The Joke Thread

[9i OTD]

This man;

 

 

Enough said.

Damn monkey-man Abbott.

[Potato_Smuggler]

 

This man;

 

 

Enough said.

Damn monkey-man Abbott.That's racist! !

[9i OTD]

How did the intruder break into the house?

 

In tru der window

 

[RavingWithJesus]

A guy driving on the highway gets pulled over by a traffic cop. The policeman approaches the car and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" The man snorts and replies, "Why, is there a fat chick in my car?"

[9i OTD]

 

 

This man;

 

Enough said.

Damn monkey-man Abbott.

That's racist! ! How

What is 'ET' short for?

 

Because he has little legs

 

[Potato_Smuggler]

 

 

 

This man;

 

Enough said.

Damn monkey-man Abbott.

That's racist! ! How

What is 'ET' short for?

 

Because he has little legs

 

I don't how it's racist, but you asking how makes its racist makes sexist! Some people. SMH.

JK

[universetwisters]

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac?

A Cadillac is larger and heavier.

 

[TECHN9CiAN]

I was sitting on the bus this morning, opposite of a really sexy Thai girl.

 

I thought to myself "please dont get an erection. Pleae dont get an erection".

 

But she did.

[GTA_stu]

Damn that Medusa is so hot.

 

Every time I look at her I get rock hard.

[TECHN9CiAN]

Damn that Medusa is so hot.

 

Every time I look at her I get rock hard.

Whoa, that quote has all you need for a good pick up line

[RavingWithJesus]

A woman goes to a sex shop to try to spice up her love life with her husband. The proprietor offers her a Couples Sex Guide: Female Edition for $10 and a Couples Sex Guide: Male Edition for $5.

"What's the difference?" the woman asks, puzzled.

"They are identical," he replies, "Except that the male edition suddenly finishes just when it starts getting good."

[lil weasel]

Friend: Hi, how's things going.

Host: Fine, Fine.

Friend: What's with the tarp in corner.

Host: Oh, that's Ralph.

Friend: Why is he under the tarp.

Host: He said,

he wouldn't be seen dead in here.

 

Edited January 24, 2015 by lil weasel

[Melech]

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."

 

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Erich Honecker is on a diplomatic mission in Austria. Various government ministers of the GDR and Austria are introduced. Finally, a man is introduced as the Minister of the Austrian Navy. Honecker bursts out laughing: "But you have no coastline!" The Austrians are offended. "We were very polite when the GDR's Minister of Trade was introduced!"

 

Erich Honecker dies and knocks on the Heaven Gates. God tells him to go to hell. One year later, two devils show up and knock. “You’d better go back where you came from,” God tells them. “No, you don’t understand,” they protest. “We’re the first refugees!”

 

Erich Honecker receives a gold watch for his birthday that he is very fond of. He even keeps it under his pillow when he goes to bed. One day, while at the office, Erich realizes that he is missing his watch. In a panic, he calls Erich Mielke (the head of the Stasi) and tells him that someone has stolen his watch. Later, he realizes he left it under his pillow, and being relieved, calls Mielke to tell him to cancel the investigation. Mielke responds "Too late, we've arrested three suspects and they've confessed everything!"

[Zook]

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Erich Honecker is on a diplomatic mission in Austria. Various government ministers of the GDR and Austria are introduced. Finally, a man is introduced as the Minister of the Austrian Navy. Honecker bursts out laughing: "But you have no coastline!" The Austrians are offended. "We were very polite when the GDR's Minister of Trade was introduced!"

 

Erich Honecker dies and knocks on the Heaven Gates. God tells him to go to hell. One year later, two devils show up and knock. “You’d better go back where you came from,” God tells them. “No, you don’t understand,” they protest. “We’re the first refugees!”

 

Erich Honecker receives a gold watch for his birthday that he is very fond of. He even keeps it under his pillow when he goes to bed. One day, while at the office, Erich realizes that he is missing his watch. In a panic, he calls Erich Mielke (the head of the Stasi) and tells him that someone has stolen his watch. Later, he realizes he left it under his pillow, and being relieved, calls Mielke to tell him to cancel the investigation. Mielke responds "Too late, we've arrested three suspects and they've confessed everything!"

Why do you feel the need to push your political ideology every chance you get? Those jokes are so sh*t; if you need to link to a Wikipedia article and make use of brackets to help explain the joke, it is not a good joke.

 

I've recently discovered Anthony Jeselnik he is too funny.

 

I just read the biography of the man who invented Super Mario Brothers. Did you know when he was a kid people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer.

 

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was younger. And I could just have his motorcycle.

 

The jokes above don't really do him justice, his delivery makes it much funnier.

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2015 by Zook

[richard1997jones]

a man walks into a bar, and asks for some helicopter crisps.

'Sorry', the bartender replys, 'we only have plane'

Haha. I like that one.

[Ai®a©ob®a]

What did the one woman say to the other?

 

 

Nothing

 

[Melech]

Why do you feel the need to push your political ideology every chance you get? Those jokes are so sh*t; if you need to link to a Wikipedia article and make use of brackets to help explain the joke, it is not a good joke.

 

I'm not pushing my political ideology, these are just some JOKES! Don't you have sense of humor? This is humor, not politics. Just laugh.

 

Sorry, I am not to blame for the fact that this world is full of ignorants who don't know who Erich Honecker and/or Erich Mielke were.

[BrownBear]

I've been learning Israeli martial arts, I now know 50 ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back.

[lil weasel]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Southern Baptist walk into a bar.

 

They should have paid more attention to where they were going on the construction site

 

[Zook]

 

Why do you feel the need to push your political ideology every chance you get? Those jokes are so sh*t; if you need to link to a Wikipedia article and make use of brackets to help explain the joke, it is not a good joke.

 

I'm not pushing my political ideology, these are just some JOKES! Don't you have sense of humor? This is humor, not politics. Just laugh.

 

Sorry, I am not to blame for the fact that this world is full of ignorants who don't know who Erich Honecker and/or Erich Mielke were.

 

Could you explain the Marx one to me? It's either not a joke or I'm just really dense and don't understand it.

 

You need to know your audience that joke might go down well at a 20th century historian convention, but not on a forum dedicated to Grand Theft Auto.

[Gay Tony]

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[universetwisters]

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porcupine?

Pricks are located outside the Porcupine.

[Eminem!]

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Edited February 1, 2015 by Eminem!

[MyName'sJeff]

Who did T-Mobile use as a spokesperson in their latest ad? Kim Kardashian.

[Fonz]

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

He stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Edited February 1, 2015 by Black_MiD

[Potato_Smuggler]

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

 

He stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Good one

[Gay Tony]

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

[Potato_Smuggler]

Here's a joke

 

Justin Bieber isn't a girl

 

Badumtss

New James Bond parody...moonraper

[Fonz]

Here's a joke

 

Justin Bieber isn't a girl

 

Badumtss

New James Bond parody...moonraper

Starring Bram Stroke-her as James Bond and Henry MilkHer as Mr. RIch O'Round.

[t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m]

My life.