The Joke Thread

[DrAnomalous]

I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war.

 

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

 

[lil weasel]

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

 

Why do cows have bells.

 

Their horns don’t work

 

 

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

 

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

 

 

Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end?

The English

all went out and got drunk.

 

The Irish

all went to church.

 

And

the Scots

had a closing down sale.

 

 

• There are four kinds of people in the UK :

i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;

ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;

iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.

iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

[PhillBellic]

Truck carrying fruit crashes on the freeway. Creates jam.

 

*ba, dum, tshh*

[Uncle Sikee Atric]

A woman is like a piano,

 

 

If she's not upright, she's grand.

 

 

I even got a 70's classic from Led Dawson....

 

I've just been to the mother-in-law's funeral,

 

 

I wanted to make sure she was really dead!

 

[lil weasel]

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

 

Hailing taxis

 

 

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

 

Because it scares their guide dog!

 

 

Did you hear about the cat that drank 5 bowls of water?

 

He set a new lap record.

 

 

What does a cat do when it gets mad?

 

It has a hissy fit.

 

 

 

 

 

Early Warning Signs

When you’re playing the piano, you frequently lose your grip on the bow.

You’re absolutely convinced nostalgia is a thing of the past.

You purchase season tickets to the Super Bowl.

You’ve caught yourself waving “Goodbye” instead of “Hello” when answering the telephone.

You put a higher antenna on your mailbox in an attempt to receive mail from farther away.

You fret over the fact that they never mention the hurricane’s last name.

You find yourself wondering what branch of the military Captain Kangaroo was in.

People repeat everything they say to you because you look way too stupid to grasp things the first time around.

People repeat everything they say to you because you look way too stupid to grasp things the first time around.

Edited May 16, 2015 by lil weasel

[DrAnomalous]

A plane is going down over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Passengers are panicking and freaking out. A woman stands up in the middle of the aisle. She tears off her shirt frantically and yells out, "before I die I want to feel like woman one last time, oh is there any man willing to make me feel like a woman?!"

 

A man near the rear of the plane unbuckles his safety belt, stands up, takes off his shirt and says, "here iron my shirt".

Edited May 16, 2015 by DrAnomalous

[PhillBellic]

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

 

 

A Carrot.

 

 

[Ari Gold]

Republicans

[PhillBellic]

Yay, I can post my new joke now. Here goes;

 

What do you get when you cross a Cow, with an Octopus?

 

 

 

A visit from the Ethics Department, and termination of your funding.

 

 

[Reformed Squid]

Did you hear about the two car pileup in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Cloudee

[Testarossa]

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

 

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

[Payne Killer]

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

 

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out and I was like O MG.

[iTRiP]

"iTRiP"

Once apon a time there was an sorcerer and his apprentice travelling by car to a space

shuttle launch, they had to cross the entire country to get there witch took several

days, on their last day before reaching their destination they get a flat tire and

some engine troubles from driving with the flat for too long in an deserted area.

"iTRiP"

So they pulled over next to a road leading to a farm house, it was dusk and they

knocked on the door of the head farm house, a super rich owner opened the door and

standing beside him was his daughter yet to be betrothed, she was the hottest, sexiest

maiden in all the land, when one looked at her certain things started to happen too you

if you where male, her hair, skin and eyes appeared too you according to your preferences.

"iTRiP"

The farm owner asked: can I perhaps help the lot of you, and the sorcerer answered on there

behalf, sure sir we got some car troubles and might need to stay for the night until our

tow truck arrives in the morning, the owner lowered his shotgun and let them in to join

at the dinner table, they feasted in the presence. When bed time came around the owner warned

the two travellers that he would shoot on sight if they attempted to get in with his daughter.

"iTRiP"

Couple of hours into the night, the sorcerer laying awake conjures up a plan with his apprentice

to deny the farm owner control over his beloved daughter, both now sneaking through the corridors

up to the second, third story of the mansion where they spot the maiden bathing. The sorcerer tells

his apprentice I will make an attempt first while you wait here and learn, skweeek,skweeek,skweeek

goes the wooden floor while closing in on the maiden, with a glass of wine in his hand, an offering

to the maiden he gets rudely interrupted by a warning shot from the owner one floor below: who goes

there? voice asks, the sorcerer being a master of deception alters his plan and voices a few sounds

resembling a cat, the owner turns back to his sleep, a couple of minutes later the apprentice makes

his attempt to close in on the maiden now grooming herself on the bed, with a gold diamond ring in

hand and his mind set on his goal, skweeek,skweeek,skweeek goes the wooden floor while closing

in on the maiden and he also gets rudely interrupted by yet another warning shot from the owner

one floor below: who goes there? even angrier voice asks, quickly retreating the apprentice tries to

copy his masters sorcerer's method while navigating the corridors back and voicing, it's just a cat,

it's just a cat!

Edited June 26, 2015 by iTRiP

[PhillBellic]

Did you guys hear about the Scarecrow that got promoted to the Supermarket? She was outstanding in her field.

 

*ba dum tss*

[Son of Zeus]

No censoring on Facebook.

