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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

DOUGL4S1

Note: Dad jokes are better when spoken out loud.

 

People say commas don't make a difference in sentences, but I don't agree:

 

"I want the boys, Sam and Joe to be very good."

"I want the boys, Sam and Joe to be in a coma."

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Donatello

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and a paper.

 

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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Evil empire
Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?


Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'.

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InstaNoodles

So, a Trump supporter and a vegan walk into a bar... I only this because they told everyone the moment they sat down.

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Evil empire

I didn't know there are so many jokes about my compatriots.

 

Q: Why do French People eat snails?
A: Because they don't like fast food!
Q: What is the Guillotine?
A: A French chopping centre.
Q: Which ghost was president of France?
A: Charles de Ghoul.
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.

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DOUGL4S1

I didn't know there are so many jokes about my compatriots.

 

Q: Why do French People eat snails?

 

A: Because they don't like fast food!

 

 

Q: What is the Guillotine?

 

A: A French chopping centre.

 

 

Q: Which ghost was president of France?

 

A: Charles de Ghoul.

 

 

Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?

 

A: He was declared to be in Seine.

Didn't know the French were masochists. I mean, there are various stores at every block that sells pain! Edited by DOUGL4S1

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Donatello

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

 

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

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Femme Fatale

"Hello, nine months ago I came by asking if you have any condoms, do you have any now?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Great. Shove them up your ass, and give me a pack of diapers."

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Neon_Dreaming

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says "I vish to buy sex vit you"

 

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

 

"Ist goot, but I must varn you I am a little kinky"

 

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

 

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

 

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

 

The girl finds this strange but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

 

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees"

 

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

 

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

 

She finds this all very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

 

The sex is fantastic.

 

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

 

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

 

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing...... what do you call that?"

 

"Ah" says the German...... I am an automotive engineer with Audi.....

 

"Four sprung duck technique"

 

Audi 1 - Jaguar 0

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Femme Fatale

Mother: A little birdie told me that you're taking drugs.

Son: Me? You're the one who's talking to birds!

 

Son: Mom, how did you and my dad make me?

Mom: Well, your dad planted a seed, and he watered and took care of it every day. Eventually, that seed gave birth to a plant that he kept taking care of. That plant grew and gave birth to flowers; your dad cut it off, we smoked it, he f*cked me raw against the wall, and you were the result.

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Evil empire

4. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Three. One to hire a Mexican guy and two to deport him when he’s done.

 

 

5. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

200. Ten to attach the bulb to the sun, and 190 to make the sun revolve around the Earth.

 

 

6. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

None. Change is evil and we should leave the light bulb as it.

 

 

7. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Just one, but millions volunteered to get rid of anything dark

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Donatello

What do you call an imaginary color?

 

 

A pigment of your imagination.

 

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Evil empire

What are the common points between republicans and snowflakes?

 

They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of them together they'll shut down public schools

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JON22

My life.....

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Carbonox

The other day, I got jumped by 5 black guys in Baltimore.

 

 

They got the car started but said I'll need a new battery.

 

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What do you call a Latin American girl who doesn't take a shower nor bath?

 

Esmellalda

 

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Femme Fatale

A woman tells her husband:

"Sweetie, I went to a doctor's appointment, and he advised that I should f*ck three times a day."

 

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's start!"

 

"I can't, he also advised me to not use home remedies."

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Evil empire
Why didn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?
Because she would have had to move into a smaller house.
How do you make Halloween great again?
By carving a Trumpkin.

Why does Trump love the poorly educated?
Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".

 

 

 

What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?
He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.

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Femme Fatale

A wife asks her husband.

"What would you do if the world was about to end in ten minutes?"

 

"We'd f*ck." :sly:

 

"Okay, but what about the other nine minutes?"

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AiraCobra

This is a true story told by a Judge but good enough to actually be a joke....

 

In a dissolution of marriage case I had issued restraining orders that, among many other things, ordered the elderly husband to stop bringing prostitutes into the family home or on that property. The husband proceeded to violate just about every one of the restraining orders. The wife therefore brought a civil contempt of court action against the husband for his alleged violations of the court’s orders.

