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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m

Bring back universetwister's anti-jokes.

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Kiffster

Had to read this one a couple of times haha...

 

What did the jewish pedophile say the the 5yr old in the park?

 

Vood you like to buy a sveetie little boy?

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DOUGL4S1

- Why did Little Sally fell off the swing?

 

Because she has no arms.

 

 

- What Little Sally got for Christmas?

 

An armed robbery arrest.

 

 

- Why did Little Billy drop his ice cream?

 

He was hit by a truck.

 

 

- Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To feast upon Little Billy's remains

 

 

- Why did the black man cross the road?

 

To steal the truck that he pushed a boy in front of so it would stop.

 

 

Why did the policemen cross the road?

 

To help beat Little Sally to death.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by DOUGL4S1

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What is worse than NEVERMIND

Edited by GrudgefromSanAndreas

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AlienTwo

What is worse than incest?

 

-Gay incest!

 

Before I say something unkind about your stance on equality, please explain how this isn't homophobic.

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

 

What is worse than incest?

 

-Gay incest!

 

Before I say something unkind about your stance on equality, please explain how this isn't homophobic.

 

One or two people liked this on my Twitter cuenta, one was definitely a girl. Sh!t i thought it was just a (anti)joke, it wasn't meant to be homophobic, but now when i look at it, maybe i did go too far and it definitely looks that way, but why did they like it on Twitter then? Also i told that to some of my friends and they laughed.

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AlienTwo

I think a good general rule is "Just because Twitterers like something, doesn't mean it's ok."

 

That "joke" feels like 100% pure hate and bigotry.

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

Guess i deserve to be banned, and i almost always had problems with emotional intelligence

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DOUGL4S1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

Actually, there are some debates on this topic. The most common reply of "to get to the other side" has many interpretations, the most famous and accepted one is that it is an early example of an anti-joke, something that starts like a humoristic text, but its punchline features something mundane as an unexpected twist, most commonly used in pranks. Other famous interpretation states that the chicken crossed the road as an attempt to commit suicide by being ran over by a carriage or one of the rare automobiles of the time, with the "other side" refering to an afterlife. There are, however, many reasons for a chicken to cross a road. For example, it could be searching for food, escaping a possible threat or predator, it managed to escaped from its farm and can't find the way back or a road that leads up to a farmhouse cuts through the place in the farm where the chickens stay. However, there are no actual records if the actual event described by this riddle is factual or not, since its earlier appearance was in a 1847 edition of a New York magazine titled "The Knickerbocker", and its auctor, and the chicken itself are, most likely, long gone. There are, however, many records of other chicken crossing roads ever since for various reasons as stated above. This riddle became so popular that it not only became a cliché for a bad joke, but it also generated many variations of itself, including this one.

 

 

Edited by DOUGL4S1

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MadHammerThorsteen

 

What is worse than incest?

 

-Gay incest!

 

Before I say something unkind about your stance on equality, please explain how this isn't homophobic.

 

 

I would've said beastiality, but I don't want to come off speciesist.

 

---

 

I'm at an absolute loss for why James Alex Fields, Jr. made the horrific decision to drive his Challenger into a crowd of people in #Charlottesville... Didn't he know that he could've pleaded innocent if he'd used a Mustang.

Edited by Mattodon

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Evil empire

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked,

"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Femme Fatale

Why are parents so bad at talking about sex with their children?

When I was a kid, I saw two dogs buttf*cking each other in the street, and asked my mom what they were doing.

Dancing, she replied.

The first school dance I went to, I got expelled.

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ṼirulenⱦEqừinox

Forgive me, Didn't feel like re-typing the whole thing

 

lJzvljF.jpg

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Evil empire

There were 100 monks who decided that they wanted to build a monastery. It took them 2 years to build one.
When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

The 50 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 4 years to rebuild it.
When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

The 25 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 8 years to rebuild it.
When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks (plus one).

The 12 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 16 years to rebuild it.
When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

The 6 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 32 years to rebuild it.
When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

The 3 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 64 years to rebuild it.
When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing two of the monks.

The last monk is furious, he sees someone on a blue bike, kicks the driver,takes the blue bike and chases the little boy on the little red bike. After some minutes he's just beside him, he even overcomes the red bike and kicks the rider who falls on the road and dies under a 36 tons truck.

So, what's the moral of the story?
...
...
...

The blue bike is faster than the red one.

Edited by Evil empire

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Femme Fatale

Little boy: Look, mommy, I'm a lollipop!

Mother: Dumb child, take that broom out of your ass!

 

Friend #1: Hey, bro, I've got some bad news. My dick died.

Friend #2: *confused look on his face* It died?

Friend #1: Yeah, can I bury it inside of your ass?

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The Time Ranger

On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman.

"The trouble with you Brits is that youre stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother".

 

 

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...

It only made it more sluggish

 

 

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

 

After it wouldnt wash off this morning I went back to complain.

 

 

 

And the tattoo parlour wasnt there..........

 

 

 

 

 

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Edited by Neon_Dreaming

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What do you call a cross between a board game & a racing game?

 

Need for Speed: Trivial Pursuit

 

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Carbonox

A colored woman named Betty goes to the butcher to buy some beef. The butcher answers: "No, black Betty, ham or lamb?"

