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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Outlaw Biker Viking

A Swedish guy walks into a bar wearing swim trunks and a swim shirt. Everyone stares at him then he says “What? I was told they have pool”.

 

What do you call a Norwegian pilot?

A Scandinaviator.

 

What do you call a Danish bird?

Scandin-avian.

  • Like 3

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Mister Pink
16 hours ago, ThatKyloRenGuy said:

A Swedish guy walks into a bar wearing swim trunks and a swim shirt. Everyone stares at him then he says “What? I was told they have pool”.

 

What do you call a Norwegian pilot?

A Scandinaviator.

 

What do you call a Danish bird?

Scandin-avian.

 

  • Like 2

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Ned Bingham

"It's ok, it's not loaded."

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12oClockWheelieCrew


Why did the joke cross the road? To get to the end of the joke.

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Outlaw Biker Viking

Yo mama so ugly that she’s the reason why the chicken crossed the road.

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YanUK

A moth, complaining of tooth ache, went to the optician.  The optician said "what's the problem", the moth replied "I have toothache".  Confused, the optician said you need a dentist not an optician.  The moth replied "I tried the dentist first but your light was on"! 

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Evil empire
On 6/19/2018 at 4:34 PM, Short Stay said:

Speak English gottdammit!

You disappoint me.

 

2 Belgians rent a small boat to go fishing.

While fishing one says to the other:

-This place is excellent to catch fishes, let's put a X in the bottom of the bark to mark the place!

-Are you nuts?! I'm not even sure we'll have the same small boat next time.

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spectre07

Waiter: I bring some shrimp to the devil?
Wife: If you're going to want shrimp!

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Outlaw Biker Viking

What are Batman and Robin called when they eat too much?

Fatman and Throbbing.

 

Board games are called board games because they make you bored.

 

What’s white and yellow and red all over?

Some Dutchman or Scandinavian guy who annoyed the wrong southern or Eastern European chick.

 

How many rude people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Screw you!

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TheDudeAbides

Why did Tim throw the clock out the window?

 

It reminded him of Richard Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.

 

Y'all have a good day.

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Roxie

What do you call a white plane driver?
 

Spoiler

- a pilot you racist!

What do you call a sleepy guy who cuts trees?

A slumberjack

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CarltonDanks69
On 7/13/2019 at 4:20 AM, TheDudeAbides said:

Why did Tim throw the clock out the window?

 

It reminded him of Richard Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.

 

Y'all have a good day.

That’s a Norm MacDonald joke if I ever saw one lmao 

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Guest Billy Russo

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Edited by Billy Russo

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Big Molio
On 3/12/2019 at 12:09 AM, ThatKyloRenGuy said:

Board games are called board games because they make you bored.

I bet you have them rolling in the aisles with that one 😂 

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Mister Pink

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

 

A lip reader.

 

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

 

Well, you got to hand it to her.

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jpm1

3 people are on a sinking boat. no matter what they do they can't save the boat. so the 3 pals, actually 2 men ,and one woman decide to call for the coastguards. the coastguards arrive, and send soon a ladder to them. the 3 pals jump onto the ladder immediatly, but the helo is too heavy. so the crew tell it to the people hanging down there. but no one wants to jump into the sea, as it's very cold, and full of nasty sharks, and in the middle of nowhere. the crew says it again to the 3 guys. some of you have to jump into the water, or we'll all crash very soon. after another long moment, the 3 people are still hanging onto the ladder. no one wants to die obviously. then the woman says 'ok. men are more useful to society. i'll do it, i'll sacrifice myself'. as soon as the men hear this, they start applauding

Edited by jpm1
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Guest Billy Russo

Everyone told Sam not to sing.
But Samsung anyway.

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Evil empire

2 Belgians are on a bridge and can't find an agreement whether the thing underneath them is a lake or a river. One of them becomes sick of the argument and dives.

When he comes back he's bleeding, full of scratches and bruises ; to make it short the fact he's still alive is a miracle.

 

The other Belgian is surprised to see his friend in a so bad shape:

-Fieu! What happened to you? You were attacked by sharks and piranhas? Anyway did you find if it's a river or a lake?

-None of it, it's the highway.

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Guest Billy Russo

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...


I really need to wash some mugs.

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Evil empire

A Belgian and a French are rolling in a car when they see a guy in a row boat in the full middle of a wheat field with 2 oars in his hands visibly trying to move the boat and speaking loudly with a strong belgian accent.

The Belgian in the car is outraged:

-You see it's because of this kind of dumbass fool you Frenchies don't stop laughing at us, I would slap this idiot if only I could.

-What prevents you from doing it?

-I can't swim.

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Guest Billy Russo

eBay is so useless.


I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

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Evil empire

A Belgian has been using the soda vending machine during maybe 10 minutes, always inserting a coin and taking a new can and the Frenchies behind him are seriously sick and tired of waiting so one of them asks the Belgian:

-How fuc*ing long do you plan to keep doing it? They're are people waiting behind you to use the machine!

-Fieu! I don't know, as long as I win I keep playing.

Edited by Evil empire

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Guest Billy Russo

I keep telling actors to ‘break a leg’.

 

I do it because they’re part of a cast.

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Ned Bingham

Long before he became Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler spent several years as a down and out on the streets and in the dosshouses and cheap lodgings of Vienna. One cold winter's day he was ejected from one of these lodgings by the landlady for non-payment of rent. Hurt and humiliated, the would-be artist turned and shook his fist, swearing his revenge on his tormentor. The landlady, a formidable woman, snorted a laugh and, with the other tenants behind her, who had gathered to see the strange and unpopular tenant go, asked "Did you hear that? He says that one day he will return and do me a mischief. Is that so Herr Hitler, you and who's army?"

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Outlaw Biker Viking

An Englishman, his French girlfriend, a female Spaniard, and her German boyfriend all went to see a juggling act. They couldn’t see the juggler so he stood on stilts. “Can you see me now?” he asked. They answered with “Yes. Oui. Si. Ja”.

 

Who said “Coming are British the?”

Paul Reverse.

 

What did Christopher Columbus get in trouble for as a child?

Talking like a sailor.

 

Why is Mr. Krabs so greedy?

Because he’s shellfish.

 

Why did the cyclops give up teaching?

Because he only had one pupil.

 

What do Bill Clinton and history class have in common?

They both have too many dates.

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Big Molio

Murphy is driving down the street when he sees his mate Paddy's van broken down at the side of the road.

"What you doing there Paddy?" he shouts pulling up alongside him

"I've broken down mate" Paddy replies "I was taking these monkeys to the zoo. If I give you fifty quid, will you take them for me?"

"For sure" Murphy replies. The monkeys are loaded up and Murphy drives off.

A short time later Murphy drives past again with the monkeys still in the back of the car.

"What are you doing?" Paddy shouts "I thought you said you would take them to the zoo for me?"

"I did" Murphy replies "But we have some money left so I'm taking them to the cinema now"

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Star-Lord

[Palpatine and a stormtrooper go to Subways]

 

Stormtrooper: Sir, how many subs should i get?

 

Palpatine:

Order 66!

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Billy Russo

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

 

Wooden start.

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Baserape

My biggest worry about the killing of Osama is his burial at sea. If there is any truth in homeopathy then the whole ocean is pure evil. Apparently Osama's neighbours first suspected who may be living in the compound when their football went into his garden and he said, "If that football comes over here again I'll put a plane through it!

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spectre07

A 3 years old kid sits near a pregnant woman...

 

Kid: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Kid: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Kid: Then why did you eat it?

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