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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

The Time Ranger

How do you milk sheep?

 

Release another iPhone

 

 

One for the Trekkies

 

How many ears did Captain Kirk have?

 

Three.

 

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

  • Like 7

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Evil empire
Why did the cop sit on the toilet?


To do his duty.



How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


None they just beat the room for being black.



Why did the cops go to the baseball game?


Because they heard someone was stealing a base.



Why was the police officer sleeping on the job?


He was under cover.

Edited by Evil-Empire
  • Like 3

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Sunrise Driver
A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.




As I stood at the bus stop having a smoke, I was surprised to see the bus leaving before its scheduled time.

I could've sworn I put the f**king handbrake on.

Edited by Street Mix
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Femme Fatale

One guy asks another guy:

-"Did you f*ck your boyfriend before, or after you married him?"

-"After, what about you?"

-"Before, but I didn't know he was going to marry you."

 

Why do single men buy six condoms, and married men twelve?

Because the bachelor f*cks once on Thursday, once on Friday, and twice on Saturday and Sunday.

And the married guy?

One condom for January, one for February, one for March...

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Sunrise Driver
I hate people who take drugs.


Mainly customs officers.

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Evil empire
Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?


A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.



Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?


A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.



Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?


A: None! They've invented torches!



If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

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Megumi

You know the best part about being half-black and half-white?

 

 

When I grow up I'll be accepted by everybody!

 

Edited by Donatello
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Sunrise Driver

America: Where climate change is “unproven” to people 100% certain a dude called "Noah" fit all of the world's animals on his boat.

 

 

Radical Islam is when you burn infidel technologies like television, film it with mobile phone and post it on YouTube.

Edited by Street Mix
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Evil empire

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

 

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

 

 

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

 

A: Professional courtesy.

 

 

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

 

A: Not enough sand.

 

 

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

 

A: Cut the rope.

 

 

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

 

A: Take your foot off his head.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

 

A: The bucket.

 

 

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

 

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

 

 

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

 

A: There was an empty seat.

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The Time Ranger

My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too clingy.

 

"Ok," I said, "I'll come with you."

 

 

I just bought a toaster with wifi and internet access. It's brilliant apart from the pop ups.

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Evil empire
One day, a Man was filling his gas tank at a Gas Station; he filled the tank so full that gasoline got on his shirt sleeve; unaware that there was gasoline on his sleeve, he lit a cigarette and his sleeve caught fire, so he jumped into his car, waved his arm up and down in an effort to put out the flames.

He looked into his rear view mirror and saw red, white and blue lights flashing and heard a police siren; the Policeman pulled him over, got out of his Patrol Car, and arrested the driver for having an illegal firearm.

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DOUGL4S1

Two blonde friends were driving on their VW Beetle when the engine broke. They got out of the car and opened the front:

"Oh my god! Someone stole my engine!!"

Her friend opens the back and says

"It's OK, you have a spare one back here."

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Evil empire

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

 

The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

 

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

 

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

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Megumi

A German driver was pulled over on a Polish highway by the local police.

 

Polish policeman: "What's your name, sir?"

 

German: "Helmut Rauchbraucher."

 

Policeman: "OK. Age?"

 

Helmut: "53."

 

Policeman: "Occupation?"

 

Helmut: "Oh no, I'm only visiting."

Edited by Donatello
  • Like 6

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DOUGL4S1

Two American border patrol officers were patroling the USA-Canada border when they find a body hanging from a tree. They look at each other and one of them says:

-"Oh crap, a dead body! This means an investigation: lots of unpaid hours, waiting for an autopsy, paperwork, talking to family members, etc, etc, etc!"

The other officer looks around, sees another tree on the Canadian part and says:

-"Let's drag this body across the border and hang it in that tree, then it will be the Canadians' problem!"

-"Good idea!"

They untie the body from the tree, drag him a few meters and hang it on the other tree. As they were going back, they hear footsteps and decide to hide in a bush. Two Canadian border patrol officer are approaching. They see the body and one of them says:

-"Oi, your idea didn't work, he's back!!"

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What do 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, NWA etc eat in a fast-food restaurant?

 

 

Gangsta Wrap!

 

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Femme Fatale

What did the rimjob-loving, Gay cannibal say?

 

I ate his ass.

 

 

Life is like a dick, it seems short, but it gets longer when it gets harder.

Edited by Achlys

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Evil empire
What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?






Hair Force One!

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Sunrise Driver
News: "Wonder Woman" earned $300 million worldwide in first week.


Related News: "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

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Evil empire
Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?



Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

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Reformed Squid

I was driving in my car going down I-4 and there was an advertisement for boardwalk burgers, which is like this little sh*tty burger spot where like homeless people just throw burgers on a foreman grill or something and the sign said "come try the new boardwalk burgers" and I saw it out of the corner of my eyes and I was like boardwalk burgers, more like bored burgers, cause the burgers aren't having any fun

Edited by Small Moist

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Evil empire
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike


The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"


The kid says, "Yeah."


The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."


The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle violation ticket.


The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"


Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."


The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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Femme Fatale

A wife calls her husband.

 

"Honey, I accidentally gave you anti-anxiety pills instead of anti-diarrheals, how are you?

 

"Covered in sh*t, but I'm calm about it."

Edited by Achlys
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Femme Fatale

Her: My lips are dry.

Him: Doesn't it hurt when you walk?

Her: What?

Him: What?

 

Customer: Hi, can I get a few condoms?

Cashier: Certainly, will you need a bag for that?

Customer: Nah, he's not that ugly.

 

Customer: I'd like the porn in my room to be disabled.

Motel Receptionist: We only have regular porn, you sick f*ck!

Edited by Achlys
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Evil empire
What do you call a Republican who wants insurance to cover Viagra but not birth control?



Motherfµcker

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Femme Fatale

A wife asks her husband:

"What do you think of my Halloween costume, hun?" :)

"Awesome! You make a great cow." :)

"You jackoff! I'm not a cow, I'm a dalmatian dog!" :angry:

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DarkSavageDeathlyCloud

Coming from a friend of me:

 

"I dated an awsome jewish girl last night, she asked for my number.

I told her we have names".

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Evil empire
If pro is the opposite of con then is progress the opposite of congress?

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DOUGL4S1

 

If pro is the opposite of con then is progress the opposite of congress?

 

Then the opposite of constitution...

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Evil empire

Also^^ :lol:

 

P.O.L.I.T.I.C.S. = Purely Outright Lies Intended To Infect Common Sense
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