The Joke Thread

[Big Mike]

Thanks

[PhillBellic]

What do you call canned Kangaroo meat?

 

Cangaroo.

 

[Sensui-chan]

I used to make pretty crappy jokes but I stopped because I was pun-ished

School is like a boner, long and hard; unless you're Asian

Sand is probably called sand because it's inbetween the sea and land

How do you greet other people if you're a dwarf?

 

With a microwave

 

 

The seller at the sausage stand has been robbed: it was the wurst day of his career

 

 

 

I'm sorry

[Star-Lord]

Alcohol

 

- Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.

When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough.

 

- Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.

It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.

 

- Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.

 

- I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

 

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

- If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

 

- I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

 

- I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

 

- Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people.

 

- My body is not a temple.....it's a distillery with legs.

 

- No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

 

- You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast

 

 

- Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

 

- When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!

 

With that said, don't drink and drive, it will spill everywhere.

 

Stay thirsty my friends

[The Dedito Gae]

What do John Lennon and Bernie Mac have in common?

 

 

They are both dead.

 

[PhillBellic]

Why didn't people like the Restaurant on the Moon?

 

Because there was no Atmosphere.

[Sensui-chan]

I would like to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon

 

The person who invented the door knocker should have won a No-bell prize

 

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it hit me

 

A friend of mine originally wasn't planning to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind

 

Mean one incoming:

What's the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?

 

If you leave yoghurt alone for two hundred years, it develops a culture

 

sorry

 

[AlienTwo]

Why didn't people like the Restaurant on the Moon?

 

Because there was no Atmosphere.

The moon does actually have an atmosphere, very thin and consisting of some "unusual gases," amongst them Potassium and Sodium. These gasses may not be found on Earth, Mars or Venus, but they are present and being held in place by lunar forces.

[PhillBellic]

 

Why didn't people like the Restaurant on the Moon?

 

Because there was no Atmosphere.

The moon does actually have an atmosphere, very thin and consisting of some "unusual gases," amongst them Potassium and Sodium. These gasses may not be found on Earth, Mars or Venus, but they are present and being held in place by lunar forces.

 

Dang. Way to kill the Joke there, Mr Science.

 

Anyway:

 

What happens when a Guillotine Operator is fired? He collects severance pay.

Why did the car cross the river with the boat? It was a Ford Escort.

[el_make]

Why were there bullet holes in the mirror?

 

A blonde tried killing herself.

 

Edited March 17, 2016 by el_make

[Star-Lord]

One corny joke coming up, brought to you in part by Kelloggs f*cktards® and Awesome Brands® - makers of stuff you're grandma use to talk about but you never tried. Like Spinach blueberry jam and delicious peanut butter and eggs coconut covered pitas. Delicious, Nutritious and light on your colon.

 

And now to our joke of the day....

 

Some random guy walks into a bar and yells out "Watch out dead man walking" and proceeds to the counter.

 

Bartender asks politely "Are you dieing?"

 

The man saids "No. But the dead hobo at the train station left these fine pair of shoes behind."

 

Man: Can I use your restroom?

Bartender : Well of course!

Man gets up from his seat as he approaches the restroom door yells out

"Live man sh*tting!"

[PhillBellic]

A woman wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town she planned to visit on her holiday. She wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. She is well-groomed and very well behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep her in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

MA'AM: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bed sheets, cutlery or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

[lil weasel]

Say it quickly:

 

What a wonderful fish are soles

What a beautiful fish are soles

No finer fish ever seen on a dish

Are soles,

Are soles

Edited March 18, 2016 by lil weasel

[Sunrise Driver]

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
— Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
— I've had 8 drinks, officer.
— That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

[DrAnomalous]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[Big Mike]

In Soviet Russia, Christmas steals the Grinch.

 

In Soviet Russia, fur ball coughs up cat.

 

In Soviet Russia, woman penetrates man.

 

In Soviet Russia, car drives you.

 

In Soviet Russia, joke tells you.

 

In Soviet Russia, deer hunt you.

Edited March 22, 2016 by Big Mike

[Sensui-chan]

A Skeleton saw his friend, Ghost, looking kind of sad

He asked "Hey, why such a sad face?

You know, you should get in an elevator"

The Ghost looked puzzled

The Skeleton said: "You know

To lift your spirits"

[Arachne]

You know what's Icantthinkofonew favorite porn actress?

 

 

Laurie Savage

 

 

Don't worry, it's not NSFW, it's a simple joke.

