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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

DeeperRed
In the case of paper and whatnot, it's stationery.

 

Wheras to remain still is stationary.

I kept it Stationary because also the store is physically stationary....... moto_whistle.gif

 

Ok I thought they were both spelt the same way

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Ja750

A man with no arms entered a masturbation contest... poor bastard didn't come anywhere! turn.gif

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Little sam asked his dad for a bike for his birthday. He said "No son, the mortgage is 80k and your mummy has just lost her job" next day sam walked out with his suitcase packed. His dad asked "where are you going son" Sam replyed "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you say to mum that your were pulling out, she said to wait because she was coming too... and i'm not staying here on my own with a 80k mortgage and no f*cking bike."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Pensioner at a bus was staring at a punk rocker standing next to him. Punk had spiked orange, green and blue hair. Punk said "What you looking at grandad, Havent you done anything wild?" Pensioner replyed, "Yes, i once f*cked a parrot and i was wondering if you were my son!"

 

 

 

ph34r.gif

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xTheTruth23x

a husband is helping his wife set a password on her computer, he types in MYPENIS..

and then she died of laughter when the screen said "sorry not long enough...."

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H4milton
a husband is helping his wife set a password on her computer, he types in MYPENIS..

and then she died of laughter when the screen said "sorry not long enough...."

omg omg omg omg hahahahaha.......lmao lmao.......

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SaintJimmy

A dyslexic man decides to rob a bank.

He walks in, guns blazing, firing at the roof. He screams,

'Everyone get the stick down, this is a f*ck up!'

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H4milton

 

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

 

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

 

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

 

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

 

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"

 

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”

 

The nurse asks, "Why?"

 

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

 

EDIT>>2nd one: biggrin.gifbiggrin.gif

 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

 

EDIT>>3rd ONE biggrin.gif:Dbiggrin.gif

 

A woman goes to a doctor and says "What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says "your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The woman says "Yeah but he fingered me first!"

Edited by Eeshan

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Maxrevv

Doctor: So whats the problem with you today?

Patient: I cant sleep properly.

Doctor: Why? Did u try to count the sheeps before you sleep?

Patient. I did....but I counted until 6 a.m in the morning

 

biggrin.gif

 

 

Edit:

One day,a man his "Talking puppet" is telling the audience about blonde jokes. Then one blond stood up and went front. She yelled, "How could you make fun od such people? Dont u have any moral values?!"The man says "I'm sorry,I didnt mean it that way. The blond say "Dont u dare defend him! Im talking to that little guy on your lap! Shame on you,mister (talking to the lifeless puppet)

 

sly.gif

Edited by maxrevv

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1ManArmy
Doctor: So whats the problem with you today?

Patient: I cant sleep properly.

Doctor: Why? Did u try to count the sheeps before you sleep?

Patient. I did....but I counted until 6 a.m in the morning

 

biggrin.gif

Wait a second... so where's the joke? bored.gif

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Maxrevv

Explanation: The man cant sleep properly. So he goes to the doctor to ask whats wrong with him. When the doctor asks him did he count the sheeps before he sleeps,he said he did but then counted until 6 a.m in the morning (rather than counting the sheeps until he sleeps)

 

-_________________-

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1ManArmy

 

Explanation: The man cant sleep properly. So he goes to the doctor to ask whats wrong with him. When the doctor asks him did he count the sheeps before he sleeps,he said he did but then counted until 6 a.m in the morning (rather than counting the sheeps until he sleeps)

 

-_________________-

But if by counting sheeps made him sleep, wouldn't it defeat the purpose of visiting the doctor? Lol, now I get it. He counted to 6 in the morning! Geddit? Geddit?

 

Did you make the joke up yourself or got it off the internet? Nice try anyway, no hard feelings a'ight?... Just wondering if i'm really that slow because I just woke up or not.... suicidal.gif

Edited by 1ManArmy

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Maxrevv

Hahaha..its okay..not all people will relate to a joke. Some joke left me dead on the tracks too. I got it off from a book. I'll post more jokes later. smile.gif

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PacMaan

Tough room lol.gif

 

 

A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong.

