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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Vega LVI

I didn’t know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club, so I just came in my pants.

  • Like 3

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J Dilla

why was the amish girl shunned from her community? ...two mennonite

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Big Molio

Six topless women sounds nice.

 

Dozen tit?

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spectre07

A libertarian, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you know which is which?

 

Don't worry, they'll f*cking tell you.

 

  • Like 1

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Ned Bingham

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

 

Two.  One to actually change the bulb, the other to suck cock.

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jpm1

i'm French and this is a Belgium joke i like a lot::

 

when you want to become rich, purchase French products to the French at the actual cost. then sell them back to them at the cost they think it cost

Edited by jpm1

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jpm1

another Belgian jokes. love these Belgian actually

 

Do you know how you kill a French man. you shoot 10 cm above the head. that way you kill his superiority complex

 

do you know why there is no light on French highways. because all the French think they're lights

 

😄

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Evil empire

What does a Belgian father do when he just had twins?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He looks for the father of her other child to congratulate him.

Edited by Evil empire
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junkpile
On 12/31/2017 at 9:19 PM, Megumi said:

It took Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes...

 

I remember one as well.. 

 

There's a theory about Chuck Norris. 

It says if Chuck Norris does two round house kicks in a row he is so fast, the second kick hits the target sooner than the first kick. 

This theory could never be confirmed cuz there is nothing Chuck Norris has to round house kick twice. 

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Mister Pink
Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, junkpile said:

 

I remember one as well.. 

 

There's a theory about Chuck Norris. 

It says if Chuck Norris does two round house kicks in a row he is so fast, the second kick hits the target sooner than the first kick. 

This theory could never be confirmed cuz there is nothing Chuck Norris has to round house kick twice. 

I remember Chuck Norris jokes as an offline meme. I didn't have much internet back in '04/'05 but it was around this time when I joined here and had Polish neighbours. And I remember one night joking with them about Chuck Norris jokes that I heard from my mate. When chatting to my Polish mate, he was surprised to find out that it was a thing in Poland too (probably due to the internet) but we were only used to these trends by word-of-mouth, not by internet. So he was mad surprised that these Chuck Norris jokes were flying around for a couple of years at this stage and now, he's in a new country in western Europe and they had the same jokes but in English. But really, it must of been the interwebz that connected us all. But because we both didn't have it yet on our phones or on in our rented places, it was funny. It wasn't the first place we thought that's were the jokes came from. 

 

In all fairness, I did hear most of the Chuck Norris jokes in person. They were the new "Yo mama" jokes. 

 

I think Tony Ferguson is the new Chuck Norris. Here's some I plucked from YouTube. 

 

"Tony Ferguson is a type of guy to be watching cartoons alone in a room and when his parents enter, he quickly change on pr0n..."

 

"US government pays tax to Tony Ferguson for living there"

 

"When Tony turned 18 he moved out and told his father "You're the man of the house now"

 

"Tony Ferguson is the type of guy to go to a feminist rally and come back with a sandwich and an ironed shirt"

 

"Tony Ferguson is the type of guy to play Russian Roulette with himself to condition his luck"

 

"Tony Ferguson is the kinda guy who shouts "CLEAR" when he's getting defibrillated."

 
Edited by Mister Pink
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Malone.

I like last 2 jokes lol..

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Big Molio

InjuryLawyers4U are absolute sh*te. My neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing over the fence into my garden.

 

InjuryLawyers4U told me to take a photo of her gash.

 

Guess who's in court tomorrow!

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Cameron Star
Posted (edited)

I wouldn't trust any company with a name like that ends in "4 U."

 

Hold up, I forgot this was the joke thread.

Edited by Cameron Star
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spectre07
Posted (edited)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

 

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

 

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

 

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

 

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Edited by spectre07
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alluke

Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

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spectre07
Posted (edited)

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"


"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

 

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"

 

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Edited by spectre07
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spectre07

What do women and grenades have in common?

 

Take the ring off and the house is gone.

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spectre07
Posted (edited)

What's a term that relates Catholic priests and school shooters?

 

Spray and pray.

Edited by spectre07
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Mister Pink
Posted (edited)

What's 14 inches long, purple and makes women scream?

 

 

Cot-death

Edited by Mister Pink
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Fun 2
Quote

Our three top picks will win a GTA IV: The Complete Edition copy on Steam.

 

656135804678045718.png

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Rocket man FI
Posted (edited)
On 4/19/2020 at 12:34 AM, Mister Pink said:

What's 14 inches long, purple and makes women scream?

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Cot-death

wtf lmao this had to be greatest one cuz it made sense

Edited by Rocket man FI
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ElJuggernaut
Posted (edited)

A man got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been using your wife for months now” The husband hurried home, grabbed his gun, and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “damn autocorrect, I meant using your wifi”

Edited by ElJuggernaut
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Webbie2689
Posted (edited)

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."

 

 

RIP Mitch Hedberg

Edited by Webbie2689
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spectre07

An old man is selling watermelons...

 

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

 

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

 

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

 

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

 

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

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DownInThePMs

What do you call cheese that isn't yours.

 

Stolen.

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Evil empire

Why is the belgian soil so oftenly covered with meat slices that seem to come from nowhere?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because only the Belgians use ejection seats with their helicopters.

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JON22

What do you call a dead bodybuilder?

 

 

Ripped.

 

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Shnockered1
Posted (edited)
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show, Claude the Hypnotist!
 
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch." said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---Watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "sh*t!!" cried Claude.
 
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center...and Claude was never invited to perform again!
Edited by Shnockered1

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owolf

was over at my friend's the other day, he was playing dark souls and upping his dex and stuff the usual

my cousin was with me and he asked why im even friends with him

i told him that my mom always told me to respect others with disabilities

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Guest
Posted (edited)

There's a woman in the local park selling batteries

 

She sells C cells by the seesaw

Edited by Guest

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