The Joke Thread

[nerner]

Dear Matt Groening

 

I was just wondering why you give your characters two fewer fingers than humans.

 

Tom age 9

Norfolk,

UK

 

I was attacked by some little ginger boy doing martial arts, it turned out to be the carroty kid!

 

Snakes. They're like bits of rope, only angrier.

 

Saying guns don't kill people, bullets do! Is like me saying "I've never raped anyone, but my penis has!"

 

After a recent survey, researchers found that almost 98% of all rape victims in Wales are called Shaun.

[macorules94]

What do Australia and McDonalds have in common?

 

They're both run by red head clowns !!

[Robinski]

A White Horse walks into a bar and asks the barman what they've got in.

 

"Oh, we've got lots of beers and ciders, vodka, gin, wine and whisky... actually, we've got a whisky named after you as it happens."

 

"What? Eric?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Headline: "Man hospitalised after inserting 6 toy horses in his anus"

Doctors have described his situation as stable.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Robinski

[nerner]

I see Virgin 1 has changed its name to Channel One. I guess Sky just raped the sh*t out of it then.

 

BBC News: 'Plus size women worth £10bn to the fashion industry'

Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...

 

I love to shave with a new razor. It reminds me of making love to a beautiful woman for the first time. All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding something sharp.

[UNRATED69]

 

Three brothers go downstarts and sit at the table. Their mother askes the oldest what he would like for breakfast. He replies "I'll have some f*cking french toast. His mother is appaled at his language, and send him to his room. She asks the second oldest what he wants for breakfast. He says "I guess there's more f*cking french toast for me!" He is also sent to his room. The mother asks her youngest son what he wants for breakfast. He answers "I don't know, but I definently don't want the f*cking french toast!"

 

 

A woman walks into an ice cream shop. She approaches the counter and says "I'll have a scoop of chocolate, please." The clerks says "I'm sorry, but we're all out of chocolate." The woman replies "Okay, I guess I'll have the chocolate then." The clerk, confused, repeats "I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't have any chocolate." The woman says "Sorry about that. I'll just have chocolate instead." The clerk is getting frustrated. He says "Look lady, spell van as in vanilla." The woman responds "V-A-N" The clerk says "Okay, now spell straw as in strawberry." The woman confidently says "S-T-R-A-W, straw." The clerk says "Great! Now spell f*ck as in chocolate." The woman, puzzled, says "But there is no f*ck in chocolate." The clerk screams "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

 

 

A man walks into a bar on the 5th story of a building and orders a beer. After he has been there a while, another man walks in, orders a scotch, chugs it all, and jumps out the window. The first man is shocked at this sight. But he is even more amazed to see the man walk in through the front door, completely unharmed. He askes the man how he did it. The man replies "It's magic scotch. Drink it, and you'll live forever!" The first man orders a scotch, chugs it, and jumps out the window. He falls 5 stories to his death. The bartender walks over to the second man and says "Ya know, you sure are an asshole when you get drunk Superman."

[sminem]

kinda a racist joke if your Mexican don't read.

 

What do you call a Mexican on a riding lawnmower?

 

Promoted!

 

Okay here's one more.

 

What's the most confusing say in Harlem?

 

Father's day

[Oddsock]

A backwater country fellow likes his life but he wants to get more education, so he goes to his local community college/university. He's speaking with an advisor who tells him he might like the class on Logic.

 

"Logic?" he says. "What's that?"

"It's a calculated way of thinking to come to a rectified conclusion." she responds.

"I don't really get it," he says, scratching his head.

"Well let me give you an example: Do you own a weed whacker?" she asks.

"Well yes ma'am, I do."

"Well then, from that I can guess you have a lawn, correct?"

"Yes ma'am I do."

"In that case you have a house?"

"Yes ma'am that's true too!"

"If you have a house you probably have a family don't you?"

"Yes ma'am I've got a wonderful wife and two strapping young boys!"

"So from that I can ascertain that you're a heterosexual male, correct?"

"Absolutely! Golly ma'am, I like this class a lot, sign me up!"

 

A few weeks later the fellow is talking with his friend about college and his class on Logic comes up.

 

"Logic? What's that?" his friend asks.

"Well, it's a calculated way of thinking to come to a rectified conclusion."

His buddy scratches his head. "I don't get it."

"Well let me give you an example: Do you own a weed whacker?"

"No I don't." his buddy says. Suddenly the fellow points at him and yells,

"WELL THEN YOU'RE A f*ckIN' HOMOSEXUAL!"

[Captain Crunch]

In a kindergarten class, a teacher asks three children what they did at recess, after returning to class. The teacher asks little Sally what she did at recess. Little Sally said she played in the sandbox. The teacher says "Sally, if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie." Sally spells "sand" and gets her cookie.

 

The teacher then asks little Jimmy what he did during recess. He said he played in the sandbox with Sally. The teacher says "Jimmy, if you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie." He spells "box" and gets his cookie.

 

The teacher then asks little Shaniqua what she did at recess. She said that she tried to play with Sally and Jimmy in the sandbox, but they threw rocks at her. The teacher says "Shaniqua, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" on the blackboard I'll give you a cookie"

[Tommy Dickfingers]

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.

When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.

