The Joke Thread

[lil weasel]

Traveling Salesman goes to the farm house door and knocks.

The Door opens and a 10 year old boy is standing there, wealing a bra, panties, smoking a cigar and drinking whiskey.

The Salesman is flabbergasted, but he says, "Are your parents home?"

The Boy replies,

"What the <> do you think..."

 

[Sunrise Driver]

My brother phoned me, and said his wife had given birth to a boy, and they'd named him Nelson, after Nelson Mandela.

 

- Why's that, is he black? - I laughed

- No mate, he's dead.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Street Mix

[Gnocchi Flip Flops]

Mlas: Dad, I want to piss, is there any toilet?Dad: Yes my daughter, there is a toilet, but the toilet is for manMlas: No problemAfter a while, Mlas running and hug dad with cryingDad: Why you crying? Mlas: Dad, after I go to toilet, there are 1 man and he suck my pussy and f*ck me! Dad: Where is he!! I want to stomp his dick!! Mlas: He now in police station dad, I have calling police and now he arrested by policeDad: Phew....After 5 days....Dad: OMG!!!! Dad: You pregnant???!!Mlas: Ah sh*t, why I go to man toilet just because want to piss!!Dad: Nooooooooo!!!!!!Baby: Oeekkk Oeeeekkkk!!!THE END

I genuinely lol'd!

[Potato_Smuggler]

I remember when I first played GTA. I kidnapped a disabled child, murdered a jew, killed some cops.

 

Then I went home to play GTA.

[make total destroy]

What do anarchists and Anonymous have in common?

 

They both hate Windows.

 

[Sunrise Driver]

A Russian boy asks his father: "Papa, can I have five roubles please?"

The father answers: "Twenty roubles? What do you need fifty roubles for?"

[lil weasel]

What did the O say to the 8?

 

"That is a nice belt."

 

[TECHN9CiAN]

Here's some good ol' christmas cheer jokes

 

 

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.

-----

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied "No, you sick f*ck. I'll be putting it up in my living room".

------

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says "A f*ckING swingset!" Santa says "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says "A f*ckING sandbox for the side yard!" Santa says "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says "I want a f*ckING trampoline in the front yard".

 

Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune!"

 

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.

 

His father says "What's wrong, son?" The kid says "Santa brought me a f*ckING dog, but I can't find him...?"

[universetwisters]

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink.

 

 

And happy new years.

[161isaiah161]

What did the facist say when he walked into a b.a.r?

 

 

 

Nothing

 

He just died

Edited December 31, 2014 by Jeone

[Fonz]

How many Mexicans does it take to mow a lawn?

Only Juan…

Edited December 31, 2014 by Black_MiD

[Potato_Smuggler]

How many Mexicans does it take to mow a lawn?

 

Only Juan

I'm hispanic, and I find that hilarious.

[Fonz]

 

How many Mexicans does it take to mow a lawn?

 

Only Juan

I'm hispanic, and I find that hilarious.

 

Glad you're a sport about it, man

[Potato_Smuggler]

 

 

 

How many Mexicans does it take to mow a lawn?

 

Only Juan

I'm hispanic, and I find that hilarious.

 

Glad you're a sport about it, man what's lame about Mexican and black jokes. Once you've heard one, you heard jamal.

My grandmother sent me a valentine's day card. How crazy I that? We stopped having sex years ago!!

[Fonz]

I was going down on a chick yesterday, and suddenly I felt the taste of horse semen, so I told her, "OH, so THAT's how you died, grandma!"
@P_Smuggler I've apparently reached my quota of positive votes for today

Edited December 31, 2014 by Black_MiD

[TECHN9CiAN]

 

 

 

 

How many Mexicans does it take to mow a lawn?

 

Only Juan

I'm hispanic, and I find that hilarious.

 

Glad you're a sport about it, man what's lame about Mexican and black jokes. Once you've heard one, you heard jamal.

My grandmother sent me a valentine's day card. How crazy I that? We stopped having sex years ago!!

Its once you heard juan, you heard jamal.

[make total destroy]

Two anarchists are sitting together making molotov cocktails. The one turns to the other and asks "Where should we throw these?". The other snaps back "what are you, a f*cking intellectual?"

 

[Potato_Smuggler]

I was going down on a chick yesterday, and suddenly I felt the taste of horse semen, so I told her, "OH, so THAT's how you died, grandma!"

@P_Smuggler I've apparently reached my quota of positive votes for today

No problem with that

[Potato_Smuggler]

Note: I'm not racist.

 

A black man walks into a petrol station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!"

 

The cashier says, "But you haven't got a gun!"

 

The black man says, sorry, force of habit.

__________________________________________

Walmart:Save money.Live better.

 

 

They might want to lose the 2nd part of that slogan now that toddlers are known to kill their mothers there.

Edited January 1, 2015 by Potato_Smuggler

[Fonz]

^Damn… that… ouch! Good one
Yeah, I'm not racist, either. I even have some black people in my family tree… At least I think they're still hanging there
(just joking, of course)

Edited January 1, 2015 by Black_MiD

[Potato_Smuggler]

^Damn that ouch! Good one

Yeah, I'm not racist, either. I even have some black people in my family tree At least I think they're still hanging there

(just joking, of course)

I am crying right now, I cannot breathe. Too funny:)

[Danz.]

Two women sat togheter quietly.

[Potato_Smuggler]

My wife is 23, and I'm 35. Today, people called me a pedophile, and harassed me. It ruined our 10 year anniversary.

 

 

Today, my wife came out of the closet. I forgot her body was still in there.

 

 

I have the body of a young model, but it's starting to spoil in the freezer.

My sister cat died today, and she said she needed another one. Why would she 2 ant another dead cat?

 

 

I'm not sexist. Sexism is wrong, and being wrong is for women.

 

 

I'm not racist, because racism is a crime and crime is for back people.

 

 

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a pretty big word for an 8 year old.

[Sunrise Driver]

I've drawn a cartoon picture of Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un.

Let's see where this goes.

[TECHN9CiAN]

I've drawn a cartoon picture of Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un.

 

Let's see where this goes.

Publish that sh*t!

[HeroBrineR007]

Peter sees Frank and asks. How old are you?

 

And i forgot the rest.

 

End of the joke

[Gnocchi Flip Flops]

http://www.reddit.com/r/misophonia/comments/2edex5/i_am_going_to_kill_myself_soon/

 

This is the dumbest sh*t I've read in my life. I hope the OP was joking.

[lil weasel]

A Connecticut man left the snow-filled streets of New Haven for a vacation in Florida. His wife, on a business trip, was to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when entering the address, he missed one letter. So,his note went instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had just died the day before. When the widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, gave out a piercing scream, and fainted. At the thud, the other members of the family rushed into the room. They saw the note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

Edited January 13, 2015 by lil weasel

[PhillBellic]

This man;

 

 

Enough said.

[Fonz]

^What's up with his jaw?