I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here:

 

Kids, never share your hash with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.

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H4milton

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

 

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

 

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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Ultraussie

A buddist walks up to hot dog vendor and says:

"I want one with everything".

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A retired man moves near a primary school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every metal fence can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

 

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the fence.

 

After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the fences." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

 

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Pension yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"

 

"25?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit.".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

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H4milton
A buddist walks up to hot dog vendor and says:

"I want one with everything".

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A retired man moves near a primary school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every metal fence can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

 

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the fence.

 

After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the fences." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

 

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Pension yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"

 

"25?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit.".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's a BUDDHIST not Buddist.......... notify.gifnotify.gif

 

and, is the 2nd one a JOKE cry.gifnotify.gifnotify.gif

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anuj
A buddist walks up to hot dog vendor and says:

"I want one with everything".

I think the punchline goes "make me one with everything".

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makeshyft
A buddist walks up to hot dog vendor and says:

"I want one with everything".

I think the punchline goes "make me one with everything".

Well, that would make a lot more sense. As in, it would actually be funny. Kinda.

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Ultraussie
A buddist walks up to hot dog vendor and says:

"I want one with everything".

I think the punchline goes "make me one with everything".

Oh thats right I wrote it up the wrong way oooopps.....

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

 

After a few seconds, A kid stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid?"

 

"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.

 

Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

 

Jon says, "I'd be half blind."

 

"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"

 

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.

 

The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

 

Dan says, "I'd be half blind."

 

The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"

 

"I'd be completely blind."

 

"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

 

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

 

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

 

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

 

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.

The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?"

Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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H4milton

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

 

After a few seconds, A kid stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid?"

 

"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

heard that a long time back.......... bored.gif

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Runey

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

 

After a few seconds, A kid stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid?"

 

"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

heard that a long time back.......... bored.gif

Criticizing someone's humor?

 

That's f*cking rich coming from you, Eeshan.

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Pat

Why didn't Hellen Keller get into Heaven?

She couldn't see the light.

 

How did Hellen Keller meet her husband?

A blind date.

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Runey
Why didn't Hellen Keller get into Heaven?

She couldn't see the light.

 

How did Hellen Keller meet her husband?

A blind date.

Wasn't that Anne Frank?

 

The deaf, dumb and blind girl?

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makeshyft
Why didn't Hellen Keller get into Heaven?

She couldn't see the light.

 

How did Hellen Keller meet her husband?

A blind date.

Wasn't that Anne Frank?

 

The deaf, dumb and blind girl?

Funny... joke?

 

Anne Frank hid from the Nazis in an attic.

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Runey

 

Why didn't Hellen Keller get into Heaven?

She couldn't see the light.

 

How did Hellen Keller meet her husband?

A blind date.

Wasn't that Anne Frank?

 

The deaf, dumb and blind girl?

Funny... joke?

 

Anne Frank hid from the Nazis in an attic.

I know, I took it from....

 

 

Edited by Runey.

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makeshyft
I know, I took it from....

 

video

Heh, yeah I assumed you weren't being serious. I've not seen that film, though, so didn't get the reference.

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SaintJimmy
I know, I took it from....

 

video

Heh, yeah I assumed you weren't being serious. I've not seen that film, though, so didn't get the reference.

Well you must be as blind as Anne Frank, because that's a pretty damn good movie.

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PacMaan

Continental Airlines - delivering passengers straight to your front door

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Sanjeem

what do you call a sleeping fish?

A kipper! booyacasha! you get it! eh comon lads asa good one that is.

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Seachmall

What's the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?

 

A waste bin.

 

 

 

smile.gif

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QwertyAAA
What's the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?

 

A waste bin.

 

 

 

smile.gif

How true.

 

 

Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

For them, the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

 

 

 

To whoever has posted the Make Me One With Everything joke: Been reading Pratchett?

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