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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Runey
@ chennaz321: we dont ban people for something like that

Whoa, didn't realize we had a new moderator.

 

@Vinny: That joke's old, but still makes me lol. tounge.gif

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nerner
orly.gif BOO!

Real joke in the sig.

icon14.gificon14.gif

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chennaz321
orly.gif BOO!

Real joke in the sig.

Thats off that ad isn't it? (The discovery channel joke)

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Orrish

I went to the church the other day and i seen that the swear box was missing, i asked the Farther and he said "some cu*ts nicked it!"

 

Man and his wife walks into a zoo, 10 minutes later he walks back out with a camel, apparently it's a better hump. turn.gif

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beanmike206

Kid walks up to his dad and asks him what a vigina is.

 

The father replies, "Imagine a beautiful closed rose, this is what its like before sex"

 

The kid says "Whats it look like after sex?"

 

The father says "Like a bulldog chewing mayonnaise!"

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Now or Never
Kid walks up to his dad and asks him what a vigina is.

 

The father replies, "Imagine a beautiful closed rose, this is what its like before sex"

 

The kid says "Whats it look like after sex?"

 

The father says "Like a bulldog chewing mayonnaise!"

Yeeeaaaahhh..... confused.gif .... lol tounge.gif

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poopskin

a blonde girl and a brunette girl walk into a elevator with a man in it. the man has terrible dandruff.

BRUNETTE: Someone needs to get that guy Head and shoulders!

BLONDE: How do you give shoulders?

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big_junior

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

 

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

 

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

 

Dearest Wife,

 

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

 

Your Loving Husband.

 

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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Shaunr
<snip>

I lold' lol.gif.

I laughed too, but because of how long it was

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makeshyft
Kid walks up to his dad and asks him what a vigina is.

Funny that, considering there's no such thing as a vigina.

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nerner

Chris and John went duck hunting for the first time. They took decoys, shotguns, and camouflage hunting suits. Before they left, a friend suggested that they bring a "dog to get the ducks." They took his advice and off they went.

As noon time rolled around, the other hunters on the lake were heading back with boats filled with ducks, while Chris and John had not a single duck.

 

Chris asked "What do you think we're doing wrong?"

 

John replied "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough".

 

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rmmstnr

 

...John replied "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough".

 

Wow! That's gotta be my favorite joke in this thread yet! LOF'nL, good work.

 

A blond walks into an electronics store, and asks a sales associate "how much for that TV?" He replies, "I'm sorry miss, we do not sell to blonds." The next day, she dyes her hair red, and tries again. The associate again replies "I'm sorry, we still do not sell to blonds." She tries again and again, dying her hair brunette, black, even green! She wears contacts to change her eye color, different outfits, everything! Finally, she asks, how did you know I was a blond? The guy says, "'cause that's a microwave you're asking about."

 

A guy is driving a car and runs a red light. The passenger says "hey, what you do that for?" The driver say "relax, man. My brother drives like this." He runs another red light, and the passenger says "what are you doing?" The driver tells him "relax, man. I told ya, my brother drives like this." The next light turns green, and the car screeches to a halt. The passenger now yells, "NOW what the hell are ya doing!?" The driver says "my brother might be coming the other way."

 

How is a blond and a mosquito different? If ya slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.

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PacMaan

Josef Fritzl has been commissioned to write a series a childrens books in prison.

 

The series will have 7 books and will feature such titles as:

 

Josef Fritzl and the Chamber of Secrets

Josef Fritzl and the Prisoner of Amstetten

Josef Fritzl and the Gob full of Cum

Josef Fritzl and the Inbred Prince

Josef Fritzl and the Deathly Dungeon

Josef Fritzl and the Girl Who Swallows

Josef Fritzl and the Philosopher's Bone

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Rhoda

Would've been funnier in order, but hey, I'm no Lee Evans.

 

What do old women and dog sh*t have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

 

A young woman goes to the vet with her Alsatian dog and explains what the problem is.

"Every time I bend over, he jumps on my back and, well, you know, does the business. Getting something out of the fridge, putting something in the bin, making the bed: every time I bend over, he's there humping away."

"I see" says the vet "I suppose you want him put down?"

"No, just clip his nails, please."

 

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

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Ultraussie
Josef Fritzl has been commissioned to write a series a childrens books in prison.

