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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Gamernotnerd

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

 

After a few seconds, A kid stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid?"

 

"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

heard that a long time back.......... bored.gif

Criticizing someone's humor?

 

That's f*cking rich coming from you, Eeshan.

This is the jokes topic. sarcasm.gif

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Nikofan112

A man is lying in a hospital bed, with a condition that gives him horrible incontinence. One day, he has not used his bed-pan at all, so he thinks he's cured. He removes his bed pan, but at that moment, he goes. He tries to dispose of the soiled sheets bey throwing them out the window. But, they cover a passing drunk, who quickly throws them off. The man above yells to the man below "Are you okay?" and the drunk replies "Yeah, but I think I just kicked the crap out of a ghost."

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H4milton

i think this one will be the best in this thread::

Wife read a book and tells her husband, a bull f*cks 300 times a year. You don't do quarter of that.

Husband: Does the book say the bull f*cks the same cow?

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Quick Stop
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

 

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

 

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Thats the best eeshan joke i have ever heard. I actually laughed.

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Girish
i think this one will be the best in this thread::

Wife read a book and tells her husband, a bull f*cks 300 times a year. You don't do quarter of that.

Husband: Does the book say the bull f*cks the same cow?

I have heard that joke like 300 times now; once every time the bull f*cked.

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H4milton
i think this one will be the best in this thread::

Wife read a book and tells her husband, a bull f*cks 300 times a year. You don't do quarter of that.

Husband: Does the book say the bull f*cks the same cow?

I have heard that joke like 300 times now; once every time the bull f*cked.

lol............some ppl knw some jokes..........

 

here's onother::

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

 

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

 

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

 

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'

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PacMaan

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "Aw man you won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. So I untied her, then we had sex over and over again in every position!!"

 

His friend replies, "Woah thats f*ckin awesome! Did you get a blowjob?"

 

"Nah, I couldn't find her head."

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Effy in Chains

I got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that?

We stopped having sex years ago.

 

I wanted to get my girlfriend a really special gift for Valentines' Day.

She was really happy when I got her a new Barbie doll.

 

Valentine's Day is weird. It's the one day of the year where you get anonymous mail from a stranger basically saying "I'd like to f*ck you", and you go "awwww"

 

Some people find Valentines day to be such an expensive day. Not me. I usually take my girlfriend for a happy meal, then its off to the park for a play on the swings, then when she's had enough we go home and watch Bob the Builder DVDs until she is tired enough for me to put her in bed and slip it up the wrong 'un. I'm not a paedophile, she's just a retard.

 

 

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Doink

 

A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong.

I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here:

 

Kids, never share your hash with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.

Yeah, Conan O'Brien is pretty much the greatest man. Ever.

 

 

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860

 

A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong.

I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here:

 

Kids, never share your hash with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.

Yeah, Conan O'Brien is pretty much the greatest man. Ever.

and he looks like our president and doesnt afraid of anything

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Fnorg

 

A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong.

I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here:

 

Kids, never share your hash with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.

Yeah, Conan O'Brien is pretty much the greatest man. Ever.

and he looks like our president and doesnt afraid of anything

user posted image

 

lol

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cacarla

The conversation at a disco:

 

Boy: Hey, can i dance with you?

Girl: I don't dance with a kid....

 

Boy: I'm sorry, i didn't know you were pregnant..

-----------

 

Mary: John thinks i'm pretty, whereas Andrew says i'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: I think you're pretty ugly..

 

---------

Teacher: Sam, be honest, do you say prayers before your meal?

Sam: No teacher, my mom is a good cook.

 

--------

Teacher: Can you give me an example of Coincidence?

Robert: Sir, my mom and dad got married on the same day and same time. smile.gif

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GtaHitmanStrikesBack

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says why the long face

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H4milton

 

The conversation at a disco:

 

Boy: Hey, can i dance with you?

Girl: I don't dance with a kid....

 

Boy: I'm sorry, i didn't know you were pregnant..

-----------

 

Mary: John thinks i'm pretty, whereas Andrew says i'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: I think you're pretty ugly..

 

---------

Teacher: Sam, be honest, do you say prayers before your meal?

Sam: No teacher, my mom is a good cook.

 

--------

Teacher: Can you give me an example of Coincidence?

Robert: Sir, my mom and dad got married on the same day and same time. smile.gif

Lol.......nice ones..........keep em coming fellas.....tounge.gif

 

 

Here's Mine:

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

Edited by Eeshan

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hmvartak

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

 

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

 

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

 

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

 

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

 

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

 

^

 

^

 

^

 

^

 

^

 

^

 

^

 

 

He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

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Skimask101

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the table. So the bartender asks him:

 

"What's wrong buddy?"

 

So the man says:

 

"Well I lost my job, my wife, my house, my car and I'm nearly bankrupt.!"

 

"Well I got something here to cheer you up." The bartender said

 

The bartender pulls out a twelve inch man with a piano. The little man starts to play the piano and the man says

 

"Wow! Where'd you get that!"

 

So the bartender says

 

"Well I have this magic bottle, with genie in it and he'll grant you one wish."

 

So the man grabs the bottle, rubs it and out comes the genie.

 

"What is your wish?" The genie asked

 

"I wish I had a million bucks!" The man said

 

And out come a million ducks pouring into the bar and the man says

 

"Wait! I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

 

So the bartender says

 

"Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

 

 

 

 

Funny if you say it out loud.