The husband decided to testify in his own defense. His own lawyer asked the husband if the husband had brought any prostitutes onto the property since May 5th, the date the husband was served with the restraining orders. “No,” said the husband, “but I did bring my fiancée onto the property after that date.”

“Your fiancée?” asked the lawyer. “When did you get engaged?”

The husband’s answer: “The night of May 5th.”

And then for reasons no one has ever figured out, the husband’s own lawyer asked a question that brought down the whole courtroom:

“Is your fiancée still hooking?”

 

Edited by Ai®aCob®a

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Femme Fatale

A guy asks a group of friends, "How old were you when you first tasted cum?" One of them blurts out, "Four months in the womb, and it was my dad's!"

 

A woman walks into her husband in their bedroom, and a woman poorly hidden under the bed.

"What's that bitch doing under our bed?!"

"Under it? I don't know, but on top of it, she's magnificent!"

 

Dude tries to flirt with a girl.

"Hi there, is your name Google?"

"No, why?"

"Cuz you have everything I'm looking for, babe."

"Is your name Yahoo Answers?"

"No, why?"

"Because you ask stupid questions.."

 

Young man tries to coax his gf into sex.

"Let's f*ck!"

"Why do you have to say it like that? Sex is supposed to be a magical experience between two people who love each other."

"Abracadabra, open your f*cking legs."

Edited by Femme Fatale

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InstaNoodles

This guy walks into this bar and sits at the counter. He has a few drinks before noticing a jar sitting on counter, filled with coins.

He asks the bartender, "What's that jar for?" The bartender points to a gorgeous woman on the opposite side of the bar and says, "See that chick over there? If you can make her orgasm, you get every single cent in that jar."

Farther down the counter, he notices another jar, filled with coins and small bills. He asks the bartender, "Ok, what's that jar for?" The bartender points outside and says, "Outside, you might've seen a stray dog by the door. He has a sore-a** tooth, and if you can pull it out, you get every single dollar and penny in that jar."

At the far end of the counter, is a jar filled with just large bills, no coins. He asks, "Alright, what's THAT one for?" The bartender points to a big guy passed out drunk in a booth table, and says, "that deadbeat has been here for weeks, if you can toss his a** out of here, you get every single bill in that jar."

To get the courage to do all these things, he get's loaded, and after getting near blackout drunk, he stumbles out of the bar. Outside, all you can hear is the stray dog whining and wimpering in pain. Suddenly, it ends and the guy stumbles back in, and asks, "Alright, where's that chick with the sore tooth?"

Edited by InstaNoodles

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Eoghan

Two satellites got married, the ceremony was dull but the reception was fantastic.

 

I bought a dog from my local blacksmith, when I got home it made a bolt the door.

 

The other day I was walking my dogs and suddenly they vanished into thin air. I haven't found them yet but I have some leads.

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AiraCobra

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

 

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

 

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

 

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

 

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

 

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

 

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

 

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

 

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

 

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

 

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Edited by Ai®aCob®a

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Sunrise Driver
A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room.


Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?"


Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."

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Neon_Dreaming

I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

 

 

Laid in bed with the girlfriend last night when she said "I have a confession to make.... I used to be a Christian."

 

I said "That`s ok I have no problem with that".

 

She replied. "Oh that`s good. I much prefer being a Christine"

 

 

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighbourhood looking for odd jobs.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

She replied, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."

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AlienTwo

How does Trump Change a Light bulb?

 

He doesn't, he lies that he changed it and the GOP just sits in the dark agreeing that the light is on.

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Neon_Dreaming

How does Trump Change a Light bulb?

 

He doesn't, he lies that he changed it and the GOP just sits in the dark agreeing that the light is on.

From a few months back. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. Trump White House staff having meetings in the dark.https://m.mic.com/articles/167690/donald-trump-white-house-light-switches#.RvYHmxgJ2

 

Quote: "Aides confer in the dark because they cannot figure out how to operate the light switches in the cabinet room. Visitors conclude their meetings and then wander around, testing doorknobs until finding one that leads to an exit."

🙄🙄🙄

Edited by Neon_Dreaming

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GrudgefromSanAndreas

What do you get when a horse and a dog have sex?

 

a hog

 

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MuntyJack

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.”

 

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

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