The Joke Thread

[TheSiggi]

England will win the World Cup.

funny...really funny at least the scots are so good they don't even play there

(seriously I agree - they won't but who cares? watching and supporting is the clou)

 

So, now we already got started with the World cup heres something about Africa:

 

How do you get 20 Africans into a call box - thorw some bread into it

[hmvartak]

A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'

 

Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

 

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his

questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

 

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Boy.: '9'.

 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Boy.: '36'.

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'

 

Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.

 

Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.

 

Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?

 

Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'

 

Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

Boy.: 'Pockets.'

 

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

 

Boy.: Coconut

 

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

 

Boy..: Bubblegum

 

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

 

Boy.: Shake hands

 

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

 

Boy.: Tent

 

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

 

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

 

Boy.: Wedding Ring

 

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

 

Boy.: Nose

 

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

 

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

 

Boy.: Fire truck

 

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.

 

Boy.: Fork

 

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

 

Boy.: SURNAME.

 

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

 

Boy.: HEART.

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

 

'Make this boy the PRINCIPAL, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'

[SanAndreasManiac]

two employees of a funeraria are getting a male corpse ready for the funeral, when one notices the size of his d*ck, then says to the other one:

"Man, look how huge this fool's cock is!"

"Yeah, I got one just like that"

"That big?"

"No, that dead."

[Oddsock]

two employees of a funeraria are getting a male corpse ready for the funeral, when one notices the size of his d*ck, then says to the other one:

"Man, look how huge this fool's cock is!"

"Yeah, I got one just like that"

"That big?"

"No, that dead."

That's just tragic.

[Spinach]

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith, and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

 

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

 

 

 

What do you call a middle eastern man in the cockpit of a plane?

 

A pilot, you racist.

[Robinski]

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

"Would you like an ice pack?"

 

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

 

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.

 

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

[Weirdo.]

 

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

Shouldn't it be, "When are you going to ask your third question?"

 

*EDIT:* Oh wait, the punch line is that he's being serious and therefore unexpected, huh? Ha ha.

Edited June 22, 2010 by Weirdo.

[QwertyAAA]

What is the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?

The former is the holder of the office of the head of the Catholic Christian Church and Bishop of Rome, while the latter was a pop singer who produced some of the world's most popular songs and shaped much of the culture of the 1980s.

 

 

[pyramid head]

Saw this comic strip in a newspaper it was about a guy whose will is being read to his family.

 

And i Leonard Sturvetti being of sound mind and staunch believer in reincarnation leave everything to myself.

 

One of my favourites the mother-in-law jokes.

 

Since my dear old mother-in-law went senile, all she does is stare through the window, bless her maybe one day, if it gets really cold i'll let her in.

 

A football themed joke

 

A burglary was recently committed at manchester city's home ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen police are looking for a man with a pale blue carpet.

 

And the best video game joke ever.

 

Pyramid head walks into a bar the barman says why the long face?, there were no survivors

[BrownBear]

You know what goes well with "Uncle Bens rissoto"?

 

Uncle Toms chicken wings

 

Made that up myself.

[Spinach]

• Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

 

 

 

• What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

 

 

• What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

 

 

• Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.

 

 

• What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

 

 

• I'm shocked at Wayne Rooney's outburst after the Algeria game. Who knew he could even string a sentence together!

 

 

• What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.

 

 

• At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...

 

 

• John Terry said: "The whole defence is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.

 

 

• My computer's been infected by the Robert Green virus. Now I can't save anything.

 

 

• Why is Robert Green like ITV High Definition? They both switch off at the crucial moment.

 

 

• The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on Saturday morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.

 

 

• Police have released the name of the angry bloke who stormed into the England dressing room and subjected Fabio Capello and the players to a stream of foul-mouthed abuse. It's Wayne Rooney.

 

 

• Fabio Capello told Wayne Rooney to have a long look at himself in the mirror. Like that's going to improve his confidence.

 

 

• Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.

 

 

• Robert Green's bringing out his own South African trumpet. It's known as a boo-boozela

[Robinski]

 

One day, God is totally bored out of his mind and decides to take a vacation. Only problem is, he can't decide on where he wants to go. He asks St Peter for advice.

"Why don't you go to Mercury?" suggests St. Peter. "It's nice and hot all the time, you could work on your tan, relax in a sauna..."

God says "No, it's way too hot"

"Well how about Pluto then?" tries St. Peter again. "It's really cool, you could go skiing, do some ice fishing, maybe shack up with a cute little snow bunny."

God says "Ugh, no, way too cold"

Peter then hits upon Earth. "It's right in the middle, you've got warmth and heat when you want it, you've got mountains and skiing when you want it, it's got pretty much everything you could ask for from a resort."

