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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Star-Lord

How did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

FBOHH090505.jpg

 

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Megumi

A man is in a terrible car accident where he lost his left arm and left leg.

 

 

He's allright now.

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Evil empire

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

 

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

 

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

 

So the Pope slaps Trump.

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The Time Ranger

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded, "Take me to the canaries."

 

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

 

You cant tell me thats just a coincidence.

 

 

The Spice Girls song 'When two becomes one" is actually about the clocks going back.

 

 

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

They don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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Star-Lord

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy in the jungle. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
--------------------------------

When my girlfriend starts arguing I always go out and do some yard work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
-------------------------------

6 p.m. I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or Hockey?!

2 a.m. I text her back: You of course.
---------------------------------------

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we please change the topic?

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Femme Fatale

My doctor told me to stop masturbating, when I asked why, he replied "Because I am examining you".

 

"Mom, did you want a daughter, or a son?"

"I wanted to f*ck."

 

"He kisses me so much, that my lips burn!"

"Does it hurt when you talk?"

"No, but it does when I walk."

 

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

 

A hooker can wash her crack, and sell it again.

 

 

 

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Star-Lord

Fart when people hug you it makes them feel like the Hulk.

--------

3 Drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

--------

I was in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (unsteady) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Ummm, Im trying to take a dump."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "Heeeeell nooooo!, I'm a little occupied right nooow!!" (Plop) (Straining) (Plop) swoosh!
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Edited by Star-Lord

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Evil empire

Q: Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?
A: Discrimination

 

Q: What's the difference between Donald Trump and a sewage plant?
A: Nothing they're both full of crap!

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chronic lumbago

How many fat activist do you need to change a lightbulb?

 

The lightbulb is beautiful the way it is. Society needs to change, learn to respect and stop shaming lightbulbs that dont conform to it's standards.

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Star-Lord

- Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the ones in commercials.

 

- Farting in a elevator is wrong on so many levels!

------------------------------------

 

- A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”



- A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.

When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.

On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.

In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?'

‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?'

'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'



- You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.

[Crook] "Oh really?!"

You have my Word!

 

 

- “Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
[Mommy] Why?

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

 

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Sanches

>McDonalds made a contest with a prize of unlimited amount of ice cream
>Wins
>Goes to McDonalds to pick up your prize
>ICE CREAM MACHINE BROKE

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NCRVeteranRanger

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!''

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Star-Lord

Hallmark:

“When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”



Ritz Crackers:

“Tiny, edible plates.”



CliffsNotes:

“They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”



Gillette:

“We’re just going to keep adding blades.”



ChapStick:

“You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”



Hot Pockets:

“Every bite is a different temperature.”

 

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NCRVeteranRanger

A mexican, a jew and a colored guy go into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "Get the f*ck out of here.''

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Star-Lord

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing!?"

The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

 

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Evil empire
If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb Trump's ego and jump down to his I.Q.
Donald J. Trump became president and started combating environmental disasters, annihilating sexual assault, racism and battery in America. Unfortunately in the morning the dream was over.

Donald Trump so dumb, he ordered NASA to arrest illegal aliens.
Edited by Evil empire

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Star-Lord

Drunk as a skunk guy walks into a bar and hears the Christmas song [All I want For Christmas is you!]

playing on jukebox and says, Jesus [hiccups] how many covers are they're going to make of this poor Barry Manilow song?

 

Another drunk leaning against the pool table [who resembles David Spade and even sounds like him] continues to say,

"It wasn't Manillow it was William Shatner you dumbass, and theirs a sh*tload of covers by different artists, and they go like this..."

 

"All I want for Christmas is you! - Original song by Mariah Carey"

"All I want for Christmas is Jews! - Cover By Adrian Monk"

"All I want for Christmas is Booze! - Cover By Charlie Sheen"

"All I want for Christmas is Shoes! - Cover By Thom McAn"

"All I want for Christmas is Juice! - Cover By OJ Simpson"

"All I want for Christmas is Boobs! - Cover By Marge Simpson"

"All I want for Christmas is Ooze! - Cover By Ivan Ooze"

 

[shotgun chi-chick]

Bartender [who resembles Cheech Marin and even sounds like him] leaps over the counter and said, "Alright That's enough bums! All I want for Christmas is for the both of you to gtfo of my bar before I blast your heads into the next dimension - Cover by Stan Lee."

Edited by Star-Lord

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Leone Family

What is the drug of midgets? Mini-putt (Mini-pot)

 

Edit: Why do midgets laugh when they run through tall grass? Because it's tickling their balls.

Edited by Leone Family

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Evil empire
Why isn't it surprising Donald Trump wanted to be President of the United States?
To push a black family out of their home!
Donald trump and my child's diaper needs to be changed often. And for the same reason!

How do you know when Trump is not lying?
His mouth is closed

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Megumi

Chuck Norris once pissed in the gas tank of an 18-wheeler as a joke...

 

 

 

...that 18-wheeler is now known as Optimus Prime.

 

Edited by Donatello

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Star-Lord
[Guy cruises down 42nd street looking for a hooker]


[Hooker walks up to car] Hey there, wanna party?


[Guy] Hell yeah! No offense But i'd like to go with someone else tonight


[Hooker] Ok not a problem....Christine!


[Christine slowly crawls over] Hey what do you want because i'm off duty?


[Hooker] This gentlemen is interested in you , talk to him.


[Guy] Hey you, come over here don't be shy.


[Hooker] Nah, going home slow night.


[Guy] Too bad, The night is young and I have $200 with your name on it.


[Christine] Hey look, don't mean to be rude but i'm off duty. You're kiddin' right? For this body?


[Guy] Alight then how about i up the stakes, let's make it $300 instead?


[Christine] OMG! You must be joking, for this body?


[Guy] Look alright i don't have all night, i make it $500 and that's my final offer.


[Christine] Wow! For this body? Alright let's go!

16959g1.jpg

 


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Evil empire

While on maneuvers in the 
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.

“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.

“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”

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Femme Fatale

Men are born between a woman's legs, and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back between them, why?

 

Because there's no place like home!

 

 

His dick is so polite, it stands up to give me a place to sit down!

 

Dude tries to flirt with a chick during lunch time.

"Hey beautiful, what are you doing after you're done eating?"

"Take a sh*t, it's what we all do."

Edited by Femme Fatale

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What does the prostitute say when she falls down the chimney?

 

Hoe, hoe, hoe!

 

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chronic lumbago

What do pussies and the mafia have in common?

 

 

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep sh*t.

 

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Star-Lord

I'd tell ya'll a penis joke but I don't want to come off as cocky.

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Femme Fatale

What did the gay necrophiliac say about his ex-boyfriend?

 

Ugh, that rotten asshole split on me again.

 

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Evil empire
Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup?

Waiter: Praying.

Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back.

Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.

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Star-Lord

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane,

I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

 

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