The Joke Thread

[Fonz]

I found my friend having sex with his peanut butter jar... That guy was f*cking nuts.

 

Confucius says: man who eats too many prunes sits on toilet for many moons.

 

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

 

Because it's two-tired.

 

Edited April 15, 2016 by Black_MiD

[AlienTwo]

Confucius says: Masterbation good, sometimes it comes in handy.

[Big Mike]

Confucius says: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky.

 

Confucius says: Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

 

Confucius says: Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Big Mike

[PhillBellic]

Confucius says: Person who wear white pants on train, better have good washing powder.

[Mister Kay]

Confucius say too damn much!

[Star-Lord]

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly.

 

The second guy says No Way!

 

So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.

 

The second guy is totally amazed, so he says You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too.

 

All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says Ok, I will be able to fly now.

 

All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground SPLAT! dying instantly.

 

The third guy turns to the first guy and said...

You know Superman, you can be such a real jerk when you drink. Gawd not cool dude.

 

[The Dedito Gae]

David: "Hey Kyle, did you know that if you stared in pornography, you would get paid more if you do it with the same gender?"

 

Kyle: "I know. It's basically like getting a bigger reward for playing on Hard Mode."

Hahaa

 

Porn on Hard Mode is an understatement.

[Arachne]

What did the squirrel say to the other after he discovered that his girlfriend was cheating on him?

 

"You gotta be nutting me"

[AlienTwo]

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

 

 

A pilot, you racist.

 

 

[PhillBellic]

I long for the days before Political Correctness.

 

When kids were allowed to play Livestock Management Technicians and Indigenous Peoples.

[Sunrise Driver]

I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex.

They know my name isn't Someone Help.

 

 

 

What's the difference between the government and organised crime?

 

 

One is organised.

 

 

 

My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.

It was three weeks before anyone noticed.

 

 

 

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Edited May 1, 2016 by Street Mix

[Star-Lord]

Confucius say: Man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.

 

Confucius say: Man who run in front of bus is bound to get tired.

 

Confucius say: Man who fight with wife all day gets no piece at night.

[lil weasel]

A Pessimist sees a dark tunnel

 

An Optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel

 

A Realist sees a freight train

 

The Train engineer sees 3 idiots standing on the rails

[PhillBellic]

A Fisherman was trying to learn the Alphabet.

 

He was lost at C.

[universetwisters]

What do you call an Italian hooker?

 

A pastituite.

[PhillBellic]

I just burnt my Hawaiian Pizza.

 

I should have used aloha temperature.

[MythicalCreature]

When does two and two equal five?

 

 

When you make a mistake in counting.

 

 

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

 

 

Because the road crossed the Chicken.

 

 

Why can't you burn water?

 

Because water is fire-proof.

 

[The Dedito Gae]

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

 

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands are black."

[GTA_stu]

Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

 

A: Because they're ugly and they smell bad.

 

 

Q: Why do women give birth?

 

A: Because it's extremely painful and they deserve it.

Edited June 4, 2016 by GTA_stu

[DarkSavageDeathlyCloud]

honestly just found those in a comment section on youtube, but hey,....

 

Q: who are the fastest readers in the world ?

 

A: 9/11 victims, they went trough about 80 stories in 20 seconds

 

 

 

 

"dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it"

[Sunrise Driver]

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do...

They shoot each other in schools, because they have class.

[Femme Fatale]

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

 

You gonna eat that?

 

[GTA3Rockstar]

What's the most frowned upon crime in the sea????

 

 

Grand Theft Otter

[PhillBellic]

Knock Knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Daisy.

 

Daisy who?

 

Daisy me rolling, they hating...

 

[Fooking Rekt]

● Acting like a dick won't make yours bigger.

 

● Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Emanuel

 

Emanuel who?

 

Emanuel de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón

[PhillBellic]

I don't trust Stairs, because they're always up to something.

[AlienTwo]

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?" The kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"

[Bandersnatch]

Q: What do you call a chav in a box ??

 

A: Init

Edited June 16, 2016 by Remapped

[Big Mike]

What's red and white and sitting in a corner?

 

a baby chewing on a razor blade

 

 

What's red, white, and green and sitting in a corner?

 

same baby two weeks later

 

[PhillBellic]

What do you call a mad with a Spade for a head?

 

Doug.