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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

860

why did Hitler shoot himself?

 

he finally got the gas bill

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nerner
why did Hitler shoot himself?

 

he finally got the gas bill

Old, but still quite funny.

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ThePhenom92

One time a married couple who loved each other very much, got in a horrible car crash. The husband survived with a few bumps and bruises, but the wife has severe burns on her face. At the hospital the doctor says "Well it turns out that she will survive and recover, but her face is severely burned and in order for her face to be as pretty as it was before, we need to do a skin transplant. Usually in these kinds of operations we use the skin from the ass. Now your wife is very skinny so we can't use her skin, but we can use yours." (Don't ask me how the doctor knew the husband had enough skin on his ass for his wife ok). The wife and husband accept this as long as the doctor doesn't tell anyone. He agrees and the operation is a success. Now the wife looks as beautiful as ever. People remark on how beautiful she is and one day the couple is cuddling up and the wife says "Honey, I really want to thank you for having to make a sacrifice to make me look beautiful. If there is any way I can make it up, tell me and I will do it." The husband puts his arm around her and says in her ear "There's no need for that honey, I get all the thanks I need when I see your mom kiss you on the cheek"

 

A comedian named Billy Bingo came to my class on career day and told this joke, except it was said in the third person, I'll try to say it in a story kind of way, or first person.

 

One day a wife has some pretty long handkerchiefs and she gives it to the husband saying "You can tie my down and do anything you want". The husband gets happy and he ties up her feet and hands to the bed. He then went out and had the best game of Golf ever.

 

Another one was:

 

After a show for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, a comedian stopped doing shows for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Why? Because the foundation sent 37 kids to the Neverland Ranch (Search that up if you don't know what the Neverland Ranch is to get the joke). He was angry and was quoted as saying "I'm never doing work for them again, sending 37 kids to the Neverland Ranch. He shouldn't be getting 37 wishes!!!"

 

Here's the Wikipedia of the Neverland Ranch for those who don't know what Google is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neverland_Ranch

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Effy in Chains

What's the best thing about giving a naughty schoolgirl a damn jolly good spanking?

Being able to claim the £500 fee back on my MP's expenses.

 

What's the difference between "oooooh" and "mhmmhmmm"?

About four centimeters of duct tape.

 

How do you punish a blind kid?

Hand them a basketball and tell them to read it...

 

I remember getting my first ever erection when I was 6.

Shame it was up my arse and I couldn't really see it.

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Hell No..

Whats Black and Screams?

 

Stevie Wonder answering the Iron. cool.gif

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nerner

What's red and hangs from a tree ?

A sanitary owl

 

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

 

Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?

Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

 

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?

Well hung.

 

Why are women and condoms so similar?

Because they're either on your dick or in your wallet.

 

What do Americans use as contraception?

Their personalities.

 

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum." The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."

 

How can you tell when you've passed an Elephant?

You can't close the loo seat

 

Q: What do you call a pissed Arab?

A:Hammed

 

Q: What do you call a really pissed Arab?

A:Mohammed

 

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

 

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A: So they don't get mistaken for feminists

 

How do you circumcise a whale?

With four skin divers

 

What's got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog!

 

Q: What's brown and taps at the window

A: A poo on stilts!

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BikerAndy

A wife is in bed when her husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He announces 'This is the pig that I sleep with when you've got a headache'. His wife says 'You're more stupid than you look, that's a sheep'. He replies 'I wasn't talking to you'.

 

Ithankyou.

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D- Ice

 

Dr.Killa, this is meant to be a joke thread, not a personal experiences thread. If you want to post here, grow a sense of humor.

im obviously inspired by Overmorrow and bartekxyz

 

Your joke was meaningless, mine was black humour - quite a difference wink.gif

I actually found the upfront shamelessness nature of Dr. Killa's joke a lot funnier. confused.gif

 

Anyway, some racist/homophobic jokes:

 

Have you heard about the Jewish sports car?

It stops on a dime, then picks it up.

 

What is a Jews biggest dilemma?

Free pork.

