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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Hayden

 

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Here's a better version:

 

A little girl walked up to her mother and asked, "Mummy, why is my name Daisy?"

to which the mother replied, "Because when you were born, a Daisy petal fell on your head."

A second daughter walked up and asked, "Mummy, why is my name Rose?"

"Because," replied the mother, "when you were born, a rose petal fell on her head."

A third girl walked in shouting "nnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaa", to which the mother replied, "Shut up, Fridge."

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Nikofan112

I feel like an idiot, but who the hell is Jade Goody?

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Seachmall

 

I feel like an idiot, but who the hell is Jade Goody?

http://tinyurl.com/bgka6t

Fail. (Jane Goody?)

 

 

 

She had her effigy burnt in India because of that.

Edited by Seachmall

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QwertyAAA
I feel like an idiot, but who the hell is Jade Goody?

http://tinyurl.com/bgka6t

Fail. (Jane Goody?)

 

 

 

She had her effigy burnt in India because of that.

All right, all right.

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Effy in Chains

Why if it isn't an outrageously un-pc knight in shining armour posting depraved jokes to save the topic...

 

1. What do you call one dead Manchester-United Fan?

 

A good start.

 

What do you call two dead Manchester-United Fans?

 

Holly and Jessica.

 

2. What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

 

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

 

3. Managed to get my car insurance reduced by £200 this morning.

 

I changed my occupation to 'paedophile'.

 

Apparently driving around slowly and being on the lookout for children is just what they're looking for in a customer.

 

4. What's the worst thing about paedophilia?

 

No titty wanks.

 

5. I had my dreams crushed yesterday.

It turns out the newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy.

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Ultraussie
Why if it isn't an outrageously un-pc knight in shining armour posting depraved jokes to save the topic...

 

2. What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

 

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

 

lol.gif

Thats so funny, thanks for saving my topic mate!

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call an masturbating 8 year old on a computer?

 

A habbo user.

 

What do you call a masturbating 11 year old on a computer?

A pornography director

What do you call 2 13 year olds watching porn together?

Mum & Dad

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WastedEngland

I got this one in a text earlier:

 

"Hey, I was in town earlier and was going to buy a you a Jade Goody Calender, I didn't bother though because none of them went past April" devil.gif

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nerner

Jade Goody is still keen to be on telly, she is believed to be making an appearance on Most Haunted sometime next May.

 

What did the paedophile say when he got out of jail?

I feel like a kid again!!

 

Did you hear about the blonde who was sent to poisen bin Laden?

She got her tampax mixed up with her contacts and poisoned the wrong c*nt!!

 

How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None, they'd rather be in the darkness.

 

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

 

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

 

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

 

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

 

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

 

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

 

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

 

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

 

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

 

 

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank f*ck for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

 

Sorry if any of these jokes have already been said.

 

 

 

 

 

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PacMaan

Give a man a fish, and he'll feed his family for a day.

 

Give a load of blacks their very own thriving, prosperous farmland, and half of Zimbabwe starves to death.

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lc11

COLONEL - MAJOR

 

Tomorrow in 9 AM there will be a Sun Eclipse or a thing wich doesn't happen every day. You'll order to get the troops infront of the barracks. Everyday clothes. While observing the Sun Eclipse I will personaly give instructions. Incase of bad weather or bad view all men have to go in the GYM hall.

 

MAJOR - CAPTAIN

 

Across the colonel's order tomorrow in 9 AM there will be Sun Eclipse. Incase of rain in everyday clothes in the circle of the barracks there could be a chance of bad view. Then - Killing the Sun will be done in the GYM hall. Something like this doesn't happen every day.

 

CAPTAIN - LEFTENANT

 

Across the order of colonel, tomorrow in 9 AM in the GMY hall we will train for the Sun's death. Clothes - Everyday. If there will be rain or not, it's up to colonel. Something like that doesn't happen every day.

 

LEFTENANT - SARGENT

 

When tomorrow in the GYM hall will be rain, and something like that doesn't happen every day, our colonel will die in 9 AM in his everyday clothes.

 

SARGENT TO SQUADS

 

Soldiers, our colonel will die tomorrow. Something like that doesn't happen every day. I feel soory for him!

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nerner

Did you hear that Jade Goody is putting her ashes into 300 velvet bags, which will be distributed among her funeral guests.

She wants everyone to have a Goody bag!!

 

 

What do you call Jade Goody in a wedding dress.

A shuttle-cock!!

 

 

Due to the credit crunch it has been reported that women are actually sleeping with their husbands, to save money on batteries!!

 

 

Don't drink and drive:

  • Drive
  • Pull over
  • Have a drink
  • Put drink back down
  • Carry on driving.

