The Joke Thread

[KlIIUMlNATl]

Not a fan if racist jokes..

 

Why does 6 hate 7?

 

7 ate 9, but 9 is a hoe who always 69's 6.

[RogerWho]

The Playboy magazine interviews an 80-year old man who's well known for being a womanizer and extremely popular with women.

 

They ask him, what's his secret, being such a stud in such an old age?

 

"I really have no idea," answers the old man and licks his eyebrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

// I remembered this one after watching TAME IMPALA ‘The Less I Know The Better’ music video.

[Sunrise Driver]

Why did America remove the "u" from "colour".

 

Because f**k u that's why.

 

----------

 

It was no good, the judge had made his mind up.

"Please, you don't understand. I have six children and a wife. I can't go back in there, it'll kill me," I pleaded.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," the judge replied, "but you have served your time and you are now a free man."

 

----------

 

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Street Mix

[Sunrise Driver]

Why are Americans so good at olympic shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Street Mix

[RogerWho]

A guy in a wheelchair is crossing the train tracks and gets stuck. So he shouts towards the nearest house, hoping someone will hear him, but nobody is coming. The barriers are coming down, which means the train is coming. The guy now screams his lungs out but still nobody hears him. Eventually a drunk comes out of the house and shouts - "What's with all the screaming?"

The wheelchair guy looks to the side, sees the train just 100 meters away and says - "You know what, never mind... But watch this crash, it's gonna be f*cking epic!"

Edited August 10, 2016 by RogerWho

[Mister Pink]

Jesus was definitely a black man...

 

 

He never once saw his father.

 

 

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

So I replied, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology!"

Then I disconnected his life support.

[The Time Ranger]

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I dont have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

 

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

 

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

 

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

 

The bartender says, "No."

 

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

 

 

 

''Knock Knock''

 

''Whos there?''

 

'' Doorbell Repair Man''

[AlienTwo]

[Sunrise Driver]

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events.

Edited August 21, 2016 by Street Mix

[The Dedito Gae]

How many black people do you need to start a riot?

 

 

1-

 

[Femme Fatale]

What does a necrophile sing before he kisses a corpse?

 

Every kiss begins with de-kay...

 

[Sunrise Driver]

Taken from IMDB:

 

After the release of this movie [Die Another Day], Pierce Brosnan was approached by a man in a Dublin bar who asked to shake his hand. Brosnan complied and then cracked up when the man quipped, "That's the closest my hand will ever get to Halle Berry's arse".

Edited August 29, 2016 by Street Mix

[Fonz]

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

 

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

 

 

What's the difference between the royal family and cancer?

cancer evolves

 

Edited August 29, 2016 by Black_MiD

[rixyboyy18]

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

 

 

Depends on how hard you throw them.

[RogerWho]

Why can't a GTA V Police Interceptor be used as a safety car at a F1 race?

 

Because the F1 cars wouldn't be able to keep pace.

[018361]

This is one I heard last night from a comedy show but I felt that I had to share it.

 

So, I was at Walmart walking down the aisle when I hit something with my cart. I immediately thought "Great what did I break that i'll have to pay for?" I looked down to the floor and it was a midget. I said to him "I'm so sorry are you alright?" to which he replied "I'm not happy". I said to him "Then which one are you?"

[PhillBellic]

Found on Imgur;

 

 

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

 

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

[Alvarez]

From Bash.im: "you never felt the total immersion when you haven't watched Day of the Dead with drunken dad banging at your rooms door."

[Sunrise Driver]

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having sex.

The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body.

What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?

A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.

My wife said she'd like another baby...

...I agreed, the one we have is f**king annoying!

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms."

Vote for Trump!!! He will end racism!!! By kicking all nonwhites out of the country and therefore there will be nobody to be racist toward!

Edited September 6, 2016 by Street Mix

[PhillBellic]

Did you hear about the lady whose whole left side was cut off?

She's all right now.

 

I wondered why the Cricket Ball was getting larger.

