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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

H4milton

Teacher: One slap and I'll take out all your 32 teeths :@ :@

Student: Sir, then no one wud go to a dentist tounge.giftounge.gif

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Quick Stop
Teacher: One slap and I'll take out all your 32 teeths :@ :@

Student: Sir, then no one wud go to a dentist tounge.giftounge.gif

dontgetit.gif What?

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GTA3Rockstar
Teacher: One slap and I'll take out all your 32 teeths :@ :@

Student: Sir, then no one wud go to a dentist tounge.giftounge.gif

dontgetit.gif What?

haha that's eeshan for you. tounge.gif

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H4milton
Teacher: One slap and I'll take out all your 32 teeths :@ :@

Student: Sir, then no one wud go to a dentist tounge.giftounge.gif

dontgetit.gif What?

haha that's eeshan for you. tounge.gif

lol lol.giflol.giflol.giflol.gif

The teacher was furious and was going to slap the student, so the teacher said that ONE SLAP and I'll break all your teeths, so the student replied, then no one wud go to a dentist, in fact they wud come to you smile.gif got it tounge.gif

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jackel311

 

Teacher: One slap and I'll take out all your 32 teeths :@ :@

Student: Sir, then no one wud go to a dentist tounge.giftounge.gif

dontgetit.gif What?

haha that's eeshan for you. tounge.gif

lol lol.giflol.giflol.giflol.gif

The teacher was furious and was going to slap the student, so the teacher said that ONE SLAP and I'll break all your teeths, so the student replied, then no one wud go to a dentist, in fact they wud come to you smile.gif got it tounge.gif

user posted image

That doesn't even make any sense. I really have no clue as to how that could be remotely funny, but i'll forgive you considering your location. Maybe it is sumwhat funny in your native language.

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H4milton

yes, it is a joke in our native language, i've only translated it tounge2.gif

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GTArv

I first read this a couple of years back, still find it funny:

 

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

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nerner
Jade Goody has sealed yet another TV deal...she's announced that she will be appearing in "Most Haunted" sometime in early April.

 

 

----------------

 

When Jade is finally cremated, her friends and family will be given a pouch of her ashes so everyone can go home with a Goody bag.

Both of them have been done mate lol.gif

By me in fact!

 

[Mild racism]What did god say when he made the first black man?

"Damn I burnt it!"[/Mild racism]

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PacMaan

Shoot one pizza delivery guy, shoot another one for FREE.

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Gouveia

Johnny was in an Arts Class, where the teacher asked for the students to give special colors to them. He kept thinking "Navy Deep Purple", because he thought that only he knew that color. He was the fourth one that should give the color name. The first student, wich was blonde, spoke "Bright Faded Gold". The second, a white trash, spoke "Albino Gray". The third, an afro-american, said "Navy Deep Purple". But he said it with so much proud, and so loud, that Johnny actually got mad. The teacher said "Johnny, and you?," he then said, "Motherf*cking black piece of sh*t".

 

Racist, but funny.

 

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hmvartak

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time.

 

One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?

 

Bob

 

And what is your question, Bob?

 

I have 3 questions.

 

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

 

 

Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes?

 

Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?

 

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

 

George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 

When they resume George says, Ok where were we?

 

Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?

 

A different little boy raises his hand.

 

George points him out and asked him what is your name?

 

Steve

 

And what is your question Steve?

 

I have 5 questions.

 

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?

 

Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?

 

Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?

 

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

 

Fifth, where is Bob?

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Hayden

 

Johnny was in an Arts Class, where the teacher asked for the students to give special colors to them. He kept thinking "Navy Deep Purple", because he thought that only he knew that color. He was the fourth one that should give the color name. The first student, wich was blonde, spoke "Bright Faded Gold". The second, a white trash, spoke "Albino Gray". The third, an afro-american, said "Navy Deep Purple". But he said it with so much proud, and so loud, that Johnny actually got mad. The teacher said "Johnny, and you?," he then said, "Motherf*cking black piece of sh*t".

 

Racist, but funny.

Nah I don't like it, it's too unrealistic. In reality the kid would get his scissors, stab the black kid in the eye, and then hi-five a friendly man in a suit.

