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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

ThePhenom92

I don't know if this has been said but I did make this one up at school.

 

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. They begin to argue over who's religion is better. The Priest says "Ok ok guys, hold on, you know what theres some woods by this bar, lets go to the woods, and try to convert a bear to our religion. We come back in a week and we say what happened.". The Minister and Rabbi agree. In one week they all come back and the Minister has a cast on his arm. The Priest says "Well I went to the woods, and I found me a bear. I began to preach it the word of God and it attacked me. We rolled into a river and I dunked his head underwater and converted it to my religion.". The Priest is in crutches and he says "Well I went to the woods, and I found me a bear as well. I began to preach it the word of God but it attacked me as well. I poked him in the eye then sprinkled Holy Water on him and converted him to my religion.". They both then look to the Rabbi who was in a full body cast and he said "I don't think a circumcision was the best way to start."

 

By the way, is it the Priest who sprinkles Holy Water or does he baptize them?

 

This one was a simple hot dog joke I told my friend but I decided to add some story to it. Again, I'm not sure if it has been told or already made up.

 

Two drunk guys are out on the town and they want beer, but they only have about 1.75 between them. So the first drunk says "Hey, you know what, lets take this 1.75, and buy a hot dog." The second drunk says "A hot dog? I don't want a hot dog, I want beer." The first drunk says "Exactly, we'll buy the hot dog, and put it in my pants. Then we'll go to a bar and order a drink. When it's time to pay, I'll drop my pants and you'll suck the hot dog so it'll look like your sucking my d*ick. Then we'll get kicked out and we don't have to pay". The second drunk thinks it's a good idea and goes along with it. They buy the hot dog and go to a bar. They order the drinks, and when it's time to pay, the first drunk dropped his pants and the second drunk sucked the hot dog and they got kicked out. The 2 drunks went on to hit 18 more bars. The second drunk says "Dude dude, lets switch because me knees are hurting me from hitting the ground so many times" The first drunk says "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!!!"

 

So yeah, if that joke gave you any ideas, don't do it.

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Seachmall
By the way, is it the Priest who sprinkles Holy Water or does he baptize them?

Both, they're baptised in holy water (if that's what you mean).

 

And good jokes lol.gif.

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ThePhenom92

Haha thanks, I'm really a funny person but those are the two best jokes I've made up. I'm one of those funny people who have funny stories and says funny things at the moment and who usually has a comeback for almost anything.

 

Well, here's another one

 

The mailman knocks on the door. A little kid answers it. The mailman says "Um, hey kid. Where's your mom? I need to speak with her" The kid says " I'm sorry, shes taking a shower and I don't know when she might get out". The mailman says "Ok then, how about your father?" The kid says "I'm sorry, but hes in the shower too. He won't be out for a long time. He asked me to give him Vaseline, but I gave him Super Glue"

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Wanted Assailant
Haha thanks, I'm really a funny person but those are the two best jokes I've made up. I'm one of those funny people who have funny stories and says funny things at the moment and who usually has a comeback for almost anything.

 

Well, here's another one

 

The mailman knocks on the door. A little kid answers it. The mailman says "Um, hey kid. Where's your mom? I need to speak with her" The kid says " I'm sorry, shes taking a shower and I don't know when she might get out". The mailman says "Ok then, how about your father?" The kid says "I'm sorry, but hes in the shower too. He won't be out for a long time. He asked me to give him Vaseline, but I gave him Super Glue"

That's one's pretty good. tounge.gif

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javi13
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian?

See you next month

Hah!

 

I actually did let out a 'hah' at that one.

Interesting, my verbalization was more similar to a kind of "eugh".

Mine was a "Haha."

I got an 'a' up on you!

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Chunk

What do you call a black man walking down the street?

 

A respectable member of society.

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SIKKS66
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian?

See you next month

Hah!

 

I actually did let out a 'hah' at that one.

Interesting, my verbalization was more similar to a kind of "eugh".

Mine was a "Haha."

I got an 'a' up on you!

Took me a while to get that one. Nice.

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K^2
A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi...