God says, "No f*cking way. Last time I was down there, knocked up some bitch, started all sorts of sh*t"

 

 

Pope Benedict dies and reaches the gates of heaven. They are closed, so he knocks.

 

"Yes?" St. Peter asks, as he opens a small window in the gate and looks outside.

 

"I am Pope Benedict, and I have come to take my place in heaven!" Benedict announces.

 

St. Peter's brows furrow and he asks "Er... who?"

 

"I am Pope Benedict, head of the Catholic Church!"

 

St. Peter still looks puzzled. "Ok... wait here, I'll ask around"

He closes the window, leaves the gate and soon finds archangel Michael.

 

"Hey, Michael! There's this guy at the gates who wants in, Pope Benedict, head of the Catholic Church... you ever heard of him?"

 

But Michael has no idea, and St. Peter returns to the gate and opens the window.

"Ah, sorry, but I asked around and I still have no idea who you are."

 

"What??" Pope Benedict exclaims, "But I am the Pope! I am God's highest representative on earth!"

 

St. Peter sighs. "Ok, ok, I'll ask him. But you better not just made that up!"

 

And so St. Peter leaves and goes to God - who also has never heared about some Pope or a Catholic Church. "Peter, why don't you ask Jesus? He used to hang out on earth some time back."

 

So St. Peter goes to seek out Jesus. When he finds him, Jesus also doesn't know anything about that guy at the gates. But he agrees to check out things on earth to get a clue.

 

Soon afterward, as St. Peter is returning to the gates, Jesus suddenly appears in front of him, laughing his ass off.

 

"Oh Peter, you won't believe this... Remember how when I went to earth about 2000 years ago, I founded that fishing club? You won't believe it, it's still around!"

 

 

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

 

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

 

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

 

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

 

 

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

Ya know, it's a really obscure number, you've probably never even heard of it.

 

 

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

 

 

A man on a business trip in Ireland stops at a local pub for some drinks. As he's sitting at the bar, an old Irishman sits down next to him, he does't say anything, just sips his beer and stares at his glass. The businessman lets him be and continues with his drink. After a while, the Irishman leans over and says (kind of slow Irish accent), "Ay, Laddy, 'dyou see the pier down by the water?" "I built it. Laid every timber myself, do they call me Seamus, the pier builder?" The man turns to look at him, "Umm... I don't know, do they?" "No. They Don't." The Irishman turns back to his bear as if nothing had happened. The business doesn't know what to think so he goes back to his drink. A while later, the old man turns back to him and says, "Ay, Laddy, 'dyou see that wall on the edge of town?" "I built it, laid every stone myself, do they call me Seamus, the wall builder?" The businessman turns back again, "...I don't know" "No. They don't" The old man returns to his drink again as if no one else was there. The businessman, more confused now, slowly goes back to his drink. Again, a while later, the old man leans over, "Ay, Laddy, you see this bar here? I made it, carved every piece myself" The businessman admired the intricate carvings on the bar. "Do they call me Seamus, the bar builder?" "No?" "No. They don't, but if you f*ck one goat..."

 

 

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Saturday, March 20, 2010

 

Grandpa And The Taxation Office

 

The Tax Department decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to their Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

 

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

 

So this guy's got a ton of penguins in his car and he's driving down the freeway and a cop pulls him over. "Buddy, what's with all the penguins?" "Hey, officer, I'm takin em to the zoo." "Oh, ok buddy, go ahead." Two days later the cop sees the guy with a carload of f*ckin penguins again so he pulls him over and says "Buddy, I thought you said you were gonna take the penguins to the zoo!" "I did, today we're goin to the movies."

Edited June 29, 2010 by Robinski

[Zook]

I failed math so many times i cant even count

[Autopilot]

Almost 100 years had passed since Lenin's birth and the Soviet communist party wanted to have the painting "Lenin in Poland" made to celebrate the landmark. But a cause for concern was that Lenin had never in his life traveled to Poland, and all the great Soviet painters were swayed towards realism. Every painter the communist party asked had a similar reply for them: "Comrade, I'd love to do that painting but I absolutely can't. It would go against all my education".

 

Finally, the only decent painter they hadn't asked was a jew called Levi. "I'd rather paint something that really happened" Levi replied, "But, since it's you who are asking I'll do that painting. It will be an honor". The communist party leaders were ecstatic to have finally secured a painter and asked Levi to have the painting ready in one week, and Levi gave them his word for that.

 

One week later a massive festival is held on the Red Square to celebrate the upcoming unveiling of the painting. But it is a shock to everyone at the square when Levi unveils the painting because it shows a man shagging a woman that looks very much like Lenins wife!

 

After a long silence, a man in the crowd asks Levi: "Who is that man?"

 

"That's Tolstoj." Levi replies.

 

Anoter long silence follows. Levis is then asked: "And who is that woman?"

 

"That's Lenin's wife, comrade"

 

"But where's Lenin?"