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K^2

Old Doomer dies, and stands in front of the gates. St. Peter checks the list and says:

- Sorry, I can't let you in. But I do feel kind of bad for you, so I'll give you three wishes before sending you to hell.

- IDKFA, IDDQD, and the third... Screw the third, send me to Hell already!

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H4milton
Old Doomer dies, and stands in front of the gates. St. Peter checks the list and says:

- Sorry, I can't let you in. But I do feel kind of bad for you, so I'll give you three wishes before sending you to hell.

- IDKFA, IDDQD, and the third... Screw the third, send me to Hell already!

excuse me, but i dont get it yawn.gifyawn.gifdontgetit.gifdontgetit.gif

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K^2

You probably aren't old enough to get it.

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cacarla
You probably aren't old enough to get it.

LOL. Nice one K^2 smile.gif .

 

Here's a rather simple one.

 

A HR manager asks a candidate at a interview," Just imagine, your on the 5th floor of the office HQ and the building catches fire, what will you do?"

 

Candidate," I'll try and call 911".

Manager," Your cell phone battery is out".

 

Candidate," I'll try and alert my colleagues on the same floor and call for help"

Manager," None of your colleagues are able to hear or see you due to heavy smoke arising from the inferno"

 

Candidate," I'll rush down to alert security and get the fire extinguisher"

Manager," The lift isn't working, the fire extinguisher is not available"

 

Candidate," Aw Hell, I'll stop my imagination!"

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PacMaan
Old Doomer dies, and stands in front of the gates. St. Peter checks the list and says:

- Sorry, I can't let you in. But I do feel kind of bad for you, so I'll give you three wishes before sending you to hell.

- IDKFA, IDDQD, and the third... Screw the third, send me to Hell already!

excuse me, but i dont get it yawn.gifyawn.gifdontgetit.gifdontgetit.gif

They're cheat codes from the original Doom game.

 

So he's asking for -

 

IDKFA = Full weapons

IDDQD = God mode

 

and sending to hell.

 

 

Awesome joke K^2 icon14.gif

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H4milton
You probably aren't old enough to get it.

areeh kuttarbaccha, tui ei baal saal likhle ami kemne bujhmu :S pp2nbsdhu

^^if i write a joke in that way, and if you dont understand it, I'll say "You are not old enuf to understand it" tounge.gif

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K^2

Some people are beyond help.

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Girish

Just came across this;

 

A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager.

 

Not realizing that the customer had followed him. He told the manager, “A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon.”

 

He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly aded, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”

 

The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure.

 

“I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation,” he told the clerk.

 

“Veracruz!” said the clerk, “Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores.”

 

“My wife comes from Veracruz!” responded the boss.

 

“Oh” said the clerk. “And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?”

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PacMaan

Try googling "search engine".

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VCRules86

I got a couple racist jokes, one is a modified sports joke.

 

 

A racist is driving down the street, everytime he sees a black man he swerves and pretends to hit them.

 

He comes across a priest hitchhiking on the side of the ride and stops, "Do you need a ride father?" he asks

 

The priest says yes and gets into the car and the racist drives off. He sees a black guy and pretends to hit him, he hears a loud thud.

 

"Sorry father, I should not have tried to hit that black man?" says the racist.

 

"That's okay," says the priest "I got him with the door."

 

--------------------------

 

Why do black people have nightmares?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because the last one that had a dream got shot.

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GTA3Rockstar
Try googling "search engine".

And....?

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asimov

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

 

Nothing, she ovbiously dosen't listen.

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Effy in Chains

I tried that new liquid Viagra last night, it didn't do anything but it made me look real hard.

 

 

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Seachmall
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

 

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

Fixed.

 

I prefer this one.

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nerner

Did you hear about the viagra for computers?

 

It turns your 3 inch floppy into a 7 inch hard disk!

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H4milton

why did bin laden run away from his wives?

 

because everytime he opened her legs he saw BUSHtounge2.gif

 

2nd one:

 

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

 

When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

 

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.

 

When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.

 

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

 

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,…and……finds four Chinese men

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Vasilyrud

sh*t! That ones funny!

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