... are fishing from a boat in the lake. Minister feels the call of nature, steps off the boat onto the water surface, and walks over to the woods on the shore, then comes back the same way a bit later. A few minutes later same thing happens to the Priest. He walks off and comes back the same way as the Minister did. Rabi is sitting in the boat and thinking, "Can their religion really be stronger than my if they can walk on water? No, that cannot be right. If they can do it, so can I." And so he steps off the boat, and falls into the water. Priest tells the Minister, "You know, maybe we should tell him where the rocks in the water are."

 

 

Gtaf's registration process should introduce a rule that bans <18 year olds and requires a passport scan so that each member's age can be verified.

Yes, there really should be. I think there was a rule about it a few years ago. No passport checks, or anything, but it still was a lot nice around these parts.

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Dr.Killa

theres a retarded guy, a psychopath, and a mass murderer. one day they decide to rob a bank. after doing it, the police are chasing them and they jump behind a fence into someones backyard. the psychopath hides in a cat house, mass murderer hides in a dog house, and the retard hides in a potato sack. the police hop in the backyard and say "come out! we know you're here!" one goes over to the dog house, and the murdere says "bark! bark!", another goes over to the cat house, and the psycho says "meow.". the other cop goes to the potato sack the retard is in and says "who's in here?" and pokes it with a night stick. the retard says "potato potato!

_______________________________

 

what did the cat say when it stepped on a needle?

 

ow. me.

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DeeperRed
theres a retarded guy, a psychopath, and a mass murderer. one day they decide to rob a bank. after doing it, the police are chasing them and they jump behind a fence into someones backyard. the psychopath hides in a cat house, mass murderer hides in a dog house, and the retard hides in a potato sack. the police hop in the backyard and say "come out! we know you're here!" one goes over to the dog house, and the murdere says "bark! bark!", another goes over to the cat house, and the psycho says "meow.". the other cop goes to the potato sack the retard is in and says "who's in here?" and pokes it with a night stick. the retard says "potato potato!

 

Thanks for killing a perfectly good joke.

Its meant to be English, Scottish and Irish

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Dr.Killa

yovr welcome

 

ill be back with more funny jokes later i need to masturbate

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CLoWnnSkuLL

 

i need to masturbate

Amen.

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Girish

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

 

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository...it's up to you!"

 

-------------------------------

 

One day, a little boy was pulling his wagon past a church. While the preacher was standing outside, one of the wheels fell off the wagon. “God damn!” shouted the boy. The preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheel back on the wagon and went home.

 

The next day, the little boy went past the church with the preacher outside. Two wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheels on again and goes home.

 

The next day, the little boy went past the church, again with the preacher outside. Three wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put all three wheels back on his wagon and goes home.

 

On the fourth day, the little boy passed the church. The preacher was standing outside and all four wheels fell off the wagon. The boy looked at the wagon and said, “God bless.” Suddenly, all four wheels jumped back on the wagon and the preacher said, “GOD DAMN!”

 

--------------------------------

 

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

 

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

 

Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”

 

Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

 

Mr. Smith: “That’s terrible! Can we take the test over?”

 

Receptionist: “Normally, yes. But you belong to an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

 

Mr. Smith: “Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

 

Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

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McLovin2404

Q: Why did the condom fly up to the ceiling?

 

A: Cos it got pissed off!

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Gouveia

Not as funny, still a joke.

 

--------------

 

Jerry called his home to talk to his wife and his son picked up the phone:

 

Jerry: "Hey kiddle, where's mommy?"

Son: "Oh Daddy, she's upstairs with her cousin trying to fix the closet. I think it'll take some time since she's screaming a lot."

Jerry: "Can you do me a favor? Can you go to the door of her bedroom and say that I just arrived home and then tell me what happened?"

Son: "Sure daddy!"

 

A few moments later, the kid comes back to the phone:

 

Son: "*sob*They're... *sob* DEAD!"

Jerry: "What happened son?"

Son: "She panicked and they tried to jump to the pool, but they missed it and *sob* splated in the concrete!"

