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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

nerner

Q. How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?

A. By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

 

Q. What do you get when you cross Rogaine and Viagra?

A. Don King's hair.

 

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery?

The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

 

What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

 

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or

more?

Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."

 

What's black and has 27 breasts??

The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.

 

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

 

 

 

 

 

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dinamodanci1986

A blonde was fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black. Now she's driving in her car down a road, and she stops when she sees a shepherd by the road. She then walks up to him and asks him: "If I guess how many sheep you have correctly, will you give me one?" The shepherd agrees, thinking she'll never get it right. But he's in for a surprise when the blonde says: "You have 153 sheep." But a deal is a deal, so he tells her to choose a sheep. After some thinking, she chooses one. Now the shepherd asks her: "If I guess your natural hair color, will you give me my sheep back?" The blonde nods her head. The shepherd says: "You're a blonde. Now give me my dog back."

 

Another one:

 

A man and his wife got into a fight, and now they're not talking to each other. After that, he remembers that he has a business meeting tomorrow, and that his wife should wake him up at 5 o' clock in the morning. He didn't want to break the silence first, so he writes a note saying "Wake me up at 5 o'clock in the morning" and puts it by the bed. The next day, he wakes up and realizes it's 9 and that he missed the business meeting. Now angry, he finds a note by the bed saying: "Wake up, it's five."

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.AshRemains

Some people call me racist, but racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

 

 

 

----

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

----

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

-----

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

 

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

 

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the man said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled

 

----

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

 

----

 

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white

stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't

know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did

and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other

zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are

what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black

stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

 

----

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison

 

----

 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

 

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

 

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

 

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

 

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

 

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

----

 

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

 

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

 

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

 

He said, "f*ck him, give him a dollar."

 

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

----

 

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

 

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

 

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

 

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

 

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

 

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

 

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

 

----

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rmmstnr

Why can't you find a killer in Arkansas? There's no dental records the DNA's all the same Has this been done here yet?

 

What do you say you wake up, it's pitch black in your room, and your TV's floating? Drop it n-----

 

Where do one-legged people eat? IHOP

 

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for grapes. The bartender, confused, says we don't serve grapes. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns and asks for more grapes. The bartender says we have never served grapes, nor will we ever. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns, but before he says anything the bartender, conflustered to the point of rage, screams: "if you ask for grapes ONE MORE TIME, I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!!!" The duck asks, "well, do you have any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck asks, "so, ya got any grapes?"

 

Similar, I guess...

A husband hands his wife a bottle of Tylenol. His wife asks "what's this for?" The husband, looking innocently puzzled and concerned, says "why, for your headache." His wife starts "I don't have a head-" He quickly says "Then let's f#@&."

 

Three salesmen decide to share a room at a motel while on the road. They discover they can all fit on the bed laying side-by side, and fall asleep. The next morning the saleman on one end says "wow, I had a dream that some woman was [email protected]&king me off." The salesman on the other end exclaims, "Wow! Me too!" Disappointed, the guy in the middle says, "Gee, I just dreamt I was skiing."

 

A man walks into a doctors office, and the doctor says, "Bad news Frank, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man says, "Thank God I don't have cancer..."

 

A guy gets "I love you" tattoed to his [email protected] He comes home and his wife say "stop trying to put words in my mouth."

 

A man comes home and says excitedly to his wife, "I've won the $110 million lottery, start packing!" She replies "Great, but what should I pack?" Her husband says "What do I care, just pack and get the hell out!"

 

A man walks into a bank and go's up to the teller, and old kindly lady. He tells her "I wanna open a f^@&in' bank account." Horrified, she tells tells him to "watch your language, or I'll get the manager!" He replies, "Then get the manager, I wanna open a f^@&in' bank account!" The manager walks up to him and asks "Sir, are there any problems?" The man says "Yeah, I just won a million bucks, and I wanna open a f^@&in' bank account!" The manager replies, "And is this b!$%h giving you trouble?"

Wait, did somebody do this one already?

 

I only get girls 'cause of who I am - A rapist

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Teqila

How about a one-liner?

 

These days an income is something you can't live without-or within

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Orange.

Great pick up line for all you studs.

 

"How would you like to get eaten out by a guy who likes to eat?"

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nerner

Have you heard about Natasha Richardson's new job?

She is babysitting for David Cameron!

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860

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

 

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

 

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

 

"Fricking A," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

 

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

 

"Come on in," a voice in the house says.

 

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

 

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

 

"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

 

"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

 

"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

 

"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

 

The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

 

"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

 

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

 

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

 

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

 

"31," she replies.

 

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

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Rawra

Nice joke, 860. Made me laugh. xd

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Menaced

I heard this joke on TV the other day, not sure what the program was called though.

 

It goes something like this, not sure if it is exactly like this:

 

 

Police found a dead mans body in a river in London.

The man only wore a Chelsea football shirt, and had no trousers or underwear on.

There was also a sex toy shoved up his ass.

The Police removed the Chelsea shirt to prevent the mans family from humiliation.

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Mister Pink
Some people call me racist, but racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

 

 

 

 

I'm not racist at all. I've got a coloured T.V.