 

Why are Paki football (soccer) teams so sh*tty?

Everytime they get a corner they open up a shop!

 

What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?

May I push your stool in?

 

Four fags are sitting in a hot tub. They notice some sperm rising to the surface. One fag says, "Ok, who farted?"

 

Why do black people have white hands?

They were up against the wall when God spray painted them!

 

What do you call a little mexican?

A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.

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Tophius

-Have you heard of the new blonde paint?

It´s not too bright, It´s cheap, and it spreads easily!

 

 

-One day God decides to summon Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates.

As God sits in his mighty throne, he asks Al Gore, "What do you think is the most important thing in life?"

Al replies, "I think it´s our wonderful environment, and how we must strive to protect it."

"Very well," God Says, "You may sit on my left hand."

 

Then, God asks Bill Clinton, "What do you think is most important?"

Clinton replies, "I think it´s a world where people can have a place to call home, and be content with their lives."

"Good," God Says, "You may sit on my right hand."

 

God then turns to Bill Gates, "What´s wrong Bill, why do you look so unhappy?"

Bill replies, "because you´re sitting on my chair!"

 

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ThePhenom92

I don't know if this has been said but might as well say it.

 

George Washington, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are all on a ship that is sinking. They go to the life boats and Washington says "Save the women!", Bush says "Screw the women!" to which Bill Clinton asks "Do we have enough time?".

 

A man is in his car listening to the radio and on the radio they announce that he won the lottery. The man then calls his wife and says "Honey honey, pack your bags I just won the lottery". The wife says "Wait, why do I have to pack my bags?". The husband says "Because you need to get the f*ck out bitch!".

 

My friend told me that one and that's as best as I can remember it.

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alx-ndr

 

 

yeah... sorry. youtube topic. you might be able to move my post?

Edited by alx-ndr

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Digital Warlord.

While the doctor acquainted himself with a new elderly patient, he asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years- when my husband was alive."

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33stradale

a jew punches a chinaman in the face

chinaman: what the hell was that for

jew: for pearl harbour

chinaman: i'm not japanese

:well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me

 

chinaman says ok, waits half an hour then karates the jew in the face

jew: what the hell was that for?

: sinking the titanic

: that was an iceberg!

: iceberg, goldberg, steinberg, it's all the same to me

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nerner

^ Don't get either of them really

 

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YoungJoe94
^ Don't get either of them really

It's the same joke, just 2 different paragraphs tounge.gif

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nerner
^ Don't get either of them really

It's the same joke, just 2 different paragraphs tounge.gif

Oh right, now I kind of get it, but it is a bit crap really.

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Girish
^ Don't get either of them really

It's the same joke, just 2 different paragraphs tounge.gif

Oh right, now I kind of get it, but it is a bit crap really.

The one that I had heard was with a Chinese and Steven Spielberg.

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33stradale
^ Don't get either of them really

It's the same joke, just 2 different paragraphs tounge.gif

Oh right, now I kind of get it, but it is a bit crap really.

The one that I had heard was with a Chinese and Steven Spielberg.

that's much better, chinaman smacks steven speilberg

: what the hell was that for?

: titanic

: i didn't make that movie

: no you sank it

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Slamman

Holy cow, I clicked the wrong damn HYPERLINK again, FREAKIN A! nervous.gifwow.gif

Edited by Slamman

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Digital Warlord.

Heard a joke once: Man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But doctor..."

"...I am Pagliacci"

 

Good joke.

Everybody laugh.

Roll on snare drum.

Curtains.

 

- From the DC graphic novel "Watchmen" by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons

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nerner

What did Stephen Hawking say when someone nicked his computer?

Nothing!

 

biggrin.gif

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cacarla

A Man asks god:

 

"Oh lord, my body feels like it is burning in an oven, i really don't have the mood to eat, sleep or and do anything else. I hardly concentrate on my work. Am i falling in LOVE?

 

God replies: "No, my son, this is SWINE FLU!!"

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Standart

A guy comes to see a doctor, drops he's pants and puts the balls on table. Doctor looking at him:

- What's wrong? Hurts?