Edited March 24, 2016 by Arachne

[PhillBellic]

Here's a Shi*ty Easter Joke for you!

 

Why did the Easter Egg hide?

 

It was a little Chicken.

[el_make]

What's the difference between a woman and a battery?

 

A battery has a positive side.

 

 

How is a woman like a condom?

 

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

 

 

How do you piss of a female archaeologist?

 

Hand her a used tampon and ask what period is it from.

 

Edited March 26, 2016 by el_make

[Big Mike]

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs from?

 

an eggplant

 

 

What happened when the Easter Bunny misbehaved in school?

 

he was egg-spelled

 

 

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?

 

She had to call an eggs-terminator

 

 

How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?

 

eggs-ercise and hare-obics

 

 

How did the Easter Bunny dry himself off?

 

he used a hare dryer

 

 

What's the Easter Bunny's favorite place to eat breakfast?

 

Ihop

 

 

What do you call a tired Easter Bunny?

 

egg-zosted

 

 

What's the Easter Bunny's favorite story?

 

A Cotton Tale

 

 

What do you need if your chocolate bunnies mysteriously disappear?

 

an eggsplanation

 

 

Why was the Easter Bunny arrested?

 

hare-assment

 

Edited March 27, 2016 by Big Mike

[Sunrise Driver]

My daughter ran away from our home in Hull when she was only fifteen.

After three years of searching, I found her sleeping rough on the streets of London.

As we hugged each other, with tears running down our faces, I said, "My god, lass, you've done well for yourself."

 

++++++

 

I had a friend that went around telling everyone that he lives his life by Jesus' example.

 

His 34th birthday was pretty awkward.

 

 

++++++

 

'LSD makes users lose weight'

That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon's guarding it.

[Megumi]

I hate when people on social media ask for likes. Like if you agree.

[Big Mike]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse at a table with a jar of silver dollars. He goes up to the bartender and says,"what's up with the horse and the jar of silver dollars?"

Bartender says,"Well if you can get him to laugh you get that jar of silver dollars but you have to put one in first."

Guy says,"alright" and goes over to the table and puts a silver dollar in the jar. He whispers something in the horse's ear, and a few seconds later the horse is laughing. The guy takes the jar of silver dollars and leaves.

The guy comes back about a week later and the horse is still laughing and there is another jar of silver dollars. Guy goes up to the bartender and asks,"what's up with the laughing horse and the jar of silver dollars?"

Bartender says,"Well if you can get him to stop laughing you get that whole jar of silver dollars but you have to put one in first."

Guy says,"alright" and goes over to the table. He puts a silver dollar in the jar and whispers something in the horse's ear. A few seconds later the horse is crying. The guy takes the jar of silver dollars but before he can leave the bartender stops him and asks,"what'd you tell him? First you made him laugh then you made him cry."

Guy leans in and says," well first I told him my cock was bigger than his. Then I proved it"

Edited April 2, 2016 by Big Mike

[Megumi]

David: "Hey Kyle, did you know that if you stared in pornography, you would get paid more if you do it with the same gender?"

 

Kyle: "I know. It's basically like getting a bigger reward for playing on Hard Mode."

[MyName'sJeff]

I saw a crazy guy buying a jar of Nutella yesterday. Unfortunately, I also saw him open the jar and put his dick inside it. He seemed to enjoy it. That gave a whole new perspective on the title, "Nut-ella".

 

My wife no listen; So me nutella nothing.

Edited April 7, 2016 by MyName'sJeff

[PhillBellic]

Why did the Sith cross the Road?

 

To get to the Dark Side.

 

[AmigaMix]

A White guy goes to the public toilet, pulls it out, and on it two letters are visible: WY

The Swazi dude next to him says "what's that stand for"?

He replies "when it's hard, it says Wendy, my girlfriends name".

The Swazi pulls his out and it also has WY on it.

The guy asks if his girlfriend is also Wendy

The Swazi replies "no, mine says Welcome to Swaziland. Enjoy your stay".

[PhillBellic]

I did have a Railway Joke, but I left I at the Station.

[AlienTwo]

I did have a Railway Joke, but I left I at the Station.

Go back and get it. I came here for jokes, damnit.

 

 

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the zipper of his pants, the bartender asks; "Ahoy mate... do you realize you have a driving wheel in your crotch?"

 

The pirate replies, "Aye and, aaarrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

Edited April 15, 2016 by AlienTwo