The Joke Thread

[Sunrise Driver]

I regret joining the gym recently.

Leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds.

[Femme Fatale]

What did a cannibal say after eating a little person dressed up as the leprechaun from Lucky Charms?

 

He was magically delicious!

 

[Sunrise Driver]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

[paperbagdude]

Life is like a box of chocolates -

 

 

It doesn't last long for fat people.

[Sunrise Driver]

How many Englishmen does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None. They just move out of the house.

[PhillBellic]

What kind of Key opens a Banana?

 

A Monkey.

 

[Big Mike]

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

 

Park in it, man!

 

[GTA3Rockstar]

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.

[Cosmic Gypsy]

So a dung beetle is rolling a ball of dung up a sand dune..

A fellow beetle says "Wow, that's a large ball of dung you got there."

The dung beetle, proudly replies "Yeah mate, it's a sh*t load of dung."



Joke made by me haha, be kind.

EDIT: Another joke, this one is a joint effort from me and a friend



So i got a pair of sh*tty headphones today...

I've had it up to ear with them.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Cosmic Gypsy

[The Time Ranger]

I bought shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what they were laced with but I've been trippin all day.

 

 

Why doesn't Jesus play first-person shooter games?

 

It takes him 3 days to respawn.

 

 

 

Did you ever see the film "Tractor"

 

No but I saw a trailer for it!

[Sunrise Driver]

Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

 

Edited July 15, 2016 by Street Mix

[Lancerator]

 

[Majestic81]

-What is the one good thing about child molesters? They drive slowly in the school zones..

 

-My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

 

-What is a redneck virgin? A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

 

-What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Majestic81

[izXenon]

78% of black men like sex in the shower. The other 22% haven't been to prison yet.

[Femme Fatale]

So some dude goes to visit a friend of his who hasn't talked to him in months, obviously, he's concerned...When he arrives, he notices a very foul stench coming out of the house...He walks in and he notices that the smell is coming from the bathroom...When he goes to check what's up, he sees that his friend is inside of the water filled bathtub...He's dead, and so decomposed that his body has become one with the water, and is basically soup now...The visitor's response?

 

"How ironic, his name was Stu..."

[RogerWho]

A teacher is giving his pupils a quiz:

"There are 9 planets in our solar system, there are 5 continents on our planet, and 7 billion people. Now the question is... How old am I?"

 

The class is silent.

 

"So? Nobody has an idea how old am I?"

 

Eventually little Billy raises his hand slowly.

 

"You're 46 years old."

 

"That is correct Billy! How did you know?"

 

"My brother is 23 and my dad says he's half moron."

 

 

===========================

 

 

An American, a German and a Russian meet in heaven and chat about how they died.

 

The German says: "I got a sports car for my birthday and when I went for a test drive, I crashed and got killed."

 

The American says: "I got a helicopter for my birthday and when I went for a test flight, I crashed and got killed too."

 

The Russian says: "My brother got a bicycle for his birthday and I died of hunger."

 

 

 

===========================

 

 

Mr. Smith is getting a phone call.

"Hello, Mr. Smith? This is the Zoo. Your mother in law just fell in the alligators pool."

"Why the hell should I care? Those are your alligators. You save them."

 

 

===========================

 

An old grandpa is standing in front of a restaurant and looks really sad. Another man comes over and asks what's up.

 

"I'd really like to get something fine to eat but I forgot my teeth at home," says the grandpa.

 

The other guy opens his bag, takes out a handful of dentures and gives them to the grandpa. He, astounded, tries them all out and finds one that are a good fit.

 

"This is amazing! What do I owe you?"

 

"Nah, it's fine, keep them. I've got plenty of those."

 

"You're a dentist?"

 

"No, I work at the funeral home."

 

 

 

===========================

 

 

Two elephants are sitting on top of a fence.

What's the time?

 

It's time to buy a new fence.

 

Edited July 22, 2016 by RogerWho

[KlIIUMlNATl]

honestly just found those in a comment section on youtube, but hey,....

 

Q: who are the fastest readers in the world ?

 

A: 9/11 victims, they went trough about 80 stories in 20 seconds

 

 

 

 

"dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it"

 

Dude.. 9/11 jokes are just plane wrong

[PhillBellic]

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

 

A-mean-o acid.

[TKDSnovelist]

You know what's Icantthinkofonew favorite porn actress?

 

 

Laurie Savage

 

 

Don't worry, it's not NSFW, it's a simple joke.

 

I reckon its

 

 

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicki_Hunter

 

 

 

[KlIIUMlNATl]

Knock knock

-Who's there?

9/11

-9/11, who?

-I thought you wont forget !!!

[AlienTwo]

*You said you'd never forget...

[RogerWho]

Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve. Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.

 

-------

 

Why are there no Mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the border.

 

-------

 

I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart. But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.

 

------

 

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it?" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."

So he walks into the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

Edited July 28, 2016 by RogerWho

[KlIIUMlNATl]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

[GTA_stu]

GTAF servers.

[RogerWho]

What's that dark, ugly, incredibly depressing thing that's knocking on your door?

 

Your supposedly bright and happy future.

 

 

 

 

------

 

 

A teenager in the Netherlands is asking his grandpa:

"Grandpa, have you seen my cookies?"

"Forget cookies and check out that dragon in the kitchen!"

 

 

 

------

 

Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Edited July 29, 2016 by RogerWho

[Femme Fatale]

What's that dark, ugly, incredibly depressing thing that's knocking on your door?

 

Your supposedly bright and happy future.

 

I thought they were called Jehovah's Witnesses...

[DERGaming]

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

 

A-mean-o acid.

HEY!!!! Only The Joker Tells Jokes Like That

[KlIIUMlNATl]

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

A eco-hipster walks into a bar...

Hipster jokes... just too mainstream.

 

Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically.

 

 

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate it before it was cool.

[The Time Ranger]

Saudi Arabia do not sell Flintstone DVD's

 

but Abu Dhabi do

 

 

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

 

Dr. Dre.

 

 

I went to the doctor today and explained

"whenever i harvest our cornfields,i get a really bad headache"

 

"It's a migraine" he said

 

"No it's not,it's mine,and why the fcuk have you started speaking in an Italian accent?"

[RogerWho]

In the spirit of political correctness, the following jokes should offend everybody!

 

------

 

The anniversary of 9/11 approaches and I don't usually buy in to conspiracy theories, but did you spot that if you add 9 and 11 you get 20. And that is curiously the average IQ of an American.

 

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Q: What do you call the most powerful white man on the planet? A: The President of the Unit... Wait, sh*t.

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When terrorists feed their children, do they use the airplane method of "open wide" while making airplane noises? Or do they just smash it into their faces?

 

------

 

A black guy walks into a bar with a big bright colorful parrot on his shoulder.
"Dude where did you get that?" The bartender asks.
"In Africa, there's tons of them there," says the parrot.

 

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What do you do when your laptop gets wet? Put it in a bowl of rice, an Asian will show up and he'll fix it.

 

------

 

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.

 

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What's the flattest surface you can iron your clothes on? An Asian girl's ass.

 

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How do you know a Chinese tried to rob your house? You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, your dog is missing and two hours later he's still trying to back out of your driveway.

 

------

 

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
— Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
— I've had 8 drinks, officer.
— That's no excuse to let your wife drive.

Edited July 31, 2016 by RogerWho