- No.

- Want a bigger one?

- No.

- Smaller?

- No.

- What then?

- Nice huh?!

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H4milton
A guy comes to see a doctor, drops he's pants and puts the balls on table. Doctor looking at him:

- What's wrong? Hurts?

- No.

- Want a bigger one?

- No.

- Smaller?

- No.

- What then?

- Nice huh?!

haha lol

 

okay, here's mine tounge.giftounge2.gif

 

During an electricity powercut/loadshedding...

Guy: Hey, it's dark in here isn't it?

Another guy: I don't know. I can't see.

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Mand'alor
*Sarah Silverman Aristocrats Joke*

 

yeah... sorry. youtube topic. you might be able to move my post?

 

 

Gilbert Gottfried does the best version of the Aristocrats in my opinion. The first time I saw him do it was at some celebrity roast I think. I literally laughed non stop for about 20 minutes.

 

The man has a very unique voice, I'll give him that.

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Hell No..

The recent fire at Universal Studios in Hollywood severely damaged many studio sets. The Back to the Future town centre set was completely destroyed.

 

When asked to comment, Michael J Fox was visibly shaken.

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n11lc2
a jew punches a chinaman in the face

chinaman: what the hell was that for

jew: for pearl harbour

chinaman: i'm not japanese

:well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me

 

chinaman says ok, waits half an hour then karates the jew in the face

jew: what the hell was that for?

: sinking the titanic

: that was an iceberg!

: iceberg, goldberg, steinberg, it's all the same to me

yeah i saw that omegle chat

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SanAndreasManiac

Johnny: wanna see how can I get easy money?

Boy: how?

Johnny: gonna show you.

*he goes to his house's kitchen, his mom is washing dishes*

Johnny: hey, mom, I know EVERYTHING!

Mom: ok, ok, son, don't tell a thing to your father, here's 5 bucks.

*the boy get's back to his friend*

Johnny: see? easy! gonna do this with my dad now.

*he goes to the living room, his dad is watching TV*

Johnny: hey dad, what's up?

Dad: not very good, my team is losing.

Johnny: I know EVERYTHING!

Dad: what!? how do you.... ok, here's 10 bucks, don't tell this to nobody!

*back to the other boy*

Johnny: hehe, again!

Boy: cool!

Johnny: I gonna get the mailman this time.

*Johnny goes to the mail truck*

Johnny: how are you?

Mailman: I'm fine, the job is tought, but i'm fine.

Johnny: well, I know EVERYTHING!!

Mailman: sure?

Johnny: sure.

Mailman: so, come here, hug me, my son!

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ghost of delete key

Some sh*tty humor:

 

***

A bird was foraging for seeds by a pasture when it started snowing.

It was so cold that his feet froze to the ground.

The bird started chirping at the top of his tiny lungs,

hoping that a farmer would come along and free him.

 

A few minutes passed, and a cow came along.

The cow, not noticing the bird, proceeded to defecate, the sh*t landing on top of the bird.

At long last, the bird was warm, and the warm pile of sh*t melted the ice around its feet.

 

Realizing it was free, the bird lifted its wings and tried to fly away,

but was once again stuck in the pile of sh*t.

Again hoping a farmer would come along and free him, the bird started chirping.

 

A few more minutes passed, and a cat came along.

Seeing the bird, the cat pulled him out of the sh*t, cleaned him off, and ate him.

 

The moral of the story is: The one who puts you in a sh*tty situation isn't always your enemy,

and the one who pulls you out of one isn't always your friend.

And if you are warm and happy, shut up and sit still.

 

 

***

"What did you do before you were a writer?"

"I cleaned bird sh*t out of nice personoo clocks."

"What's the white stuff in bird sh*t?"

"That's bird sh*t too."

 

 

dontgetit.gif

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neilkevin

I would like to share a joke here....

wo old ladies, Mary and Martha met in the town, "Mary, how was the weather on your week's holiday". "Oh not so bad it only rained twice, Once for four days and once for three"

Enjoy!!!!!!

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