Jerry: "Wait a minute, a pool? We don't even have a -- Oh, sorry, wrong number"

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I want Silver
Long Ass post

nice jokes yeeee

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YoungJoe94
Gtaf's registration process should introduce a rule that bans <18 year olds and requires a passport scan so that each member's age can be verified.

That would be really pointless...What if people don't want others to know what they look like? Or what if they don't have a scanner? And even if there was a passport it really means nothing...it could be a passport pic photoshop'd to make it look like a scan yawn.gif

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chris

 

What do you call a black man walking down the street?

 

A respectable member of society.

I think Churchill saw that one coming.

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Lega_c

Here's one you guys have never heard in the entirety of your life. Me and my friend wrote this and it has been featured on some late night talk shows!

 

Me: Hey do you like fishsticks?

 

Him: Yes

 

Me: Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth?

 

Him: Yes

 

Me: Then you're a gay fish! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

 

 

I am such a great joke writer.

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Pr0xy_fl00d3r

What does Ricky Hatton & Gary Glitter have in common?

 

They both went down for trying to take a little Fillipino in the ring

 

 

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CptPusheen

What is koala bear doing in burning forest?

 

he is burning too

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Dr.Killa

what did the gay man say to the other gay man

 

lets have sex

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K^2

Dr.Killa, this is meant to be a joke thread, not a personal experiences thread. If you want to post here, grow a sense of humor.

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Overmorrow

What did the doctor say to his patient?

 

You have cancer. You probably have 2 months left to live.

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deathdealer

not sure if it's posted or not but...

 

 

A patient comes to the emergency room and says "doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live". the doctor says "I'll be with you in a minute".

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IShootYew

What is the biggest joke in the world?

 

Bush

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Dr.Killa
Dr.Killa, this is meant to be a joke thread, not a personal experiences thread. If you want to post here, grow a sense of humor.

im obviously inspired by Overmorrow and bartekxyz

 

how many penises does a male octopus have?

 

8 vaginas

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Daint

 

Dr.Killa, this is meant to be a joke thread, not a personal experiences thread. If you want to post here, grow a sense of humor.

im obviously inspired by Overmorrow and bartekxyz

 

how many penises does a male octopus have?

 

8 vaginas

That doesn't even make sense.

 

Anyway, a kid is fishing with his grandfather, there they are sat in their little boat in the middle of the lake. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Kid: Can I have one?

Grandfather: Can your dick touch your ass?

Kid: No

Grandfather: Then no you can't.

and they carry on fishing.

The grandfather then takes out a bottle of whiskey and takes a swig, and again the kid asks for some.

Grandfather: Can your dick touch your ass?

Kid: No

Grandfather: Then no you can't have any.

In the end, the kid is defeated, and takes out a piece of bubble gum and eats it.

Grandfather: Hey, can I have a piece?

Kid: Can your dick touch your ass?

Grandfather: Yep.

Kid: Well go f*ck yourself cos you're not having any.

 

___________________________________________

 

A panda wonders into a restaurant, and sits down at a table. He orders a big meal, and once he's finished he has a desert. Just as he's finishing up on his desert, a waiter comes over to his table and asks if he enjoyed his meal. The panda shoots the waiter in the head, and just as he is walking out, the manager runs over and demands to know why the panda has shot a waiter.

"Look me up in the dictionary" says the panda, and with that he walks out.

The manager runs into the back and looks it up, and here's what it says;

Panda;

Eats

Shoots and leaves.

 

Thankyou, I'm here all week smile.gif.

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CptPusheen
Dr.Killa, this is meant to be a joke thread, not a personal experiences thread. If you want to post here, grow a sense of humor.

im obviously inspired by Overmorrow and bartekxyz

 

Your joke was meaningless, mine was black humour - quite a difference wink.gif

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nerner

 

What is koala bear doing in burning forest?

 

he is burning too

Now that may have made me chuckle in a sick way. At Dr.Killa, I would give you a C for that troll. Must try harder.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde jokes.

She replied, ''I think they are good but they might be offensive to some mexicans."

 

 

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

 

A: A nun falling down stairs.

 

Q: What has an old lady got between her breasts that a young one doesn't?

 

A: Her belly button.

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