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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

Evil empire
Once there was a man that came from France to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."

Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"

And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."

Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."

Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"

The French guy said "Me me me me me me me."

The police said "Why did you kill him?"

And the man said "He stole my dolly."

The police man said "What did you kill him with?"

The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."

Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.

The police man said "any last words?"

And the French guy said "Plug it in plug it in."

Edited by Evil empire

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Lucius M. Galloway

Once upon a time I had this friend named Derek. So we had this mutual friend named Taylor too, and he asks if he could see a picture of Taylor, because I already described him as a big guy. So he gets the picture, and he's smacking his lips like a girl. So I finally asks him what?

 

He says "How many times does Taylor sh*t a week?"

 

I lost all sanity, I took off my headset and cried nonstop. There is a rare occasion where someone can make me laugh hysterically, and that was one of those moments I'll never forget.

 

I told Taylor the comment he made he asked, "why does another man want to know when another man sh*ts?"

 

Touché.

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Star-Lord
The Orville with Peter Griffin in command.


Sir waiting your command!?


Peter - Yeah, yeah. Go straight down two galaxies at the light make a left.

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Donatello

Chuck Norris once looked at Medusa. Now she's a statue at Chuck Norris' house.

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Star-Lord

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. New Year's Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. My New Year's resolution is 4K.

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Femme Fatale

An old man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned. For my sixty-second birthday, I went to a bar where I picked up two young women, and had sex with both of them three times over the next day."

"I see. How long has it been since you confessed yourself?"

"This is my first time, I've been an atheist all my life."

"What? Then, why are you telling me this?"

"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

 

Young Woman: "What do you prefer: breasts or legs?"

Old Man: "What I really like is a well shaved snatch."

Apparently, he is no longer welcome in any KFC establishment from now on.

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Donatello

It took Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes...

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Star-Lord
Posted (edited)

- I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.

 

- It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

 

- I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

Edited by Star-Lord

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Star-Lord
Posted (edited)

Let me tell you what really happened. Usually when I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. And One night I had some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, And I mixed them together. And I dipped my cookie and the sh*t blew up!

Edited by Star-Lord

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Evil empire
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Macy's.


-"Why Macy's?" asked the rabbi.

-"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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Star-Lord
Posted (edited)

Edit: Some Rodney Dangerfield Instead.

 

- My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

 

- My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

 

- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 

- Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

Edited by Star-Lord

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1972

My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least

 

 

my dad came.

 

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Star-Lord

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnt sure how to tell his spanking new bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful dog breath, which so far, shes been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.

 

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.

 

Recoiling, he says, Woof! Dont tell me you've eaten my socks."

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Tokasmoka

I dated a geologist once, she could get me rock hard but I often took her for granite. But that's in the past, now I am looking for a career change. I think I am going to become a fisherman just for the halibut. After all I can sure bait a hook, you don't earn the title of master baiter by playing with yourself all day.

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Donatello

Sometimes Chuck Norris wears a baseball cap so his eyes don't hurt the sun.

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Tokasmoka

When I die I hope to die in my sleep. As for the other 3 people in car well I hope one of them has the foresight to grab the wheel.

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Bruce Khansey

There's a guy who keeps on saying "18".

 

He wakes up and yawns, "18, 18, 18..."

 

He has breakfast, "18, 18, 18..."

 

He washes himself and gets dressed, "18, 18, 18..."

 

He goes to work and meets the doorman.

 

"Good morning!"
"Good morning John! 18, 18 18..."

 

He goes to the nearest bus stop when a guy sees him and becomes intrigued with this guy who keeps on saying "18, 18, 18..."

 

He follows him.

 

Guy waits for the bus, "18, 18, 18..."

 

Guy gets in the bus, "18, 18, 18...", the other guy follows him.

 

The other guy can't take no more and says: "Excuse me sir!"

The guy: "Yes? 18, 18, 18..."

The other guy: "Why, WHY you always say '18'?"

 

The guy points out the other guy and yells: "HERE'S ANOTHER GUY WHO DOESN'T MIND HIS F*CKING BUSINESS! 19! 19! 19!"

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Femme Fatale

A man who's down on his luck walks into a male brothel. He says that he's miserable, and could really use some cheering up. But all he has is two dollars, definitely not not enough to afford one of their male prostitutes. The owner feels bad for him, and says that they have a dead one upstairs that he can have a go at for his two bucks. When he finishes up and goes back downstairs, he says "That was great! But there was one problem. His nose kept running." The owner shrugs and says "Eh, he's probably just full is all."

 

Three men and a woman are stranded on a remote island. After one week, the woman felt so guilty about what she's been doing, that she decided to kill herself. After another week, the three men felt so terrible about what they have been doing, that they decided to give the woman a proper burial. After another week, the three men felt so terrible about what they have been doing, that they decided to dig her back up.

 

A man and his son are birdwatching.

Son: Daddy, what's your favorite bird?

Dad: The blue jay, son. Beautiful species.

Son: And what's mommy's favorite?

Dad: Definitely not the swallow. Or else I wouldn't be here with your nature-loving ass.

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Evil empire
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank god, I thought I had gone deaf!"

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Star-Lord

A boy asks his granny, Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?

His granny replies, f*ck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?

 

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, Do you still get horny?

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him,

Herman, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!

Heck,said Herman,

Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!

The other replies, Oh sure I do.

The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?

The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver.

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?

Edited by Star-Lord

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Femme Fatale

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

 

Cucumber. But I love the way you think. :]

 

 

A man walks up to another man in the street to ask for directions.

"Excuse me, could you show me the shortest way to the city morgue?

"Of course!" *Grabs him, and pushes him onto an oncoming car*

 

Conversation between a man and a hooker.

"How much for a handjob?"

"Two-hundred dollars. Want one?"

"Nah, I just wanted to know how much money I save whenever I jerk off."

 

A young man tries to be cute while flirting with a pretty girl at a bar.

"I turn beer into pee. What do you do?"

"I turn beer into golden showers and get paid for it."

 

Father: "Hey, son! What has four legs, and isn't alive?"

Son: "A chair, dad. Haha."

Father: "Nope, it's you pet dog, Toby." *holds up the dog's corpse*

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1972

Orgasms are like opinions

 

 

mine is more important and I don't care if she has one

 

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Star-Lord

Does anyone remember the comedian Yakov Smirnoff? When he first came to the USA from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

 

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What do ghosts smoke?

 

Halloweed!

 

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DarksunDaFirst

How do you get a nun pregnant?






























































You f*ck her.

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Femme Fatale

I saw my ex spitting on my food at McDonalds. I was like bitch, I ate your ass, this is nothing!

 

Father: You just lost your first tooth, son, now what did you learn?

Son: To not interrupt you when you're talking.

 

"You can't hurt me, my heart is made out of rock."

"And mine is made out of paper, hah! I beat you, bitch!"

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Evil empire

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she answered, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

!WARNING! This joke is extremely nerdy:

 

What is Jean-Luc Picard's favourite phone?

 

N-Gage

 

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Star-Lord

Short joke:

 

Hey man, do you smell that. Jimmy did you pass gas again?

 

[Jimmy] Nah man, that's my asshole talking sh*t again.

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Star-Lord

[Jew joke for funny purposes only, for lawsuits see my circus lawyer....]

 

Alright, so we at church [YouTube] and the Pastor takes a moment of silence and said "The Heavens will be covered in pure gold.

 

 

Minutes later... 20 million Jews joined the Air Force.

 

 

 

Why do programmers wear gloves during the winter?

 

Because it's code outside.

 

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