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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

EvilFuture

Two lesbians and two homosexual men were in Georgia and on the way to Florida. Which couple gets there first?

 

The lesbian couple because they get there lickity split, while the homosexual men poke assed around!

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MikeWh
Just a joke off another website that I found quite funny, not trying to be racist here.

 

 

Dozens of homes were evacuated around a mosque in Walsall today, after reports of a Muslim wanking onto the pavement outside.

 

A police spokesman said, "We urge members of the public to report any suspicious Paki jizz."

Oh dear.

 

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The Armageddon(Temp)

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

 

1. What do you put in a toaster?

 

Answer: "bread"

If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2

 

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

 

Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3...

 

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these?? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

 

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane crashes from 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into East and West Germany) Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or "no man's land"?

 

Answer: You don't bury survivors

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

 

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London , 17 people get on, in Milford , 16 get off. Name the driver.

 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

 

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Wolvington

^^^ At least you could have hidden the answers inside a spoiler. I think these are brainteasers, and not jokes.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

 

Patient: "Go with the good news first."

 

Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."

 

Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"

 

Doctor: "Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Kiffster

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.

Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked he replied miserably...

"My wife missed the bus"

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.

If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:

"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?

When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...

When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...

When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...

When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"

The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

 

lol.giflol.giflol.giflol.gif

Edited by Werebot85

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Wolvington

Who's that actress who stabbed her mother? Reese . . .? Reese something?

 

Witherspoon?

 

No, with a knife.

 

------------------------------------------------

"I'm going to be the next Hitler. I'm going to kill all the Jews and one clown."

 

"Why a clown?"

 

"A-ha! See?? Nobody cares about the Jews!"

-----------------------------------------------

Edited by Wolvington

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Kiffster

 

Who's that actress who stabbed her mother? Reese . . .? Reese something?

 

Witherspoon?

 

No, with a knife.

smile.gif

 

What does Delaware?

 

I don't know. Alaska!!

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Aly Zaroon

To my asian brothers

 

 

Aik aadmi doctor ke pass gya aur bola

 

patient : masla khara hogya hai

 

 

Doctor : maslay ga to khara hi hoga biggrin.gif

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Kiffster

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

lol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.giflol.gif

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Wolvington

Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

 

A. To keep its nuts dry

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stinomontana

What do humans and sharks have in common?

 

all the great ones are white. tounge.gif

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Indi

What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

 

Tennish.

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GoldenBlade

"Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"

 

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise? "

 

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to WalMart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

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Kiffster

Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.

One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk.

He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.

He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.

People offered to help him, but he said no each time.

He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard!

You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"

"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there.

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Sneakerhead.

I was going to make a joke about Hitler, but you would Nazi the humor in it.

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Raavi

Two mormons walk into a bar.

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GoldenBlade

Q: What do blondes and barns have in common?

A: They always have cocks in them.

 

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A loaded rifle
^^^ At least you could have hidden the answers inside a spoiler. I think these are brainteasers, and not jokes.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

 

Patient: "Go with the good news first."

 

Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."

 

Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"

 

Doctor: "Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."

LMAO! Oh sh*t, that's the funniest thing I've heard in a while. Thanks for that man.

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MIGta

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

 

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." The foreman then says, "now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand by the time I get back."

 

A few hours later when the foreman returns, he sees that the pile of sand is still untouched.

 

Pointing to the pile of sand, the foreman says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

 

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom. You tella the Chinesea guy he inna charge of a supplies, but hea disappeara, and I coulda no finda him! "

 

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks, "Didn't I tell you to shovel that sand?"

The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but I couldna find him!"

 

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy.

 

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

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The Odyssey
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

 

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." The foreman then says, "now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand by the time I get back."

 

A few hours later when the foreman returns, he sees that the pile of sand is still untouched.

 

Pointing to the pile of sand, the foreman says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

 

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom. You tella the Chinesea guy he inna charge of a supplies, but hea disappeara, and I coulda no finda him! "

 

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks, "Didn't I tell you to shovel that sand?"

The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but I couldna find him!"

 

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy.

 

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

That hurt to read.

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Colonel_Buttfuck
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

 

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." The foreman then says, "now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand by the time I get back."

 

A few hours later when the foreman returns, he sees that the pile of sand is still untouched.

 

Pointing to the pile of sand, the foreman says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

 

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom. You tella the Chinesea guy he inna charge of a supplies, but hea disappeara, and I coulda no finda him! "

 

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks, "Didn't I tell you to shovel that sand?"

The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but I couldna find him!"

 

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy.

 

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

That hurt to read.

No. It did not. It was hilarious.

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MIGta

I was at an office party the other day and after a few beers i go on the dancefloor

 

They played the 'Macarena' so i did the Macarena

 

They played 'Twist and Shout' so i twisted and shouted

 

They played 'Come on Eileen'... I was asked to leave shortly afterwards

 

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Frenzzy

Q: What happens if you cut off your right butt cheek?

 

A: You'll be left behind.

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Crokey
Audi have discovered that they can increase the smoothness of the ride up to 200% by filling the suspension rig with Eider down feathers, they've patented this technology and called it the "Four Sprung Duck Technique".

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Chunkyman

How do you know Princess Diana washed her hair?

 

Because they found her head & shoulders in the glove compartment.

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kaisersoza_66

Q: What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

A: Christopher Walken

 

 

Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A: AIDS

 

 

Q: Whats Black And Has 27 Tits?

A: A Bin Liner From The Cancer Ward.

 

 

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

 

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

 

Oh, no: I never found her head.

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Kiffster

^^ LOL!!! Disgusting jokes, but LOL!!! lol.gif

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lil weasel

 

On 04 July 1776 America declared its independence from Great Britain...And since Apple didn't release any new products that day. It got a lot of media attention.

Happy Fourth.

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LeFox

I was was going to make a joke about gay guys, but cum on.

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Finn 7 five 11

This one's a shocker.

 

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Daniel Morcombe.

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