 

"He's in Poland" Levi replies.

-----------------------------------

 

A man dies and goes to hell. In hell he's told that there are two main types of hell, Communist hell and Capitalist hell. The man decides to check capitalist hell first. When he gets there he, he sees John F. Kennedy guarding the entrance and asks him what Capitalist hell is like. JFK replies: "Here in capitalist hell you will be chopped to pieces with axes, stuffed into pots and boiled in hot water and smashed to even smaller pieces with gigantic hammers." "That's awful!" the man replies. "I'm gonna check the communist hell."

 

But to his dismay, there is a a massive waiting line in front of the communist hell. Two years later, when it's finally his place in line a very hot tempered Lenin welcomes him to communist hell. The man asks Lenin what communist hell is like, to which Lenin replies in an annoyed tone: "Here in communist hell you will be chopped to pieces with axes, stuffed into pots and boiled in hot water and smashed to even smaller pieces with gigantic hammers."

 

"But......but that's exactly like the capitalist hell! Why are there two hells then? And why did I have to wait for two years in that line?"

 

"Well..." Lenin replies "...sometimes we have no hot water, sometimes there's no axes, sometimes no hammers...."

[WesternRevolver]

One day, Panda went to a restaurant and ordered some food. After he finished eating, he shot the waiter and left the place. When the police caught Panda, he told them to look in the dictionary. The cop read: Panda = eats shoots and leaves.

 

Get it? I hope so...

[chris]

Gave me a good chuckle dude.

[leeg1931]

A 13-year-old boy walks into a brothel dragging a torn up porn magazine and asks the woman at the desk if he could see the madam the woman replys;

"Aren't you a bit young to be in here?!"

He responds by whipping a huge wad of cash out of his backpocket. The woman exclaims and rushes to get the madam.

The madam arrives with 22 of the best protitutes in town then the boy asks her;

"Do you have any with crabs?"

she responds; "No all my girls are clean!"

The boy once again reveals his large wad of cash.

The madam says that she will return in twenty minutes with a girl infected with crabs.

When she returns as promised with a crabs-infected prostitute the boy goes to the bedroom with her, still mysteriously dragging around this torn up old porn magazine.

When he comes back down the stairs and pays the madam she asks him;

"Why the hell did you want a girl with crabs!? Surely that's a bad thing!"

The boy replys; "It's a rather long story. Well this way I would get crabs then my girlfreind would get it, then the guy shes cheating on me with would get it, then he would give it to my sitter, then she would give it to my dad, then he would give it to my mum and then she would give it to my English teacher Mr Edwards. And it serves him right 'cause he tore up my f*cking Porn Mag yesterday in class, the bastard!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Not great I know but it's the best I've got right now.

Edited July 2, 2010 by leeg1931

[Rape Alarm]

Following Andy Murray's inevitable Wimbledon sh*tshow, viagra are looking to sponsor him. They do have a good record of helping out people who can only achieve semi's after all.

[Benzoboy]

 

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."

"You crafty c*nt!" said the fairy.

 

 

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"?

 

f*cking firemen.

 

 

I've just got back from the hospital after my wife has just given birth to our first child. Thirteen pounds... Thirteen pounds! Can you believe it? THIRTEEN POUNDS!

 

f*cking NHS car parks.

 

 

When my wife went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed, took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn't hurt.

 

Which made me laugh, because that's exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.

 

 

Just heard Tulisa from 'N-Dubz say: Where would I be without music?'

 

Pregnant in a council flat

[Gouveia]

Two girls, a blond and a brunette, are watching TV, where a guy is on the top of the tallest building in the city saying that he'll kill himself.

 

Brunette: "A hundred bucks says he'll jump."

Blond: "So be it, bring it on!"

 

Seconds later, the guy jumped, and the brunette got her hundred bucks.

 

Some days later, the brunette girl was feeling sorry and went to the blond's house to talk to her.

 

Brunette: "Sorry, friend, but that day... It was all a recording, I knew that he would jump..."

Blond: "Hey, relax... I knew it was a recording too! I just thought he wouldn't be dumb enough to jump twice."

 

-------------------

 

A blond girl goes into a store.

 

Blond: "Hey there, I want to buy that TV over there..."

Clerk: "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds."

 

She goes out in anger. The next day, she goes to the store disguised as a rasta.

 

Blond: "Hey broda', I and I'd like to buy that TV set over there..."

Clerk: "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds."

Blond: "I ain't no blond, you bumbaclot!"

Clerk: "Yes, yes you are. You're not talking like a proper rasta."

 

She goes out in anger again. The next day, she goes to the store disguised as a english man.

 

Blond: "Hey, mate, I would like to acquire that television over there..."

Clerk: "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds."