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Runey
Some people call me racist, but racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

 

 

 

 

I'm not racist at all. I've got a coloured T.V.

Well, I ended segregation by getting a black and white one. icon14.gif

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DeeperRed
Some people call me racist, but racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

 

 

 

 

I'm not racist at all. I've got a coloured T.V.

Well, I ended segregation by getting a black and white one. icon14.gif

Hahaha made my day.

Good ol joke chain

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nerner

Racism alert:

 

What hits the ground first, an apple or a black man?

 

The apple, the black man got stopped by a rope!

 

 

Why are black people good at basketball?

 

They can run, shoot and steal!

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DeeperRed

Meh

 

Whats the most confusing game in Harlem

Fathers Day

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Ultraussie

Virgin Blue and QANTAS airline planes have been struck by lightning during a recent electrical storm.

However, JetStar was not concernced apparently, as they said "Cardboard is not a Conductor".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Has anyone seen the cutest little cubby house Joseph Fritzil built his daughter?

Its awesome man, I mean it, it has a TV, a kitchen, concrete walls, even a bomb proof electrical door!

Like, OMG I want one just like hers! Its a great place to chill out and relax I bet!

How much does it cost? Ummmm...... I'll just stick with the Daniel Malcom mystery basement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There have been some changes in the White House since the Obama administration has been in effect.

Defunct phrases include "Nation Building", "Axis of Evil", "No sir, the car doesnt need to go walkies for number 2's", and "Mr. President, the Telivision cant hear you!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child Pornography is a victimless crime, like Beastality, or underage sex!

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Barack Obama.

Why do you always find blondes footprints on the PC-screen?

 

-They're trying to surf on the Internet!

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Now or Never

The wife asks the husband can you show me whats a penis, he says: yes, come in the room and I'll show you. So he pulls his pants down and and the wife says:Oh its looks just like a dick but its only smaller.

 

 

 

Another one::::

 

 

 

Two doctors are laying in the beach and watching at some women in bikinis. So one of the docs. asks the other one:what do you think about her legs, they look good, the other doctor replyies:I

dont know I'm a gynecologist

 

 

And another one::::

 

 

 

 

 

A cop stops a car because he passed on the red light. So the cop says: Do you know that you have passed on red light?

The man says: Sorry but I'm a daltonist.

The cop say:The law is for forigners to

Edited by Now or Never

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Overmorrow
The wife asks the husband can you show me whats a penis, he says: yes, come in the room and I'll show you. So he pulls his pants down and and the wife says:Oh its looks just like a dick but its only smaller.

Nice joke but it's bad delivery. It doesn't make sense that a wife has never seen her husband's yoo-hoo before. whatsthat.gif

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nerner

Agreed, it works better if it is his daughter or niece or something.

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chennaz321
Agreed, it works better if it is his daughter or niece or something.

that what i was thinking. Still, might get a temp ban from some stiff mods

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860

 

Agreed, it works better if it is his daughter or niece or something.

mercie_blink.gif what!? no! a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

seriously daghters and nieces!? damn..

 

@ chennaz321: we dont ban people for something like that

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chennaz321
Agreed, it works better if it is his daughter or niece or something.

mercie_blink.gif what!? no! a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

seriously daghters and nieces!? damn..

 

@ chennaz321: we dont ban people for something like that

soz. Kind of a newb here

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nerner
Agreed, it works better if it is his daughter or niece or something.

mercie_blink.gif what!? no! a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

seriously daghters and nieces!? damn..

 

@ chennaz321: we dont ban people for something like that

Nope, it needs to be someone who seems innocent, like for example a daughter. As i would hope that my girlfriend knows what a penis is/looks like...

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DeeperRed
Child Pornography is a victimless crime, like Beastality, or underage sex!

How is that funny ?

Don't worry I am all for pedophilia jokes if that actually deliver on a good punchline but that is just crap.

 

You know my thoughts on underage sex: To young to talk

To young to tell daddy

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nerner

 

A girl says to her daddy:

 

"Daddy can i go to the prom?"

"Sure hun, but only if you give me a blowjob"

 

So she gives him a good blow for a while and then remarks:

 

"Daddy your dick tastes like sh*t!"

So her daddy says:

 

"I know; your brother wanted to go aswell!!"

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Gouveia

Why are the Pizza Delivering Guy just like the Gynecologist?

They can look at it, they can smell it and they can even touch at it, but they can't eat it, even if it looks horrible

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Quick Stop

Im getting sick and tired of black men hanging around my front yard so ima start hanging them in my garden from now on.

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nerner

 

Little johnny runs into his mother and says "mummy can you show me a magic trick"

His mother replies "sorry johnny i don't know any magic tricks go ask your father"

so little johnny runs to his father and says "Daddy daddy can you show me a magic trick?"

His father replies "sorry johnny i don't know any magic tricks go ask your grandfather"

So little johnny runs to his grandfathers and said "granddad granddad can you show me a magic trick?"

His grandfather replies sure johnny turn around and pull your pants down, now can you feel me thumb up your arse?"

"Yes i can" johnny replied.

 

"Look no hands."

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YESINEEDALOTOFHELP

orly.gif BOO!

Real joke in the sig.

Edited by YESINEEDALOTOFHELP

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