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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

nerner

Did you hear about the viagra for computers?

 

It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a 6 inch hard disk.

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chennaz321
And you may need to read this joke twice to get it

 

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

 

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a converatable and a private jet for his friend."

 

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertable."

 

 

I don't get it. Has it got something to do with the occupations notify.gif

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fiercedeity9

They're all gay.

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chennaz321
They're all gay.

Oh, NOW i get it biggrin.gif

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Emotion98.3

 

There's these 2 eggs, ones boiled and ones unboiled. The Unboiled egg is about to get into the pot of boiling water when the unboiled egg says to the boiled egg"Its gonna take a while for me to get hard, i just got laid by the chick next door" 

 

 

 

Thats all i got tounge.gif

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dumbledore

@ vercetti from page 1...amazing story, even tho i might be the only one who read the whole thing, nice job

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chennaz321
@ vercetti from page 1...amazing story, even tho i might be the only one who read the whole thing, nice job

It only really had a cheesy punchline at the end. Still, it was quite enjoyable to read.

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Dr.Killa

funny joke: whats 1+1? its 11 bcuz u add two 1's together!

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860
funny joke: whats 1+1? its 11 bcuz u add two 1's together!

the number one greatest joke ever posted in this entire thread

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nerner
funny joke: whats 1+1? its 11 bcuz u add two 1's together!

Please don't ever post in this thread again.

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Enjoii

You see a man walking down the road with a plank of wood, where is he going?

The board meeting.

 

 

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get drunk and the giraffe falls asleep. As the man goes to leave the bartender says "You can't leave that lyin' there". The man replies "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe".

 

Pretty awful icon13.gif

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nerner

That first one was so crap that it actually made me chuckle in a way.

 

 

The balloon family are in bed, during the night there's a thunder storm and the baby balloon is scared so he goes to his parents room and tries to squeeze in their bed.

 

It's tiny so he lets some air out of his dad but still can't get in so he lets some air out of his mum but he still can't get in.

 

Desperate needs, he lets a lot of air out of himself and then fits in.

 

In the morning his dad is furious.

 

He says "Son you've let me down, you've let your Mum down, but most of all you've let yourself down".

 

 

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

 

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

 

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

 

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

 

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".

 

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

 

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

 

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

 

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

 

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

 

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?".

 

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

 

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

 

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

 

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

A seal walks into a club...

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

 

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

 

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. He topped himself.

 

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

 

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

 

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

 

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

 

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

 

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam..."

 

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a-salted.

 

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

 

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

"Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

 

 

 

 

Even more terrible jokes!!

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Dr.Killa
funny joke: whats 1+1? its 11 bcuz u add two 1's together!

Please don't ever post in this thread again.

no man im gonna keep postin until u like my jokes bored.gif

 

There's a jewish guy, mexican guy and a greek guy, and they're all dead. and one day god says to the jew "if u promise to never pick change off the ground, ill let u live". he says ok so he's back to life. then he says the the mexican "ill let u live if u promise to never eat mexican food ever again" he says ok so he's back to life. then he said to the greek "if u never have sex ever again, ill let you live" he comes back to life. the three are walking together and the mexican says "man im hungry" and he goes over to a roach-coach to get a burrito. as soon as he bites it, he just died. then the jew and the greek are walking together, and the jew spots a penny on the ground to pick it up. both the jew and greek died.

 

whatsthat.gif

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Stink_Fist

Yeah, take nerner's advice. Since I'm here I'll post a "joke".

 

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian?

See you next month

 

dozingoff.gif

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stef_92

What Batman said to Robin before geting into the car? "Robin, get in the car!"

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Fnorg

So, a black man, a Jew and a Mexican walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "Get the f*ck out of here!".

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Shaunr

Why did the gangster cross the road?

because two brothas were comin at him with a baseball bat.

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makeshyft
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian?

See you next month

Hah!

 

I actually did let out a 'hah' at that one.

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Overmorrow

 

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian?

See you next month

Hah!

 

I actually did let out a 'hah' at that one.

Interesting, my verbalization was more similar to a kind of "eugh".

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makeshyft
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian?

See you next month

Hah!

 

I actually did let out a 'hah' at that one.

Interesting, my verbalization was more similar to a kind of "eugh".

Prude.

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nerner
no man im gonna keep postin until u like my jokes bored.gif

 

There's a jewish guy, mexican guy and a greek guy, and they're all dead. and one day god says to the jew "if u promise to never pick change off the ground, ill let u live". he says ok so he's back to life. then he says the the mexican "ill let u live if u promise to never eat mexican food ever again" he says ok so he's back to life. then he said to the greek "if u never have sex ever again, ill let you live" he comes back to life. the three are walking together and the mexican says "man im hungry" and he goes over to a roach-coach to get a burrito. as soon as he bites it, he just died. then the jew and the greek are walking together, and the jew spots a penny on the ground to pick it up. both the jew and greek died.