Blond: "I ain't no bloody blond, you bastar"

Clerk: "Yes, yes you are. Your accent is pretty terrible."

Blond: "Okay, I give up! Why don't you sell to blonds?!"

Clerk: "Because that's a microwave, miss."

[hmvartak]

How To Catch A Lion?

 

Newton 's Method:

 

Let, the lion catch you.

 

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

 

Implies you caught lion.

 

********************

 

Einstein Method:

 

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

 

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

 

Now you can trap it easily.

 

********************

 

Software Engineer Method:

 

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

 

If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

 

[livejoker]

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs f*cking?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

 

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

 

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

 

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

 

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

 

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

 

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

 

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some f*cking ice cream."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A guy named Slamman logs on an internet forum and adds interesting topics over the years. The modders, seeing that Slamman the great got more power than them, decide to ban or something the dear fellow. Now this is the funny part, dig this...Slamman...opens up...his own forum! Like, pawned! So owned, Gta.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll get banned for a week for that last one.

[Lithium]

Why did god give segulls wings? To beat the frenchmen to the dump! hahaha Love that one!!

[Star-Lord]

"Confucius says man who drop watch in toilet have sh*tty time."

"Confucius says Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk."

"Confucius says Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands."

"Confucius says Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag."

"Confucius says man go take break these jokes are lame, Confucius be back later."

[nerner]

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a sh*t team we should easily have beaten.

I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

 

Dear Walkers Crisps,

Your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag?

 

Welcome to The Amnesia Information Association's informational web page.

Please enter your 16 digit password in the space provided.

[Robinski]

I'm sick of people saying that professional footballers failed at school.

I know for a fact that my friend Cristiano got an A+ in Drama.

 

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"?

f*cking firemen.

 

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "...I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."

 

Welcome to The Amnesia Information Association's informational web page.

Please enter your 16 digit password in the space provided.

 

[Ari Gold]

What do you call a Mexican who's lost his car?

 

Carlos.

[Vasilyrud]

 

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in

Chinatown.

 

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

 

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze

rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

 

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

 

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.

As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

 

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By

the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats

following him.

 

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the

bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

 

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so

your back for the story".

 

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

[nerner]

Police have placed a cordon near Raoul Moat and his shotgun.

Hopefully it's James Cordon.

 

Now Raoul Moat is finally dead, Gazza can rest easily; Safe in the knowledge that he is once again the most mental person in Newcastle.

 

I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn't been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: "Oh, you're a beast, you're despicable!"

So I said to him: "Listen mate, we're all here together, you're just as despicable as I am." But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like "How do you sleep at night?" and "You're a total disgrace."

Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: "In 25 years I've never seen anything like this."

So I said: "I know I'm not much to look at but that's a bit harsh, isn't it?" But he wasn't listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to "throw me out" and that security was "on its way."

At that point I just thought "Oh, I don't need this".

So I stood up and said: "f*ck it, come on kids we're leaving."

[pyramid head]

1

Since my dear old mother-in-law went senile, all she does is stare through the window, bless her maybe one day if it gets really cold I’ll let her in.

 

2

My girlfriend said she wanted a Brazilian “downstairs”. KaKa is now sleeping on the couch.

 

3

An 80-year-old is given a jar to provide to provide a sperm sample, but turns up to the clinic two days later empty handed.

 

Why’s there no sample? The nurse asks.

 

Sorry he says I tried my right and left hand. Then my wife tried with both hands and her mouth – with and without her teeth in.

 

We even got Betty from next door to try but it was no good, no matter what we did we just couldn’t get the jar open.

 

4

I got in a fight with my wife last night. She asked me what was on the TV I said: dust.

 

5

A GARDA recruit was asked during the exam: what would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered call for backup.

 

6

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

 

7

Me and my pals are in a band called Duvet. We’re a cover band.

 

8

Pyramid Head walks into a bar the barman says why the long face, there were no survivors.

 

9

What do you call a zombie that can’t decide whether or not to eat his victim?

A Hesitant Evil

 

10

Where do sheep get their hair cuts?

A At the Baa Baas

 

11

What do cannibals play at parties?

A Swallow my leader

 

12

What did the beaver say to the tree?

A Nice gnawing you

 

13

What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a detective?

A Sherlock Bones

 

14

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home from school and angrily tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with her daughter Sarah in the playground.

 

Well let’s not be too harsh on them Johnny’s mother says. They’re bound to be curious about sex at that age.

 

Curious about sex? Replies Sarah’s mother he’s taken her flippin appendix out.

 

15

Two friends are sitting in a pub having a drink, one says to the other my wife drives me to drink, your lucky says the other mine makes me walk.

 

16

A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog.

 

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

 

The exasperated manager runs up to the man and asks what are you doing?.

 

The blind man replies, just looking around

 

17

I hated my job as an origami teacher, there was too much paperwork