The Joke Thread

[Sunrise Driver]

If putin bombs London, the unthinkable could happen... ... property prices could fall.

But at least no British will die!

Edited October 14, 2016 by Street Mix

[H4milton]

Jobs do not exist anymore.

 

 

steve

 

[Sunrise Driver]

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Street Mix

[Onett]

Faith may not move mountains...

But they do bring airplanes and architecture together.

[Gnocchi Flip Flops]

"Chute dat pizza chip"

[Sunrise Driver]

I ordered a leather sofa off the IKEA website last week.

They sent me a dead cow and some instructions on how to skin it.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Street Mix

[JON22]

What did the witch scream when her doctor diagnosed her with *alopecia?

 

"I'm moulting........MOULTING"!!!!!!?¡¡¿¿

 

Thank you thank you I'm here until that walking stick yanks me off stage.

 

 

*that word popped into my head for no reason so I googled it and made a sh*t joke out of it.

[Dwnld]

What do successful artists and healers have in common?

They're both only appreciated when they're dead.

 

It's fun, because it's true.

[PhillBellic]

French weapons are well represented in antiquity...because they seldom suffered from heavy use...

[Femme Fatale]

Two corpses are laying next to each other in a morgue, one is an obese woman, and the other one is a man who's so decomposed, that he can play the yellow bastard from Sin City...While the coroner starts the autopsy on the woman, he spreads her chest wider and wider so he can go deeper in her guts, and while doing so, her hand accidentally lands on top of the yellow man's genitals...While he watches the coroner remove the fat woman's intestines, the yellow man decides to be sassy, and says to the woman: "You always were a gutless bitch"...The woman looks at him, and replies: "And you're a yellow bellied bastard with a limp dick!"

[Sunrise Driver]

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

 

Edited November 5, 2016 by Street Mix

[Femme Fatale]

What does a lisping necrophile say when he shoves his thumb up a dead man's anus?

 

Well you know what they th-ay, th-ome(umb) like it warm, and th-ome(umb) like it cold!

 

Edited November 8, 2016 by Achlys

[The Dedito Gae]

What does a lisping necrophile say when he shoves his thumb up a dead man's anus?

 

Well you know what they th-ay, th-ome(umb) like it warm, and th-ome(umb) like it cold!

 

Just no.

[Murdick]

 

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

 

 

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

 

Carry on posting jokes like this and you probably will too. Haha.

[VROmead]

America.

[PhillBellic]

^ Going further;

 

The US Electoral System.

[VROmead]

^ Going further;

 

The US Electoral System.

Oh god... lol don't even get me started on that. BIGGEST JOKE EVER!

[Khephera]

According to

, Trump is the troll of the century:

Tweet: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/299604146984738817

[VROmead]

According to

, Trump is the troll of the century:

Tweet: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/299604146984738817

Uhh... where is this russell character located? I need latitude and longitude figures.

[DERGaming]

 

According to

, Trump is the troll of the century:

Tweet: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/299604146984738817

Uhh... where is this russell character located? I need latitude and longitude figures.

37.0902° N, 95.7129° W

[Khephera]

 

According to

, Trump is the troll of the century:

Tweet: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/299604146984738817

Uhh... where is this russell character located? I need latitude and longitude figures.

 

xD

I'm not going to advocate lynching here, but yeah, y'all now know who is to blame^^

[AlienTwo]

Come on, people, this isn't a circle-jerk chat thread, get back to the jokes. And looking back on the last few "jokes..." put some effort into them, ok? I get there's some low-hanging fruit here, but at least f*cking try .

[DERGaming]

I thought it would be funny if they made a game so easy that if you jump it does 50 damage and if you do a backflip he surrenders.

[Polaco]

Come on, people, this isn't a circle-jerk chat thread, get back to the jokes. And looking back on the last few "jokes..." put some effort into them, ok? I get there's some low-hanging fruit here, but at least f*cking try .

Ok, a great joke for you:

 

Trust Polls, they are 100% accurate.

[Sunrise Driver]

20 Reasons Video Games are Better than Sex

You can play with three different partners at once

No one gets made when you play 5 different games in one day

Foreplay only lasts as long as the loading screen

It’s ok to play by yourself

You can play video games for 6 hours straight

And still not break a sweat

If you’re having trouble with a game your friend can come over and show you how it’s done

A fresh video game can fall into your lap every week

Anyone can pick up a controller and score

You can pause a video game

And you can reload from a save when you mess up

Everyone’s console is the same size

You don’t have to worry about your health when you pick up a used copy

It’s easy to find someone to do it with

You can brag to your friends about your best score, even when your girlfriend is around

You can return any game you don’t like it, no questions asked

There is no fear of a video game taking advantage of you

You can eat and drink in the middle of a session

Playing the same video game every day doesn’t make you clingy

You can borrow your friends new game as long as you return it

Edited November 16, 2016 by Street Mix

[The Time Ranger]

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

 

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

 

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

 

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

 

A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

 

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the f***ing fridge again!

 

 

 

 

Im at the local Police station. I've been arrested and charged with drink driving. Urine sample was positive, so I stole the sample. Now I'm being charged with taking the p1ss.

[Sunrise Driver]

[The Time Ranger]

What do you get if you cross human DNA and goat DNA.

 

Kicked out of the petting zoo

 

 

 

A man and his wife are woke up, at 3 o'clock in the morning, by loud knocking on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger stands, in the pouring rain.

 

"Any chance you could give me a push?" he asks.

 

"No chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

 

"Just some chap wanting a push" he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and pouring down with rain."

 

"Well, you've have an awful short memory" says his wife. "You don't remember about three months ago when the car broke down on holidays and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

 

The husband lets out a sigh, gets dressed, goes out into the wet, and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" shouts the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"I'm over here on the swings!"

[locknload5614]

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because he can, right?

 

No, it's because he can't make a fist.

[Red XIII]

What did bill gates name microsoft after?

 

 

 

 

 

His penis.