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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

The Time Ranger

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?

 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, Its my dog. Why?

 

Well, squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, I believe my dog just killed it, sir.

 

What? roared the big man in disbelief, What in the world kind of dog do you have?

 

Sir, answered the little man, its a little four week old female puppy.

 

Bull! roared the biker, how could your puppy kill my Doberman?

 

It appears that your dog choked on her, sir!

 

 

 

 

An old man drove past me on a tractor this morning and told me the end was nigh...

 

I think it was Farmer Gedden.

 

 

 

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

 

Anna one, Anna two.

 

 

 

I went to the vet with my goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy."

 

The vet takes a look and says:

"It seems calm to me."

 

And I said

"You idiot, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

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Star-Lord

Q: What type of dog was used to find John Bobbitt's cock?

 

A:

 

A Cocker Spaniel.

 

 

Q: What do you call a guy with a three headed penis?

 

A:

A Ghidorah type of guy.

 

 

What does Sylvester Stallone call his long penis?

 

A:

Cliffhanger.

 

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JOSEPH X

Pizzagate is where the babysitter pays YOU to mind your kids

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Star-Lord

And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

 

 

But John came fifth and won a $25 McDonald's gift card.

 

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gilby

Sex when camping is great. It's f*cking in tents.

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TheDudeAbides

Well, I would tell you a joke about pussy, but you would never get it.

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Rocket man FI

Mr.Trump is not racist.

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Evil empire

Trump goes to the UN and announces that contrary to what was printed in Fire and Fury, he is a genius. In fact, he says, he has memorized the capitals of every nation represented there.


 


“Go ahead, test me,” he challenges. “Give me a hard one.”


 


One representative stands and says, “Okay. What’s the capital of Tanganyika?”


 


“Shoot, that’s easy for me,” says Trump. “The capital of Tanganyika is T.”


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Short Stay

You can beat an egg but you can't beat...

Edited by Short Stay

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Miro

What's Bill Gates' name going to be when he becomes a Trillionaire? Trill Gates. Ha, now laugh. Good for a first date joke... not.

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Short Stay

Q. How do you titillate an Ocelot?

 

A. Oscillate its tit a lot. 

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Femme Fatale

Kid: Mom? Mom? Mom? I had an accident!

Mom: Oh, don't worry, honey. I once had an accident, too. And now it pisses all over itself.

 

"What did your husband die of?

"Poisoning."

"But he looks like he was repeatedly beaten with something."

"Oh, he didn't want to drink it."

 

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Short Stay

"Mummy mummy, I hate Daddy's guts."

 

"Well just leave them at the side of the plate."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Q. Why do women have legs?

 

A. Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?

Edited by Short Stay

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Evil empire

Zere vere zwei peanuts valking down der Straße, and von vas assaulted... peanut.

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Carbonox

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

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Outlaw Biker Viking

1. What dog speaks Spanish other than a Mexican chihuahua?

A cocker Spaniard.

 

2. Why do FBI and CIA agents wear blankets?

Because they're undercover.

 

3. Hillary Clinton is not a liar, thief, and cheater.

 

4. Knock knock!

Who's there?

Rudolf.

Rudolf who?

Rudolf you to ignore my knock knock joke!

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Short Stay
On 6/14/2018 at 11:09 AM, Evil empire said:

Zere vere zwei peanuts valking down der Straße, and von vas assaulted... peanut.

Speak English gottdammit!

Edited by Short Stay

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Short Stay

My family are in the Iron and Steel business.

 

 

My wife does the ironing and I do the stealing.

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Big Molio

One of my favourite jokes, it’s an old one.

 

A man breaks down in a country lane next to a field and as he looks under the bonnet of his car, he hears a voice say

”Check your alternator”

Looking up he sees no-one around but two horses watching him from a gate into the field. Puzzled he goes back under the bonnet to try and find the problem when he hears the voice again

”Check your alternator”

Now completely perplexed as to who is speaking, the man looks around and to his amazement he sees that it is one of the horses prompting him to check the alternator. He looks at the component under the bonnet and discovers the fault. Fixing it, he closes the bonnet and sets off on his way.

A short time later he arrives at a country pub and goes inside to order a drink.

”You won’t believe what has just happened to me” the man says to the landlord “I broke down up the road and a horse in a field actually spoke to me and told me what to do!”

”Was it a black horse?” the landlord replied

”Why, yes it was” the man said, astounded “how did you know?”

”Because” the landlord went on “the white one knows f*ck all about cars”

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qOjOp

 

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spectre07

This was on my first cellphone many years ago.

 

¿What do many blacks stand on a white wall? - A code of bars.

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Pocket Fox

If you feel cold, go and stand in the corner of the room... it's 90 degrees there.

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AdlersHand
 

True story:

 

My father was chloroformed by a burglar about 10 years ago. He was staying at his now-wife's parents chalet in France. The burglar broke in, drugged him and stole two priceless paintings.

 

QWozufJ.jpg?1

 

He was arrested for theft but insisted he was framed.

Edited by AdlersHand

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Star-Lord

One home-made joke coming up...

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are sitting by the fireplace getting ready to have chow, when all of a sudden Tonto yells out...Dude we need some salad to go with our beans!

The Lone Ranger saids Yeah that's a good idea, go down to the valley and get us some!
So, Tonto jumps on his horse and rides off into the sunset..

Hour later...
Tonto comes back, yells Oh my ass!
The Lone Ranger saids What happened?
Tonto said I went to pick lettuce for our salad and a rattle snake came behind me and bit me in the asshole. Can you get the doctor for me or ask him to give me medicine for the wound?

The Lone Ranger says yes sure i reckon i can..be right back.
The Lone Ranger goes to find the doctor and when he does he tells him all about the snake bite and Tonto's asshole. The doctor laughs out loud and tells The Lone Ranger well son the only thing you can do is suck it out or he will die.


The Lone Ranger saids I seeeee. While patting his horse for a few minutes looking at the blue yonder, saddles up and makes his way slowly back.
Hour later...


The Lone Ranger arrives at the campsite how are those beans coming along, i'm starving.
Tonto saids good. What did the doc say?

The Lone Ranger says he said you're going to die.
Tonto says Why?!
The Lone Ranger says i rather not get into that.

 

Edited by Star-Lord
Removed bbcode errors

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Short Stay

What did the turd say to the asshole?

 

"Just passing through."

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Star-Lord

If Storm and The Black Panther were to concieve children, what would they be named?

The ThunderCats

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Star-Lord

A girl realizes she has grown hair between her legs and worries it might be something wrong. So she tells her mother about it and her mother tells her not to worry that it is normal and that it's just her monkey growing hair and walks away.

At the dinner table later that night she tells her oldsr sister, "guess what?" Her sister says "what."
She says "my monkey has grown hair."

Her sister says "oh that's nothing,

 

my monkey is smashing bananas."

 

------------------

Some hooker ask me if i eat out. I said no you can cook at home.

 

 

 

Edited by Star-Lord

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Short Stay

This joke is only for Swedish people...

 

Did you hear about the Finnish man who loved his wife so very, very much that he almost told her so?

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Chang

Why was the broom late for work?

 

....

...

..

.

 

 

 

 

cuz it was 'sweepy'

 

:) I Chang

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What does Roman say to Niko when they join a death metal band?

Spoiler

- Cousin, let's go growling!

 

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