

 

You know you've got a job to do,

So open wide and shove it through,

Lick the tip then take it all.

Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

 

Slide up and down, use your tongue.

And feel the precum start to run,

Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,

So when the hell's he gonna cum?

 

Just, when you can't take anymore,

You hear your lover's mighty roar.

And when he hits that real high note,

You feel it oozing down your throat.

 

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,

Okay already, that's enough.

Let's switch you say, before you gag,

And what revenge, you're on the rag!

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PacMaan

Orange marches in Northern Ireland - what's it all about?

 

I'm on Vodaphone, you don't see me parading up and down the streets.

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The Unvirginiser

Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"

Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

 

 

Apparently Germany's treasury has recently gone bankrupt.

It turns out that Israel sent them a gas bill.

 

 

Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.

Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.

 

 

I'm reading a book on helium at the moment.

I'm having trouble putting it down.

 

 

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young for you?

You have to make aeroplane noises to get her to put your cock in her mouth.

 

 

See you all in hell!

Edited by The Unvirginiser

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K^2

 

Apparently Germany's treasury has recently gone bankrupt.

It turns out that Israel sent them a gas bill.

The version I've heard goes like this.

 

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill.

 

On this note, how do you put 10 jews into a Volkswagen?

Two in front, two int he back. The other 6 in the ash tray.

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Hell No..

Just heard the Origami bank of Japan has folded!

 

----

 

I got ripped off the other day when I bought the new Jade Goody calender...it only goes up to March!

 

----

 

Builder on the 3rd floor forgot to take his Saw with him so he shouts down to his mate but he cant hear him, so he does sign language...He points to his Eye (I), then to his Knee (need) then moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion. His mate nods then pulls down his pants and starts wanking. Furious, the builder runs downstairs and says "What are you doing?! I wanted my Saw!", "I know" says his mate, "I was telling you I was Coming!"

 

 

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Gouveia
Builder on the 3rd floor forgot to take his Saw with him so he shouts down to his mate but he cant hear him, so he does sign language...He points to his Eye (I), then to his Knee (need) then moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion. His mate nods then pulls down his pants and starts wanking. Furious, the builder runs downstairs and says "What are you doing?! I wanted my Saw!", "I know" says his mate, "I was telling you I was Coming!"

Loved that one biggrin.gif

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Ultraussie

 

Prankster: Hi, im looking for HugginKis, first name Amanda.

Bartender: Umm, ok, just wait a sec. *Calls out to bar patrons* Im looking for A man To Hug and Kiss!!!!

Christ on a stick... that episode aired in 1992...

Who cares, that one was sh*t funny!

 

 

 

 

I have AUSTAR (Satelite pay-tv in Australia) and they put all the oldies on almost 24/7 on FOX8.

Sometimes I watch Channel 10 (Cable free TV in australia) where they put 1 new one on each week,

and I saw that one where bart nearly marries a chick.

 

 

OK, back on topic.

 

 

 

My freind's vagina is called "The Limo," 'cause it fits eight, has a leather interior, and I came in it tonight.

 

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hmvartak

A student in an interview:

 

How does an electric motor run?

 

Student : duurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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Pacman''
oh man.

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nerner

How about these crappy jokes:

 

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

 

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

 

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

 

Q: Why are camels called "Ships of the Desert"?

A: Because they're full of Muslim semen.

 

Q: What's yellow and goes "cheep, cheep"?

A: A Chinese prostitute.

 

Q: What do hockey goalies and West Indian girls have in common?

A: They both change their pads after three periods.

 

They are all terrible, but oh well, they can't be as bad as the oral sex song.

 

 

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mrpain

Not the best jokes but what the heck

____________________________________________________________

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

 

1. We got off the Titanic first.

 

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

 

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

 

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

 

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

 

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

 

7. Taxis stop for us.

 

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

 

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

 

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

 

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

 

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

 

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

 

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

 

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

 

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

 

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

 

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

 

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

 

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

 

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

 

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

 

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

 

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

 

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

 

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

 

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

 

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

 

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

 

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

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Ultraussie

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

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Seachmall
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

Ha, that's like when people go into Subway, which has free refills, and pays 15c extra for a large cup biggrin.gif

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K^2

Actually, it makes perfect sense (the beer thing). I wouldn't want to drink alone either.

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kamakazi2424

There are three guys stuck on a deserted island. One of them finds a bottle and rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says,"I will give each one of you 1 wish. You can wish for anything you want." The first guy says,"I wish i was home."Then he poofs away. The second guy also says,"I wish i was home."Then he poofs away too. The third guy spends about half an hour thinking of what he wants to wish for. Then he gets really bored and finally says,"I wish those two guys were here again. lol

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rmmstnr

How was copper wire invented? 2 Jews fighting over a penny.

 

How do you start a Jewish footrace? Roll a nickel down a hill.

 

How are a blond and a washing machine alike? They both leak when they're f'd up.

 

How is a blond and a turtle alike? Get 'em on their back and they're screwed.

 

How do you give a blond more headroom in a car? Adjust the steering wheel.

 

Why did the blond climb the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

 

Why did another blond follow? To see what she was doing.

 

A black guy and a mexican are in a car, who's driving? A cop.

 

Why don't mexicans barbeque? The beans keep falling through the grill (I just love the stupid ones...) biggrin.gif

 

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, one told hold the lightbulb, and one to bring the drinks to get the room spinning.

 

I told my wife the other day: I think our kids are spoiled. She said: no, lots of kids smell that way.

 

You're so ugly, when you were born your mom said: "What a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah, let's go bury it!"

 

I better stop here before I get to my favorite, really stupid stuff. Heehee, chinese prostitutes and Irishmen are always funny.

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chennaz321
How was copper wire invented? 2 Jews fighting over a penny.

 

How do you start a Jewish footrace? Roll a nickel down a hill.

 

How are a blond and a washing machine alike? They both leak when they're f'd up.

 

How is a blond and a turtle alike? Get 'em on their back and they're screwed.

 

How do you give a blond more headroom in a car? Adjust the steering wheel.

 

Why did the blond climb the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

 

Why did another blond follow? To see what she was doing.

 

A black guy and a mexican are in a car, who's driving? A cop.

 

Why don't mexicans barbeque? The beans keep falling through the grill (I just love the stupid ones...) biggrin.gif

 

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, one told hold the lightbulb, and one to bring the drinks to get the room spinning.

 

I told my wife the other day: I think our kids are spoiled. She said: no, lots of kids smell that way.

 

You're so ugly, when you were born your mom said: "What a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah, let's go bury it!"

 

I better stop here before I get to my favorite, really stupid stuff. Heehee, chinese prostitutes and Irishmen are always funny.

MOAR!

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jackel311

Yo dawg, so i heard you like money, so i put a shower in your shower so you can cleanse while you're cleansed.

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