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universetwisters

Bring back universetwister's anti-jokes.

Two lawyers are walking down the street. What do they say to one another?

 

"We are both lawyers".

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Femme Fatale

Father: "Son, it's time for us to talk about sex."

Son: "What?? Dad, I'm thirty years old!"

Father: "Exactly, I want you to teach me how to watch porn in this damn tablet you gave me."

 

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several guitars.

Judge: "First offender?"

Woman: "No, first a Gibson, second a Fender."

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Femme Fatale

A young man breaks up with his girlfriend cuz he finally accepted that he's Gay, but the gf gets mad at him, and now she hates him. A few days later, she sends him a video of herself f*cking her new boyfriend to mock the old bf. He retaliates by sending her a video of himself f*cking her new boyfriend.

 

Husband: Sorry, hun, you know what they say: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Wife: You're not listening, we forgot my mom at the hotel!

Husband: What part of stays there didn't you understand?!

 

Guy 1: She answers my texts really quick, she's obsessed with me! :D

Guy 2: Nah, fam, she's obsessed with her phone.

 

 

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Bruce Khansey

There were 100 monks who decided that they wanted to build a monastery. It took them 2 years to build one.

When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

 

The 50 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 4 years to rebuild it.

When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

 

The 25 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 8 years to rebuild it.

When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks (plus one).

 

The 12 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 16 years to rebuild it.

When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

 

The 6 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 32 years to rebuild it.

When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks.

 

The 3 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 64 years to rebuild it.

When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing two of the monks.

 

The last monk is furious, he sees someone on a blue bike, kicks the driver,takes the blue bike and chases the little boy on the little red bike. After some minutes he's just beside him, he even oversomes the red bike and kicks the rider who falls on the rad and dies under a 36 tons truck.

 

So, what's the moral of the story?

...

...

...

 

The blue bike is faster than the red one.

 

I laughed my ass off here at work.

 

 

 

-What does Mercedes and world hunger have in common?

Nothing, Lady Diana couldn't stop none of them.

 

-What's worst than a kid in a dumpster?

A kid in two dumpsters.

 

-How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Feminists can't change nothing.

 

-Monica Lewinsky about the last US presidential election: "I won't vote for Hillary; the last Clinton presidency left me with a bitter taste in my mouth"

 

-Why jewish people wear the kippah?

So you won't get burnt when you get them off the oven

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YanUK

My Wife just came back from the beauty parlour,

 

I said "was it shut"

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Femme Fatale

Husband: Hun, have I ever told you that the food you make me is delicious?

Wife: No, never.

Husband: Then why the f*ck do you keep making it?!

 

Guy: You look better without makeup.

Girl: And my boobs look better without a shirt, but I'm still gonna wear a shirt.

 

Patient: *cringing and facepalming* I'm so emberrassed!

Doctor: *grabs his shoulder for comfort* Don't be, plenty of people scream "Harder daddy!" during a rectal exam.

 

Guy: I wanna have a threesome!

Friend: Bro, if you wanna disappoint two people at once, then just have dinner with your parents.

 

Guy: Your boobs are saggy without a bra, haha!

Girl: And your dick is small without an erection, BITCH!

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Star-Lord

Johnny's twin brother was hit by a car. The next day at school, his teacher asked him where his brother was.

Johnny: "He got hit in the ass by a car."

Teacher: "You mean rectum."

Johnny: " Hell! Wrecked him? Hell, damn nearly killed him!"

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Bruce Khansey

This one's a classic, at least in my country.

 

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Three coffees: one for me, one for you and one for your slutty mother".

The bartender doesn't know what to say nor what to do, so he just makes three coffees in silence and gives them to the guy.

 

Next day.

Same guy, same bar. "Three coffees: one for me, one for you and one for your slutty mother".

Bartender is seriously pissed off, but still keeps calm and gives him three coffees. "Next time he shows up I'll beat the hell out of him", he thinks on his own.

 

Next day.

Same guy, same bar. "Three coffees: one for me, one for you and one for your slutty mother".

The bartender grabs a baseball bat from under the bar and beats the sh*t out of him.

 

Three months later.

Same guy, same bar.

"Good morning", says the guy.

"Good morning", says the bartender with a big smile on his face.

 

"Just two coffees", says the guy; "one for me and one for your slutty mother, 'cause it makes YOU nervous"

Edited by Bruce Khansey

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Star-Lord

Hitchhiker and Kids: [Thumbs up] :^:

 

Driver: "You can ride with the starving hogs in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe upfront."

 

-----

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

A: Tear gas.




Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

A: It ran out of juice.




Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a comedian?

A: "Does this meat taste funny to you?"

 

 

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Evil empire

A pervert, a con artist, and a fascist walks into a bar...

 

The bartender asks: "What'll it be, Mr. Trump?"

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Star-Lord

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily crispy delicious fry chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency.

I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily crispy delicious fry chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.

Meanwhile...

2 months later of pluming sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily crispy delicious fry chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and they order KFC and he says as he's polishing up the last wing, "Oh my that's some damn good chicken [Moment of silence] I have some good news and I have some very bad news.The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

 

The bishops rejoice at the news and dance their asses off. [Pause] Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.

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Pedinhuh

I have a good one:

 

Communism.

 

 

(100% original joke BTW)

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