The Joke Thread

[Claptrap NL]

For the football fans:

 

Arsenal spend money on players that can bring them trophies.

 

 

Liverpool FC wins the Premier League title

 

[Affalterbach]

What happens to a Jewish man if he walks in to a wall with a full erection?

 

 

he breaks his nose

 

 

What do you call a mexican on a riding lawnmower?

 

 

Promoted

 

[Sunrise Driver]

I have just got my exam results and thought I might take a gap year.

I decided on a tour to experience different cultures, Eastern and central European then African and the Middle Eastern regions etc.

So I've booked a £7.00 ticket on Megabus to London, day return.

 

[Pavle]

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

[PhillBellic]

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

[gtafan2u]

Once three blonds suffered a boat crash and were trapped in an unknown island. The nearest island where they came from was 4 miles away. These three blonds decided to swim to the nearest island.

First blond swim 1/2 mile and drowned because of being tired.

Second blond swim 1 mile became tired and drowned.

Third blond swim 3 and a 1/2 miles and thought that he could not swim the rest distance so, he just swim back to the island they were trapped in.

[Dutch Psycho]

I know a really short joke:my penis.

[gtafan2u]

Once one boyfriend messaged her girlfriend.

"You are CUTE"

The girlfriend replied.

"Thank you"

Then by reading her girlfriend reply the boyfriend again replied.

"Don`t take it the other way.

CUTE means-

C- Creating

U- Useless

T- Troubles

E- Everywhere"

[Vik]

Picture needed to understand joke.

 

[PhillBellic]

A man walks into a Bar...

Ouch!

 

[Niko Montana]

What do you call a dear with no eyes?

 

 

No idea

 

 

 

What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs?

 

 

Still no idea

 

 

[Sunrise Driver]

- Why do you call this version of software ‘beta’?

 

- Coz it’s beta than nothing.

 

[gtafan2u]

An elephant and an ant were playing football.

Elephant: If my mom will know that I am playing instead of studying now then he will punish me.

Ant: How will your mom will know about this?

Elephant: Cause she always goes by this field.

Ant: It`s okay, when your mom will come you just hide behind me.

[.Smaher.]

*Insert witty post found off the internet*

[PhillBellic]

I Downloaded an App to my Phone that takes a Picture when someone uses the wrong Code to Unlock it.

 

 

Now I have a Phone full of drunk Selfies.

 

[gtafan2u]

Once one wife returns home and goes to her bedroom.

He sees four legs coming out of the blanket on her bed. Being angry at her husband she brings a baseball bat and beats hard with the blanket covered. Then she goes to the kitchen to drink and sees her husband there.

Husband- Hi darling, your parents came today so, I offered them our bedroom.

[AlienTwo]

Knock Knock

 

who's there

 

9/11

 

9/11 who?

 

 

 

YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T FORGET!

 

 

[Vik]

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger.Then it hit me.

[Pavle]

What happened to the illegally parked frog?

 

 

It got toad away.

 

[Star-Lord]

David was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of

a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the

next sale he missed would be his last.

 

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask David for their

best cough syrup. Try as he might David could not find the

cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box

of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer

did as David said and then walked outside and leaned against

a lamp post.

 

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask David what

had transpired.

 

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the

cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it

all at once," David explained.

 

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

 

"Sure it will" David said, pointing at the man leaning on

the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Edited September 15, 2015 by pcguytech

[Sasuke Uzumaki]

A priest, a rabbi, and the Pope walk into a bar.

 

They all have concussions now.

[The Dedito Gae]

Here are some good jokes,

 

Whats more disgusting than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

One baby nailed to 10 trees, KA BOOM!

 

 

 

A cop was walking down the street and saw a boy outside at 4AM, he asked him what he was doing,

 

The boy said: Im looking for a whore.
Cop:How old are you?
Boy: im nine.
Cop: what you want a whore for?
Boy: Because i wanna get a disease.
Cop: What kind of f*cking disease?
Boy: A sexually transmitted one, officer.
Cop: Well why you wanna get a f*cking disease for?
Boy: Well, if i get it, i go home and f*ck the babysitter and she gets it, and she f*cks my dad and he gets it, and my dad f*cks my mom and she gets it, And she f*cks the gardener, and thats the c*nt im after cause he squashed my frog!

 

Edited September 15, 2015 by Midnight Hitman

[blitz]

Why did the monkey fall from the tree?

 

 

Because he was dead.

 

[Vik]

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

Edited September 16, 2015 by VikDarkbomb

[Star-Lord]

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a AT&T telephone pole?

 

 

A 10 foot cock that wants to...

"♪♪reach out , reach out, and touch someone♪♪".

 

[PhillBellic]

What's the difference between a Hippo, and a Zippo?

 

 

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

 

[EphemeralStar]

*Insert witty post found off the internet*

f*ck OFF PLEB.

 

 

[Ai®a©ob®a]

 

*Insert witty post found off the internet*

f*ck OFF PLEB.

Aren't you just adorable

 

 

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!

Edited September 19, 2015 by AiraCobra

[.Smaher.]

 

*Insert witty post found off the internet*

f*ck OFF PLEB.

 

 

 

Your post is a joke on it's own.

[OilfieldWILL92]

Did you hear about the guy that went to the doctor because his penis was turning orange? The doctor asked him if he was doing anything out of the ordinary lately, he said " no not really, just masturbating and eating Cheetos"