[Runey]

So, Eeshan tells us a funny joke.

 

The end.

[ghost of delete key]

gotta rescue this pig from page 2...

 

*****

 

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Tehran to watch a young Iranian play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US. Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

 

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iranian the nod and he goes in.

 

The kid is a sensation – scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

 

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mum: “Hello mum, guess what?” “I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.”

 

“Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such great time!”

 

The young Iranian is very upset. “What can I say mum? I’m so sorry.”

 

 

“Sorry? You’re Sorry?!!” says his mum, “It’s your fault we moved to DETROIT in the first place!”

[Nikoguy74]

this random guy on omegle meets a another guy and tells him disco. the guy says disco what? the other guy soon says DISCOnnected! lol

[UNRATED69]

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Slynke]

 

this random guy on omegle meets a another guy and tells him disco. the guy says disco what? the other guy soon says DISCOnnected! lol

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahaha

 

 

Two snowmen are sitting on top of a hill. One looks at the other and asks, "Do you smell carrots?"

[Chinatown Wars]

RACIST JOKE TIME How do you get a mexican to get into your truck

throw a dollar in the back

How do get the mexican to get the hell out

Throw a bar of soap in there

How do you cause a mexican parade

Throw a penny down your street

 

Some people are in a plane. One is english, another mexican, one indian, and one american. The chinese man starts drinking and throws his beer out the window. The american yells "what the f*ck? why the hell did you do that." The english man stares at him and says "oh weve got enough of those where we come from" So the Indian guy is smoking and then throws the box of cigarettes out the window. The english guy yells at him and the indian guy says "oh weve got enough of that crap where i live" So they ask the american guy what they have enough of in his country the american throws the mexican off the plane

 

There is a room filled with bloody tampons on the floor and there are three guys. One white, another black, and another mexican. The white guy goes in and barfs his eyes out. The black guy goes in and barfs his intestines out. The mexican comes out and the room is clean. The white and black guy asks how it got clean. the mexican says "you guys didnt notice those yummy chipotles on the floor?"

 

A BLACK GUY WALKS INTO A BAR...

 

lame jokes

One day a man finds a hitchhiker on the freeway. He asks the women if she wants to come home with him and she says yes. The man is getting ready to take a shower and the woman asks "can i take one with you?" the man says yes and tells her not to look down when hes naked because "Peter" is there. After the shower they get into bed naked. When the man wakes up he is in the hospital with a pain in his groin. He asks the women "why am i here"

"Oh peter pissed on me so i bit him off"

 

 

 

[meta187]

Q. What is the difference between a lady truck driver and a lady basketball player?

 

A. One takes a shower after 4 periods.

[makeshyft]

Q. What is the difference between a lady truck driver and a lady basketball player?

 

A. One takes a shower after 4 periods.

What's the difference between a female hockey goalie and a girl from New Zealand? One changes her pads every three periods.

[AreXi]

Particle physics give me a hadron.

[Robinski]

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

 

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

[makeshyft]

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

 

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

[OGDarkstar]

My friend told me this one.

 

Say "I'm a man after every line."

 

You went to a party.

I'm a man.

You found a woman.

I'm a man.

Took her to dinner.

I'm a man.

Went to bed with her.

I'm a man.

Then she said:

I'm a man.

 

Yeah... Cheesy...

[GTA3Betalover]

My friend told me this one.

 

Say "I'm a man after every line."

 

You went to a party.

I'm a man.

You found a woman.

I'm a man.

Took her to dinner.

I'm a man.

Went to bed with her.

I'm a man.

Then she said:

I'm a man.

 

Yeah... Cheesy...

Hahahaha funny here i know one

 

Your daughter gets a job as a father are you proud. But then you realize that it's a prostitutes and the worst thing your boss and your coworkers are her best customers

 

As a Father

 

Hahha

[Tyler]

What is the definition of brassiere?

 

Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder

 

Why can't Santa Claus father any children?

 

Because he constantly comes down a chimney.

[Djdevin10]

what do you call a pack of cookies

 

an orgy

[Nikoguy74]

heres a funny one what happens to a person when kfc is closed this is what happens http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_gifs/258/KFC+closed/

[Matty256]

heres a funny one what happens to a person when kfc is closed this is what happens http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_gifs/258/KFC+closed/

Hahaha

[Newborn Killer]

Some cheesy jokes:

 

What don't families go on vacations in Ghana?

Because they all come back with Ghana-rea!

 

What happens when the KKK joins the English Premier League?

Blackburn!

[H4milton]

And the best movie award goes to:

The King Of Fighters(2010)

Tekken(2010)

[BLlTZ]

Don't know if someone posted here but is coming from my region.

 

In a village, in a summer mornning, one farmer is going down the hill to buy some bread. Walking down the alley, he's observe that his neighbour doing something near to his gate.

His approaching gentle to his neighbour and his asking ...

 

Farmer1 : Yo, budd'e - what are you doing with the saw and that bomb, next to your gate ?!

Farmer2 : My'o, neighboure; I'm cutting this bomb with this saw!

Farmer1 : But boyo, aren't you afraid of being exploded by the bomb!

Farmer2 : Not at y'all my neighboure ... I still got'e one left in my back-shack!!

[livejoker]

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.