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Don Garcia aka NjNakedSnake
Mary: John thinks i'm pretty, whereas Andrew says i'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: I think you're pretty ugly..

I envision two guys cheesily high-fiving each other after that.

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Mark

 

Alfie Patten is more mature than he's given credit for.

 

He's 13 coming on 15.

 

 

 

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

 

 

 

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

 

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

 

 

 

When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.

 

Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.

 

 

 

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

 

 

 

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.

 

 

 

What's the difference between Pope John Paul II and Maddie McCann?

 

The Pope died a virgin.

 

 

That's me done for today.

 

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Effy in Chains

 

When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.

 

Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.

Awesome jokes Mark, that one in particular had me in stitches. Although in reality it's only safe to hit a child in Oman, where the age of consent is 9. ph34r.gif

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hmvartak

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

 

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

 

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

 

 

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

 

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

 

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

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muscularmatt

some of you guys are right sick c*nts, your constant quest for more and more

shocks shows your stupidity and inability to construct a decent joke.

 

infact you made me so mad, im not gonna tell you my jokes

 

and there WELL funny

 

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EaStSiDe SoUlJa

Idiot.

Edited by Waddy

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H4milton

 

<span class="spoiler" onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF';" onmouseout="this.style.color=this.style.backgroundColor='#000000'">gfdsgfdsgfdnhj fewrhjiogjfidov kwegvdf vnghefjghjdfbvnbmngrjknvfdm,avncxm,z vfweoitu43tkfdlsjgvklavnfcmbngjkkld

this is the joke topic, not the Spam topic..... tounge.gif

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Ottae
<span class="spoiler" onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF';" onmouseout="this.style.color=this.style.backgroundColor='#000000'">gfdsgfdsgfdnhj fewrhjiogjfidov kwegvdf vnghefjghjdfbvnbmngrjknvfdm,avncxm,z vfweoitu43tkfdlsjgvklavnfcmbngjkkld

this is the joke topic, not the Spam topic..... tounge.gif

http://www.gtaforums.com/index.php?showtopic=169117

 

sly.gif

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K^2

Don't you essentially break that rule by quoting a post that quoted the spammer?

 

Anyways...

 

Man walks into a bar with a small monkey. While the man has his drinks, monkey runs about the bar, gets onto a pool table, and eats one of the billiards.

 

"I'm sorry," says the man. "That monkey eats anything it can fit in its mouth. I'll pay for the billiard."

 

Some time later that man comes to the bar again. The monkey is acting much the same. At some point it takes a cherry out of someone's drink, sticks it in its ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

"What was that all about?" asks the barman.

 

"Well, it still eats anything it can fit in its mouth, but after the incident with the billiard, it checks the size first."

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hmvartak

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek

 

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......... ..He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... ..

 

Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...

 

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

 

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .

 

Einstein says " newton's out..newton's out....."

 

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"

 

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

 

 

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared..... . One Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!

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Hayden
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek

 

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......... ..He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... ..

 

Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...

 

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

 

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .

 

Einstein says " newton's out..newton's out....."

 

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"

 

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

 

 

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared..... . One Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!

Nice.

 

A Jew a Chinaman and a clown walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the f*ck out."

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silvermanblue

Oldie but goody

 

Ok A minister and his family live in a small town along the Mississippi river.

Its one of those picturesque Midwest town that people from the city go crazy for.

One spring the snow and ice melt are accelerated by a warm spell. And the river is already past flood stage. The minister, a strong believer in blind faith and tells his family that there is nothing to worry about, god wont destroy there house.

 

The next morning the minister is woken up by his wife, apparently while they were sleeping the river had risen and was now in fact lapping at the top stair. The minister now begins to think he needs to atone to some sin. So he tells his family that they will hold out in the house as long as possible, its gods will.

 

By noon the water had forced the family to the attic, then by two they moved out on to the roof tru a window. They were now on the roof. About 245 when the water had taken up more than half of the roof, a neighbor with a canoe rows to the ministers waterlogged house.

The neighbor then asks the family if they need any help.

The minster responds by saying that god will save them.

The neighbor getting frustrated moves on another house and then disappears.

 

A little past four a local fire departments boat motors up to the houses roof, which is now three quarters under water. The fire fighters plead with the delusional Minister for about 10 minutes, then they to move along, thinking they can come back and grab them later.

 

Its now after 6 and the water almost covers the whole roof, the ministers wife and his children are crying and praying, at that moment a national guard helicopter appears and yells over a PA system that they are there to rescue them. The priest reassures the family that god will scoop them up any second. The helicopter leaves to get more fuel...

Shortly after the chopper leaves the house become completely inundated and the family drowns.

 

The family appears at St. Peters pearly gates. The minister is confused, but St. Peter lets them in to heaven. The priest then goes and talks to god.

Why didnt you save us lord?

God responds by saying...

Well I sent two boats and a helicopter, why didnt you use those.

The minister gazes off for a minute or two.

Crap.....

 

 

 

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K^2
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven...

Einstein dies, goes to heaven. Upon meeting God, he asks God to explain how the universe works. God takes out a chalkboard and begins to write equations. A few equations in, Einstein speaks, "Excuse me, but there seems to be an error in one of these." God replies, "I know..."

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PacMaan

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.

I plan on dressing up in a clown wig, make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.

I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm, and - while in the bank - I'm going to f*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a sh*t on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

 

Let's see Crimewatch f*cking stage a reconstruction of that.

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