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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Maxrevv

Bill Gates died and went to heaven.

Saint Peter gave him a nice house with 4 bedrooms with a pool and a court. As he was walking around the Eden Garden,he saw a man relaxing in this gigantic pool,possibly the size of a football field,while having Lambo's and Ferrari's as a vehicle,with a 30-room mansion.

 

So he goes to Saint Peter and asks who is he,so Saint Peter said "That's the captain of Titanic". And he complained, "Why would,a captain of a ship,would get a much more privillages,than a guy who made the most important invention of all time?"

 

Saint Peter says, "The Titanic only crashed Once".

 

rolleyes.gif

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PacMaan

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

 

I just accidentally reversed into your car.

Quite a few people saw me do it.

They think I'm leaving my name and details.

Well, I'm not.

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Nikofan112

 

Q:What did the police do to the guy who stole Detroit Lions tickets?

 

A:They made him use them.

 

 

Q: What does D.A.M stand for?

 

A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

 

 

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H4milton
Q:What did the police do to the guy who stole Detroit Lions tickets?

 

A:They made him use them.

 

 

Q: What does D.A.M stand for?

 

A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

lol.......nicee......biggrin.gifbiggrin.gif

 

 

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

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sofa_king

Q: Did you hear the good news about the "two million" people who showed up for the Obama inauguration?

 

A: Only ten of them had to call off work.

 

 

 

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hmvartak

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

 

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

 

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

 

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

 

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

 

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

 

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

 

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

 

"Nope......... Just when it's raining".

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Isonis

A man went to the butchers the other day and bet his friend 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high'.

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860

an old man was in a bar. he suggested a little bet with thhe bartender.

 

-i bet you 20$ that i can bite my eye

 

-no you cant! said the bartender.

 

-wanna bet?

 

-sure, i´ve got to see this.

 

the man took out his glass eye and bit it.

 

-you owe me 20$

 

-god dammit..

 

-hey lets have another bet. i say that i can bite my eye without

taking it out.

 

-now thats impossible! said the bartender.

 

-wanna bet?

 

-well yeah!

 

the man took out his denture, and bit his glass eye with them.

 

-you owe me another 20$

 

the bartender paid him

 

then the man said:

 

-i bet that i can pee on you without you getting wet.

 

-what are you talking about!?

 

-it´s true. i can proove it. wanna bet?

 

-now i have got to see this

 

they went in the bathroom and the man started peeing on the bartenders pants.

 

-hey what is this!? im getting wet!

 

-i gotta let you win sometimes!

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H4milton

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

 

I do physical labor.

 

I work at great depths.

 

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

 

I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off.

 

I work in a damp environment.

 

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

 

I work in high temperatures.

 

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

 

Sincerely,

 

P. Niss

 

The Response :

 

Dear Penis:

 

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

 

Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

 

 

You do not work 8 hours straight.

 

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

 

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

 

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

 

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

 

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

 

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

 

You will retire well before you are 65.

 

You are unable to work double shifts.

 

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

 

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

 

Sincerely,

 

V. Gina

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Picolini

What's the best part about having sex with 11 year old girls?

 

Slicking their hair back and pretending they're 11 year old boys.

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PacMaan

 

What's the best part about having sex with 11 year old girls?

 

Slicking their hair back and pretending they're 11 year old boys.

 

I know that one as

 

 

What's the best part about having sex with 10 year old girls?

 

Bending them over and pretending they're 10 year old boys.

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Picolini

Meh, I like my version better tounge.gif

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Rhoda

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. I swear if you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

 

Last night I dreamt I was the author behind Lord Of The Rings. Turns out I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 

I met a 14 year old on the internet. She was clever, funny, smart and sexy so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover cop; how cool is that?

 

My gran said to me "young men of today aren't as polite or as charming as they were when I was young." I had to explain, "that's because they aren't trying to get in your knickers anymore."

 

I saw Lee "The Bionic Man" Majors the other day. He looked a million dollars. He's really let himself go...

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860
My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. I swear if you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

that was awesome biggrin.gif

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PacMaan

I went to an 80s themed party last night,

It started off great but by the end we'd all caught AIDS and lost our jobs.

 

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Vasilyrud

 

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

 

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

 

"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.

 

"You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

 

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away."

 

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

 

"No. This is the American Embassy."

 

 

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

 

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".

 

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

 

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

 

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

 

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

 

"No," said the little girl.

 

So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked.

 

"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy."

 

 

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

 

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

 

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

 

 

Compliment her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine & dine her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

go to the ends of the earth for her....

 

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.

Bring beer

 

 

A man from Beijing and a man from Houston went into a restaurant in Vancouver. They asked the waitress how many kinds of tea she has. She told them she has only one.

 

The Chinese said, "In Beijing, we have 3 kinds of tea."

"We have Jasmine. It’s 90% aroma and 10% substance."