Then it hit me.

 

Bakers swap recipes on a knead to know basis.

[Sunrise Driver]

I caught my son listening to a song called "Smack my Bitch Up".

I took him to one side and explained it wasn't big or clever to hit women.

"But Dad", he said, "It's not about that at all. It's about injecting women with heroin so they can be manipulated into prostitution."

I apologised for my mistake.

Edited September 23, 2016 by Street Mix

[Megumi]

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

[The Time Ranger]

Do you know what happened to the dyslexic devil worshipper?

 

He sold his soul to Santa.

 

 

 

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.

 

The owner of the shop said, "what do you do for a riving?"

 

I said, "what do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."

 

So the Chinese chap says, "go on then, change colour."

 

I said, "no! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."

 

So then he says, "tell me a joke, make me raff."

 

I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"

 

Just then his Pan caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"

 

And he said, "who der?"

[Sunrise Driver]

If you stay in a Trump hotel, refuse to pay.

Say that you weren't satisfied.

He said that's cool.

[Megumi]

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?

 

 

A conversation.

 

[Razar]

Why is Kim Jong-un so evil?

Because he doesn't have...

a Seoul.

 

Edited October 10, 2016 by TheIceWarrior

[The Time Ranger]

An Englishman,

a Scotsman,

an Irishman,

a Welshman,

a Latvian,

a Turk,

a German,

an Indian,

a Moroccan,

a Frenchman,

a Dane,

several Americans (including a Hawaiian

and an Alaskan),

an Argentinean,

a Slovak,

an Australian,

an Egyptian,

a New Zealander,

a Japanese,

a Spaniard,

a Russian,

a Uzbek,

a Guatemalan,

a Colombian,

a Pakistani,

a Malaysian,

a Croatian,

a Cypriot,

a Pole,

a Lithuanian,

a Chinese,

a Sri Lankan,

a Lebanese,

a Cayman Islander,

a Ugandan,

a Vietnamese,

a Korean,

a Uruguayan,

a Czech,

an Icelander,

a Mexican,

a Finn,

a Honduran,

a Panamanian,

an Andorran,

a Venezuelan,

an Iranian,

a Fijian,

a Peruvian,

an Israeli,

an Estonian,

a Brazilian,

a Liechtensteiner,

a Moldovan,

a Syrian,

an Aruban,

a Mongolian,

a Portuguese,

a Hungarian,

a Canadian,

a Cook Islander,

a Norfolk Islander,

a Haitian,

a Macedonian,

a Bolivian,

a Georgian,

a Bahaman,

a Tajikistani,

an Armenian,

an Albanian,

a Samoan,

a Greenlander,

a Micronesian,

a Virgin Islander,

a Belarusian,

a Qatari,

a Tongan,

a Cambodian,

a Canadian,

a Cuban,

an Azerbaijani,

a Romanian,

a Chilean,

a Kyrgyzstani,

a Jamaican,

a Filipino,

a Ukrainian,

a Dutchman,

an Ecuadorian,

a Costa Rican,

a Swede,

a Serb,

a Swiss,

a Greek,

a Bulgarian,

a Belgian,

a Singaporean,

an Italian,

a Norwegian

and two

Africans walk into a fine restaurant...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but

you can't come in here without a Thai."

[Sunrise Driver]

Today's a really good day...

10/10.

Edited October 10, 2016 by Street Mix

[Femme Fatale]

A kid is doing his homework, and he asks his dad:

"Dad! Dad! What does it called when a person sleeps on top of another person?"

 

The dad answers:

"That's called sex, son..."

 

The son replies:

"Oh, thanks!"

 

The next day the kid comes back home from school, and he tells his dad:

"Dad! The teacher said that you need to go have a talk with her..."

 

The dad replies:

"Why?! What did you do this time?!"

 

The kid answers:

"I didn't do anything! It's because of the question you helped me with yesterday, the real answer was bunk!"

 

 

[Megumi]

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

Edited October 12, 2016 by Seventh Star