The Joke Thread

[Vik]

One good thing came out of Christopher Reeve's death, Stephen Hawkings got his parking space back.

 

Nothing came from his death really,shame he died ,he lived a long fulfilling life however.

 

 

Time flies like an arrow.....

 

 

But fruit flies like a banana

 

[ciel]

Damn it, you really had to quote me? Lol

 

I thought that may have been too much so I made an edit.

Edited August 17, 2015 by missanthropy

[Affalterbach]

Why do Jews have such big noses?

 

 

Because air is free!

 

[Dr.Playboy]

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

[Star-Lord]

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.[/size]She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,[/size]"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."[/size]

Meh? What was this joke about again?

 

I was too busy staring at you're avatar. - [rim shot]

 

[Pavle]

Why couldn't a bike stand on it's own?

 

Because it's two tired.

 

[Star-Lord]

Hope this isn't too much.

 

What do you call a Chinese pussy?

 

 

Tongue chow

 

[Th3MaN1]

My job is so f*cking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work. Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f*cking day.

Anyway, I drive these f*cktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Th3MaN1

[CrackerSteve]

What's black and never works?

 

 

Decaf coffee, you f*cking racist.

[Th3MaN1]

What's black and never works?

 

 

Decaf coffee, you f*cking racist.

Why did the kid drop his ice-cream?

Because the bus hit him.

 

Two fish are swiming alongside each other. Suddenly, one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says:

"Dam!"

Edited August 25, 2015 by Th3MaN1

[Pavle]

What did the dog say after a hard day at work?

 

 

"Today sure was ruff."

 

[Mister Pink]

 

One good thing came out of Christopher Reeve's death, Stephen Hawkings got his parking space back.

 

Nothing came from his death really,shame he died ,he lived a long fulfilling life however.

 

 

Time flies like an arrow.....

 

 

But fruit flies like a banana

 

 

 

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

 

 

Christopher Walken

 

[AlienTwo]

 

My job is so f*cking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work. Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f*cking day.

Anyway, I drive these f*cktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.

 

I never pictured you as the ascot type.

 

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

 

 

 

A pilot you f*cking racist.

 

 

[Th3MaN1]

I never pictured you as the ascot type.

 

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

 

 

 

 

A pilot you f*cking racist.

 

 

 

You'd be surprised.

 

 

 

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted:

 

"Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

 

The doctor replies:

 

"I know. I amputated your arms."

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.

 

He said: "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

 

 

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar.

 

His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

 

 

 

 

 

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

 

Because baseball and soccer are much more popular sports in Mexico.

 

 

 

 

 

What do a duck and bicycle have in common?

 

They both have handlebars.

 

Except for the duck.

 

 

 

 

 

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in the tree, watching a farmer go by.

 

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.

 

The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like chocolate.

 

They'll kill your dog.

 

 

 

 

 

If I had a nickel for every joke in here...

I still would not be able to pay off the gambling debts that tore apart my family.

 

 

 

 

 

Why was 5 afraif of 6?

 

Becau --- oh f*ck it, I've misspelled afraid, now the joke's never gonna get funny.

 

 

 

 

 

In a faraway forest, there lived a wolf. Now the wolf has been down on his luck the past few days, and he is absolutely starving.

By chance, he came across a lamb wandering alone in the forest. The wolf couldn't believe his luck. 'I'm going to eat you!' He sneered.

The lamb was very scared. 'Please don't eat me sir wolf. Please let me go', he begged.

Guess what happened next?...

The wolf ate the lamb.

 

 

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!"

 

Edited August 25, 2015 by Th3MaN1

[Claptrap NL]

I'll tell you another joke:

 

 

Rockstar's banwave.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a teabag and the English national football team?

 

 

A teabag stays longer in the cup.

 

 

 

So there are jokes about Bruce Lee, right. Ever heard of a joke about Chuck Norris?

 

 

This guy ain't no joke.

 

 

[Vik]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

 

 

It's impossible to put down

 

[PhillBellic]

I have a lot of Jokes about Unemployed people.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, none of them Work.

 

 

[Mister Pink]

You really got to hand it to blind prostitutes.

[Vik]

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

 

 

It's very time consuming

 

[Testarossa]

What do you call a time travelling owl?

 

Doctor Hoo.

[Y Λ N K X V]

Dod you know that Bruce Lee doesn't drink water, he drinks WATAAA.

 

Dem old jokes.

[PhillBellic]

If you are dating someone that doesn't like Star Wars, then you are looking for love in Alderaan places.

[DoctorStar]

They said that you can play dice as a mini game in The Witcher: II.

 

 

I said "How can a person play Battlefield in 1200s?"

[Th3MaN1]

An arab at airport:

- Name?

- Abdul Al Razhib.

- Sex?

- Three to five times a week.

- No, no, I mean: male or female?

- Yes... male, female, sometimes camel.

- Holly cow!

- Yes... cow, dog, even sheep.

- But isn't that hostile?

- Horse style, doggy style, any style!

- Oh, dear!

- No, no... deer run to fast!

Edited August 31, 2015 by Th3MaN1

[Star-Lord]

Boss - Why is it that my jokes about my lazy employees aren't funny?

Employees -

 

We dont know boss, we're just too tired to laugh.

 

 

Who was Bruce Lee having a steamming tasty weekend affair with?

 

Sara Lee

 

 

Bruce Lee once roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris so hard, that he left him reciting the lyrics to what song?

 

Counting Stars

 

 

[PhillBellic]

Why was the Eastern European pulled over?

 

 

 

Because she was just Russian along.

 

 

[Pavle]

Three guys are on a boat and have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do?

 

 

They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

[Sunrise Driver]

Johnson, this is the LAPD...
the most hated cops in the free world.
My own mama ashamed of me.
She tell everybody I'm a drug dealer.

[Not A Nice Person]

Irony: A cop shooting a white guy shooting a black guy.

[Pavle]

People are making jokes about the apocalypse like there's no tomorrow.