 

The series will have 7 books and will feature such titles as:

 

Josef Fritzl and the Chamber of Secrets

Josef Fritzl and the Prisoner of Amstetten

Josef Fritzl and the Gob full of Cum

Josef Fritzl and the Inbred Prince

Josef Fritzl and the Deathly Dungeon

Josef Fritzl and the Girl Who Swallows

Josef Fritzl and the Philosopher's Bone

Where did you get that joke from? Its hillarious!

PS: It's gonna be a bestseller, with quite a few movies made out of it.

 

 

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

 

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

 

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

 

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

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nerner

The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

 

I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

 

Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?

 

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

 

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

 

I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

 

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

 

What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

 

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

 

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.

 

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H

 

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

 

Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.

 

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.

 

What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.

 

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

 

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

 

Born Free… Taxed to Death.

 

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.

 

 

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KillerKabel

I see a George Carlin joke up there. ^

 

cookie.gif

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Ultraussie

Whats the difference between a Prostitute and a Laywer?

Prostitutes stop screwing you when your dead.

 

 

 

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I

heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What

is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened

rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

 

 

 

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his

father walked in.

"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

 

 

 

 

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defunct Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too

ISDN - I Simply Don't Know

 

 

 

 

 

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and

during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not

know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

 

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

 

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to

do it properly."

 

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You

must put it in here."

 

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then

gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for

what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and

screamed, "What did you do that for?"

 

"Tarzan check for bees."

 

 

 

 

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five

dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five

dollars from.

The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for

doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see

your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I

got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing

a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked

him, I didn't wear any panties today.'

 

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nerner
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I

heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What

is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened

rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

 

We have already had that one I believe.

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chennaz321
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I

heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What

is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened

rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

 

We have already had that one I believe.

I think that one has better delivery

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nerner

But it is still the same joke.

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Rhoda
But it is still the same joke.

Who cares? On with more jokes.

 

One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.

"How lovely, dear," she said, "what’s the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you." he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her.

"I’m awfully tired," said his wife. "not tonight."

 

Every night for a week Joe brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

 

"How adorable, Joe!" she cried. "But what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

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Ultraussie
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I

heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What

is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened

rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

 

We have already had that one I believe.

I found it on a joke website.

 

Oh well, here's another joke.

 

 

 

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

 

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

 

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

 

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

 

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

 

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

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2pac_96

 

 

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

 

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

 

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

 

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

 

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

 

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

This one is nice lol

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chennaz321

 

 

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

 

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

 

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

 

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

 

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

 

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

This one is nice lol

I loled. It is funny

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Effy in Chains

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

 

My 12 year old daughter asked me today "Dad, when did you first have sex?"

"18" I said "Definitely no earlier than 18."

Imagine my horror when she replied "Haha, beat ya!"

 

 

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nerner
Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

 

Terrible, but funny.

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Ultraussie

 

My 12 year old daughter asked me today "Dad, when did you first have sex?"

"18" I said "Definitely no earlier than 18."

Imagine my horror when she replied "Haha, beat ya!"

OMG LOL!!!!!!

Your Daughters Better Than You!!! biggrin.gif

Funniest joke ever..

 

 

My computer has a virus, so, just for the sake of it!

 

 

Oprah Winfrey virus:

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

 

 

Politically Correct virus:

Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

 

 

Government Economist virus:

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 

New World Order virus:

Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

 

Federal Bureaucrat virus:

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

 

Texas virus:

Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

 

Adam and Eve virus:

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

 

Congressional virus:

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

 

Airline virus:

You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

 

Freudian virus:

Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

 

Public Television virus:

Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

 

Elvis virus:

Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

 

Nike virus:

Just does it.

 

Congressional virus #2:

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

 

Star Trek virus:

Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

 

Health Care virus:

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

 

 

 

And you may need to read this joke twice to get it

 

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

 

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a converatable and a private jet for his friend."

 

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertable."

 

 

 

 

 

In Prison, you get more logic.

 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

 

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

 

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 

Edited by Ultraussie
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big_junior

This Canadian walks into a American bar and asks for a Molson.

 

The bartender replied those are rare here and I only have one left so I'll give it to you if you knock that huge guy over there out cold, calm the dog in the kitchen that has a tooth ache by ripping its bad tooth out, and then there is a 103 year old hooker upstairs that you will have to bang until she climaxes 3 times.

 

So the determined Canadian walked up to the huge guy knocked him out cold, makes it to the kitchen when the bartender notices a bunch of yelping.

 

When the Canadian walked back to the bartender, he asks where the old lady with the bad tooth is.

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