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The Unvirginiser

I heard prostitutes are charging by the inch for blowjobs now. Doesn't affect me but I thought I'd get you lot a good deal, yaknow? smile.gif

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nerner

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change. The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die. Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink. The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at it. The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both f*cked"

 

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M%M factory?

She kept throwing away all of the W's!

 

A mushroom walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry but I can't serve you."

"Oh, but I'm a fun-gi!"

 

Why are black people scared of chainsaws?

Because they go "Run Nigga Nigga Nigga!"

Edited by nerner

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Ultraussie

Why did the Policemen jump out of the areoplane in a tandem skydive?

They wanted to promote their happiness

 

My sister (I dont have one in real life, c'mon, this is just a joke) masturbates in the loungeroom while everyone is at work. Their are a large assortment of ornaments around. Then Toy Story came on the T.V. She cleaned her act up. Then our mum came home naked. Apparently she wanted the ornaments for something unapparent. Then I came home normaly.

What I saw was disturbing. And I joined in!!!!!

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makeshyft
Why did the Policemen jump out of the areoplane in a tandem skydive?

They wanted to promote their happiness

 

My sister (I dont have one in real life, c'mon, this is just a joke) masturbates in the loungeroom while everyone is at work. Their are a large assortment of ornaments around. Then Toy Story came on the T.V. She cleaned her act up. Then our mum came home naked. Apparently she wanted the ornaments for something unapparent. Then I came home normaly.

What I saw was disturbing. And I joined in!!!!!

What f*cking language are you speaking? Are you just picking words at random from a dictionary and putting them into sentences?

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H4milton

 

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

 

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

 

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

 

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

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Ultraussie

 

Why did the Policemen jump out of the areoplane in a tandem skydive?

They wanted to promote their happiness

 

My sister (I dont have one in real life, c'mon, this is just a joke) masturbates in the loungeroom while everyone is at work. Their are a large assortment of ornaments around. Then Toy Story came on the T.V. She cleaned her act up. Then our mum came home naked. Apparently she wanted the ornaments for something unapparent. Then I came home normaly.

What I saw was disturbing. And I joined in!!!!!

What f*cking language are you speaking? Are you just picking words at random from a dictionary and putting them into sentences?

I laughed when I read your post. Then I nearly died by choking on a KRAFT In-A-Biskit Chicken Flavoured Biscuit.

 

 

 

 

Heres jokes:

 

 

A man walks into a closet. He finds a bottle. He opens it, and a Genie comes out!

The Genie said "I grant you 3 wishes, and anything you get your wife gets double".

The man says "I wish for a new wife.....".

The Genie says "Your wife gets 2".

The man says "I wish for a new house".

The genie says "Your wife gets two, ya know?"

The man says "I want to be half-beaten to death".

 

 

 

*Sing like Hoedown, thank you Whose Line is it Anyway, LOL Ryan Styles you ROCK*

"I think Childbirth is quite neat, I fold out a chair and sit at the ladies feet,

But then she got up screaming towards the door, it turns out she's never seen me before!".

Edited by Ultraussie

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Wuirt 

Why do jews have big nostrals?

Because air is free...

whatsthat.gif

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PacMaan

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

 

The librarian recommends the Qur'an.

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Stig

 

Give a man a fish, and he'll feed his family for a day.

 

Give a load of blacks their very own thriving, prosperous farmland, and half of Zimbabwe starves to death.

Even though the inflation rate in Zimbabwe is like 213,000,000%, right?

 

Anyway, Why is it better to have a white teacher than a black teacher?

 

It's alot easier to carry an apple than a watermelon to school.

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Sprackta

How long does it take for a black woman to take a sh*t?

9 Months

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GTA3Rockstar

What's the difference between a pair of pants and an Ethiopian?

 

A pair of pants only has one fly on it

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nerner

Whats red and white and goes around in circles at 60 miles an hour?

A baby in a blender

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hmvartak

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

 

A. You have very large hands.

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nerner

I like black people:

I used to live with some until my dad sold them!

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H4milton
I like black people:

I used to live with some until my dad sold them!

LOL, you racist c*nt tounge.giftounge.gif

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Autopilot

What's Michael Jackson's favourite team?

 

Young Boys

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Hell No..

Jade Goody has sealed yet another TV deal...she's announced that she will be appearing in "Most Haunted" sometime in early April.

 

 

----------------

 

When Jade is finally cremated, her friends and family will be given a pouch of her ashes so everyone can go home with a Goody bag.

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Quick Stop
Jade Goody has sealed yet another TV deal...she's announced that she will be appearing in "Most Haunted" sometime in early April.

 

 

----------------

 

When Jade is finally cremated, her friends and family will be given a pouch of her ashes so everyone can go home with a Goody bag.

Both of them have been done mate lol.gif

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