No censoring on YouTube.

 

Censoring on GTAForums, a site dedicated to a 18+ game series.

 

 

Cheers.

[Mintal]

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar... he orders a drink.

[iTRiP]

"iTRiP"

Three friends are mountain climbing through the Himalayas, after a couple of days

they summit one of the peaks, while resting and such one finds a lamp, it turns out

to be an magic lamp.

 

A genie pops out and tells the three friends, I grant you each one wish for letting me

out and allowing me to grasp some air again, it must have been a million years since

this happened last, so to the power of an million to your wishes.

 

The friends agree, the genie replies: there are rules however to what you can

wish for: no friend may wish for what the other has wished for, no wishing

for love, no wishing for immortality and the last but important rule you

must jump of this mountain peak for the wish to take effect when you reach

the valley below where you will land in and be surrounded by what you wished.

 

First up is the alpha friend, he tells the genie: I wish for two wishes, jumps

down the mountain peak and shouts back up and millions of hamburgers.

 

Second up is the bravo team mate friend, he tells the genie: Sweet, jumps down

the mountain peak and shouts back up millions of drink and liquor.

 

Third up is the tagalong friend, he walks towards the genie...trips over a

rock, slips and looses his footing, falls down the mountain peak and shouts oh' sh*t!

 

"iTRiP"

Edited June 26, 2015 by iTRiP

[American Viking]

Barack Obuma's dictatorship.

[Fonz]

Barack Obuma's dictatorship.

Must be a very small place he runs, since I've never heard of Barack Obuma...

[American Viking]

 

Barack Obuma's dictatorship.

Must be a very small place he runs, since I've never heard of Barack Obuma...

 

The trolling just doesn't stop with you does it. I wont sit here wasting my time by defending everything I post from little bitches like yourself who want to act big on the internet. Any further replies from you to me on any topic will be ignored, and continued harassment will lead to me blocking you.

[Fonz]

 

 

Barack Obuma's dictatorship.

Must be a very small place he runs, since I've never heard of Barack Obuma...

 

The trolling just doesn't stop with you does it. I wont sit here wasting my time by defending everything I post from little bitches like yourself who want to act big on the internet. Any further replies from you to me on any topic will be ignored, and continued harassment will lead to me blocking you. Bruh, getting bitchy over small jokes is really beta. Also, saying "yourself" when you mean "you" makes you sound like a pretentious buffoon.

[The Dedito Gae]

Conservatives getting butthurt.

Edited June 27, 2015 by Midnight Hitman

[American Viking]

Go ahead and lock my account, may as well, seeing as you f*cking moderators target people who don't post what you like...kind of what happened to Cowboy. I'm not gonna sit here and fight back against you liberal morons and f*cking trolls. G'day.

[Ducard]

Go ahead and lock my account, may as well, seeing as you f*cking moderators target people who don't post what you like...kind of what happened to Cowboy. I'm not gonna sit here and fight back against you liberal morons and f*cking trolls. G'day.

Oh look another butthurt IV fanboy. Not surprised.

[Niko Montana]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband writes "mypenis", and the wife falls to the ground laughing because on the screen it says "error. not long enough"

Edited June 27, 2015 by thedriver111

[mr quick]

ok guys are u ready for the joke

 

http://gtaforums.com/user/959223-american-alpha/

[Niko Montana]

Have you heard of the movie Constipation?

 

 

It hasn't come out yet

 

 

[Son of Zeus]

An atheist is walking through a jungle when Bigfoot suddenly rushes towards him.

 

Atheist yells: "Oh god save me!!!"

 

A voice rumbles from the sky: "I thought you didn't believe in me".

 

Atheist: "Well, until now I didn't believe in Bigfoot either".

Edited June 27, 2015 by Son of Zeus

[The Dedito Gae]

Go ahead and lock my account, may as well, seeing as you f*cking moderators target people who don't post what you like...kind of what happened to Cowboy. I'm not gonna sit here and fight back against you liberal morons and f*cking trolls. G'day.

this made me laugh, specially the part of your account getting locked.

[Mr. Tibbs]

Englishman applies for a job with South African police. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six n*ggers and a rabbit."

Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

The F.B.I. sends an agent to South Africa to learn how the police there stop riots. The South African Police General takes him to a township disturbance where the police fire tear gas grenades at the black mob. The mob runs away a few blocks, regroups, and comes rushing back at the police. Then the cops open up on them with powerful fire hoses, sending the rioters spinning down the street like soccer balls. They regroup and come charging back again, only to be met with squads of German Shepherd attack dogs. They bite the rioters so full of holes that they run like hell and don't come back. "Very impressive," says the F.B.I. agent, "But let me ask you; since the dogs were so effective, why not just use them first?" "Ah, you don't understand," said the Police general, "The n*ggers down here smell so bad, first we have to fumigate them and rinse them off before our dogs will touch them."

If you're gonna complain about the jokes, try and form an argument instead of saying "You hurt my feelings so you must be censored!"

Edited June 28, 2015 by Mr. Tibbs