"We have Oolong. It’s 10% aroma and 90% substance."

"We have Dragon Well. That’s preferred."

 

The American said, "In Houston, we have 3 kinds of tea."

"We have F-A-R tea. It’s 99% aroma and 1% substance."

"We have S-H-I tea. It’s 1% aroma and 99% substance."

"We have C-U-N tea. That’s preferred."

 

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hmvartak

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

 

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

 

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

 

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

 

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

 

 

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

 

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

 

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

 

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

 

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

 

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

 

************ **

 

Letter 1

 

Dear God,

 

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

 

I want a red one.

 

Your friend,

 

Bobby

 

************ **

 

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

 

So he tore up the letter and started over.

 

************ **

 

Letter 2

 

Dear God,

 

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like

 

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

 

Your friend,

 

Bobby

 

************ **

 

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

 

************ **

 

Letter 3

 

Dear God,

 

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

 

Bobby

 

************ **

 

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

 

************ **

 

Letter 4

 

God,

 

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

 

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

 

Please! Thank you,

 

 

Bobby

 

************ **

 

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

 

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

 

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

 

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.

 

 

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

 

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

 

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

 

Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.

 

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

 

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

 

Bobby began to write his letter to God.

 

**************

 

Letter 5

 

God,

 

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

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Hayden

A paraplegic walks-

An alcoholic walks into a bar-

A mute walks into a bar and says-

A pair of siamese twins walk into a bar and say "I'll-"

A muslim walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer-

A Hindu walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a hamburger-"

A Jew walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger-

A deaf man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says-

A blind man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look-"

A transsexual walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's-"

A feminist walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's the guy-"

An Irishman walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's the guy we don't have to worry about offending!"

 

Oh, /b/, you little bundle of joy. inlove.gif

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PacMaan

Chris Brown says he didn't purposely hit Rihanna, it was an accident.

 

Just another case of Americans and friendly fire then.

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Pat

What do nine out of ten people enjoy?

 

Gang rape.

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N i c k.

What's the difference between a baby and a pork chop?

 

I don't f*ck a pork chop before i eat it

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Seddo

Got this texted to me, thought it was pretty funny.

 

A woman with tiny tits goes into a store and asks for a bra size 32AAAA and gets a reply back we don't do anything that small. She then goes into another store and asks the same question only to get the same reply back, after several stores and the same answer, she then storms into one last store, marches up to the lingerie section pulls her top off and yells "Do you have anything for these", the assistant then replies back "Have you tried Clearasil".

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The Unvirginiser

What will Jade Goody be doing next Christmas?

 

Baby sitting for David Cameron

 

 

 

See you in hell devil.gif

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Effy in Chains
What will Jade Goody be doing next Christmas?

 

Baby sitting for David Cameron

 

 

 

See you in hell devil.gif

That is without a doubt the most shockingly hilarious Jade Goody joke that i've ever heard. I told it to a few friends and it resulted in a beautiful cocktail of disgust and laughter.

 

Gordon Brown has offered David Cameron deepest sympathies after the death of Ivan. He then went on to claim that he had managed to reduce unemployment by one and that disability benefit has also gone down.

 

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The Unvirginiser

I heard jade goody's gonna' be in a pantomime at Christmas.

 

Ohhhh nooooo sheeee's notttt.

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PacMaan

Isn't it ironic - Jade Goody's head looks like an egg, and will be in a box this easter.

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Mark

Now that Jade Goody has written out her will, is there any chance she could leave her cancer to Amy Winehouse?

___________________________________________________________________

 

What does Jade Goody and my joke have in common?

 

They're both going to get buried soon and I couldn't give a sh*t.

 

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Effy in Chains

Despite suffering from terminal cancer, Jade Goody still looks like a million Zimbabwean dollars.

 

Just saw a headline on Sky news saying "JADE'S CANCER TRAGEDY"

I thought, "Oh f*ck, she hasn't got better, has she?"

 

Contrary to recent reports, Jade Goody will indeed have a new series on Living TV.

Celebrity Most Haunted.

 

 

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Seachmall

 

Contrary to recent reports, Jade Goody will indeed have a new series on Living TV.

Oh the irony.

 

EDIT-

 

I never thought anything ever would want to eat Jade Goody's pussy.

 

Then along came cervical cancer.

 

----------------

 

Did you see the photos from Jade Goody's wedding? She looked lovely, not a hair out of place.

 

----------------

 

jade goody has been cheered up by one bit of good news today.

 

She got ten quid on eBay for her hairdryer.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

jade goody has cancer, and she claims that she is worried that hair loss might ruin her looks.

 

Nice to see she hasn't lost her sense of humour.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

jade goody has stated that she is "ready to go to heaven".

 

Looks like cancer isn't going to be the last bad news she hears.

Edited by Seachmall

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Ultraussie

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

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