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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

gtathebest4ever

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

 

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

 

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

 

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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[MenaceMovies]
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

 

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

 

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

 

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

lol.gif That's a good one.

---

 

A man walks into a bar.

 

Ouch.

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Lost-Fender

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Edited by Lost-Fender

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tommy vs. claude

 

How was copper wire invented?

 

Two jews fighting over a penny.

How was the Grand Cannon formed?

A jew dropped a penny down the drain.

 

Why do Jews have big noses?

Air is free.

Edited by tommy vs. claude

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PacMaan

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

 

The librarian says; "F*ck off, you won't bring it back."

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GtaHitmanStrikesBack

A guy goes into the hospital and says ''doctor doctor its sore when i swing my arm''

 

Doctors Reply Well Don't Do It Then

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Seddo

Just got these texted to me...

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner, but doesn't tell the kids what it is. He says he'll give them a clue, "it's what mum calls me sometimes". The little girl screams "don't eat it, it's a f*cking arsehole."

 

Just been to MFI's closing down sale and bought a cheap wardrobe. Unfortunaltly as the Asian assistant was loading it into my car, i accidentally went into reverse and ran over him. Now that's what i call a f*cking flat Pak.

 

I was in Tesco today with two full trolleys of booze plus some party stuff, when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk, so i said to her "is that all you've got love?", she replied "yes". So i did the decent thing and said "if i were you i would f*ck off to another till, i'm gonna take ages.

 

 

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Quick Stop

Two dyslexics sitting in a car, one turns to the other and says can you smell petrol, the other guy replies i cant even smell my own f*cking name.

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GtaHitmanStrikesBack
Just got these texted to me...

 

I was in Tesco today with two full trolleys of booze plus some party stuff, when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk, so i said to her "is that all you've got love?", she replied "yes". So i did the decent thing and said "if i were you i would f*ck off to another till, i'm gonna take ages.

Now that one is funny as hell man

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Wanted Assailant

One time, I had a joke.

 

And it was funny.

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sananoutlaw

An irish man (ehhhh) walks into a bar & orders 3 pints of guinness. He then sits down and takes a sip of each one in turn until they're all finished. He goes back up to the bar and orders the same again.

 

The bartender says;

 

''you know, it's better if you order one at a time, they wont go flat on you''

 

The man replies;

 

''Oh it's okay. It's just that one of my brothers now lives in America, and the other lives in Australia, and we all agreed we'd each drink 3 pints at a time to remind ourselves of our drinking days togeather.''

 

The man becomes a regular face at the pub and each time he's there he still always orders 3 pints at a time, it's just a normal sight now.

 

One day he comes into the pub and asks for 2 pints of guinness. Everyone turns in shock, wondering what happened. The bartender serves him and nods polietly.

 

When the man returns to the bar a second time to order 2 pints

 

the bartender says;

 

''It's not really my place, but I just want to say sorry for your loss''

 

The man looks confused for a moment, then laughs & replies;

 

''Oh no, nothing like that, i've just quit drinking''

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

A blind man walks into a pub and approaches the bar. He leans over and says;

 

''hey bartender, you wanna hear a blond joke''

 

Everyone looks at him & Suddenly a voice to his right says;

 

''Excuse me sir, but just so you know before telling that joke. I'm a 6ft 2, 200lb blond woman. The bar'maid' is a blond women with a baseball bat, and the bouncer is a strong blond woman. Do you still want to tell that joke to us?!!''

 

The man replies;

 

Well obviously not, if i'm gonna have to explain it 3 fu*king times!''

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DeeperRed
An irish man (ehhhh) walks into a bar & orders 3 pints of guinness. He then sits down and takes a sip of each one in turn until they're all finished. He goes back up to the bar and orders the same again.

 

The bartender says;

 

''you know, it's better if you order one at a time, they wont go flat on you''

 

The man replies;

 

''Oh it's okay. It's just that one of my brothers now lives in America, and the other lives in Australia, and we all agreed we'd each drink 3 pints at a time to remind ourselves of our drinking days togeather.''

 

The man becomes a regular face at the pub and each time he's there he still always orders 3 pints at a time, it's just a normal sight now.

 

One day he comes into the pub and asks for 2 pints of guinness. Everyone turns in shock, wondering what happened. The bartender serves him and nods polietly.

 

When the man returns to the bar a second time to order 2 pints

 

the bartender says;

 

''It's not really my place, but I just want to say sorry for your loss''

 

The man looks confused for a moment, then laughs & replies;

 

''Oh no, nothing like that, i've just quit drinking''

Now thats funny!

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Fleckz

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

 

He bought a warehouse.

 

Ho-ho.

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DeeperRed
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

 

He bought a warehouse.

 

Ho-ho.

I read "dyslexia Plumber" first and was like how does that make sense, then reread and saw pimp

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H4milton

one day LADEN was sleeping with his wife

they were mating, once his wife said 'push inside'

but LADEN heard BUSH inside

the ultimate result was his wife was dead..

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Xo4

Best. Joke. Ever.

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Raindancer

Not quite a joke, but some top tips to help you through life....... so it would seem.

 

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

 

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

 

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

 

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

 

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

 

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

 

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H4milton
Best. Joke. Ever.

Which one which one?? colgate.gifcolgate.gif

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Skimask101

 

A boy asks a girl he likes:

 

"I'll throw you one hundred dollars on the floor and while you pick it up I get to f*ck you."

 

"Hell no! Make it two hundred and I'll consult with my boyfriend." the girl said

 

So the girl calls the boyfriend and says:

 

"This guy says he'll pay me $200 bucks to f*ck me. What do you say?"

 

"Ask him for $250. By the time you pick up all the money he'll barely get his pants down." The boyfriend replied

 

Several hours later the boyfriend grows impatient and finally gets a call from her girlfriend and says:

 

"What took you so long! IT should of been quick!"

 

So the girlfriend said "The bitch had all quarters."

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H4milton

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

 

lol lol lol.giflol.gif

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DeeperRed

Time is great teacher, unfortunatly it kills all its pupils

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H4milton

A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up.

Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together.

 

So she returned to bed without taking the drug.

 

Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway.

 

He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.

 

She said, "Honey, there's something I have to tell you."

 

"OK," he said, "but I already know what it is ... you ate my socks."

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H4milton

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

 

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

 

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

 

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

 

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

 

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?

I'm trying to take a sh*t!"

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Mike Tequeli

Don't double post Eeshan.

 

Decent topic, been done, not bad.

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H4milton
Don't double post Eeshan.

 

Decent topic, been done, not bad.

sorry........

 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

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DeeperRed
Stationary Store Moves

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H4milton

 

Stationary Store Moves

I'm sorry, but I dont quite get it dontgetit.gifdontgetit.gifdontgetit.gif

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copperwire93
Stationary Store Moves

I'm sorry, but I dont quite get it dontgetit.gifdontgetit.gifdontgetit.gif

A store moves?!

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DeeperRed

Neither of you get it so I am going to try again

 

 

stationery Store Moves

 

user posted image

Edited by DeeperRed

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makeshyft

In the case of paper and whatnot, it's stationery.

 

Wheras to remain still is stationary.

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