 

whatsthat.gif

Please take my advice, as no one will ever like them.

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Seachmall
no man im gonna keep postin until u like my jokes  bored.gif

 

There's a jewish guy, mexican guy and a greek guy, and they're all dead. and one day god says to the jew "if u promise to never pick change off the ground, ill let u live". he says ok so he's back to life. then he says the the mexican "ill let u live if u promise to never eat mexican food ever again" he says ok so he's back to life. then he said to the greek "if u never have sex ever again, ill let you live" he comes back to life. the three are walking together and the mexican says "man im hungry" and he goes over to a roach-coach to get a burrito. as soon as he bites it, he just died. then the jew and the greek are walking together, and the jew spots a penny on the ground to pick it up. both the jew and greek died.

 

whatsthat.gif

Please take my advice, as no one will ever like them.

I actually like that one, pretty good.

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DeeperRed

 

no man im gonna keep postin until u like my jokes  bored.gif

 

There's a jewish guy, mexican guy and a greek guy, and they're all dead. and one day god says to the jew "if u promise to never pick change off the ground, ill let u live". he says ok so he's back to life. then he says the the mexican "ill let u live if u promise to never eat mexican food ever again" he says ok so he's back to life. then he said to the greek "if u never have sex ever again, ill let you live" he comes back to life. the three are walking together and the mexican says "man im hungry" and he goes over to a roach-coach to get a burrito. as soon as he bites it, he just died. then the jew and the greek are walking together, and the jew spots a penny on the ground to pick it up. both the jew and greek died.

 

whatsthat.gif

Please take my advice, as no one will ever like them.

I actually like that one, pretty good.

Im going with Seachmall here, it was pretty funny. A better delivery would of made it funnier

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GTA3Rockstar
no man im gonna keep postin until u like my jokes  bored.gif

 

There's a jewish guy, mexican guy and a greek guy, and they're all dead. and one day god says to the jew "if u promise to never pick change off the ground, ill let u live". he says ok so he's back to life. then he says the the mexican "ill let u live if u promise to never eat mexican food ever again" he says ok so he's back to life. then he said to the greek "if u never have sex ever again, ill let you live" he comes back to life. the three are walking together and the mexican says "man im hungry" and he goes over to a roach-coach to get a burrito. as soon as he bites it, he just died. then the jew and the greek are walking together, and the jew spots a penny on the ground to pick it up. both the jew and greek died.

 

whatsthat.gif

Please take my advice, as no one will ever like them.

I actually like that one, pretty good.

Im going with Seachmall here, it was pretty funny. A better delivery would of made it funnier

Why not ask the Jew that one?

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Dr.Killa
What Batman said to Robin before geting into the car? "Robin, get in the car!"

wtf*ck

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Girish
What Batman said to Robin before geting into the car? "Robin, get in the car!"

wtf*ck

He's clearly inspired by you.

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Effy in Chains

I recently wrote a play for my local Primary school and had the children act it out. I have no idea why the parents reacted so negatively to it. I thought it was a superbly well written war/love story. This is the most moving moment in the play:

 

Fanny hasn't seen Dick since war broke out. Dick is desperate for Fanny.

 

Fanny: Dick!

Dick: I'm so glad you came, Fanny.

Fanny: I'm so very wet, Dick.

Dick: Yes, it is raining rather heavily at the moment. Shall we take tea?

Fanny: Yes, lets! I could do with something warm inside me.

Dick: An iced finger?

Fanny: I'd prefer to stuff myself with a spotted dick, Dick. Though feel free to have a finger yourself.

Dick: Oh, gosh, it's hard, Fanny.

Fanny: Hard, Dick?

Dick: I wish this damn war would end and we could spend every night locked in each others' arms.

Fanny: What about the navy? You've done such heroic things with your seamen.

Dick: They mean nothing to me! Every night I toss in my bunk thinking about us. I want to discharge myself over you, Fanny.

 

I have no idea why the children's parents were so angry...I thought it was very exciting.

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nerner
What Batman said to Robin before geting into the car? "Robin, get in the car!"

wtf*ck

He's clearly inspired by you.

Best putdown in GTAF history.

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Black-hawk

 

What Batman said to Robin before geting into the car? "Robin, get in the car!"

Gtaf's registration process should introduce a rule that bans <18 year olds and requires a passport scan so that each member's age can be verified.

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Nikofan112

Two guys were talking one day.

One says to the other "Watch out while your driving. When your at a red light, a naked woman might come up to your car and wash your window."

The other says "How is that bad?"

The first man says "While your distracted, a guy sneaks into the back of your car and steals your stuff!"

The second man replies "That's terrible!"

The first man says "Yeah, I got hit 3 times on Tuesday, 5 times on Wednesday, and I couldn't find them today."

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