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Ultraussie

The Joke Thread

Recommended Posts

rhyn

How do you stop kids from playing on your lawn?

 

molest them

 

 

Whats the joy of riding 22 year olds?

 

theres 20 of them

 

 

Whats so great about riding a 3 year old?

 

you get to hear their pelvis crack

 

 

Too much?

 

 

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Gouveia

A blond women challenged a brunette one to see who would win a race from the top of the Empire States to the ground below. Who won? The brunette, because the blond had to stop in the way so she could ask for directions

 

--------------------

 

A brunette and a blond are watching TV, where a guy is at the top of the building. The brunette says "50 grand that he will kill himself". The blond says "50 grand that he won't". A minute later, he jumped off the building, and the brunette won the money.

 

A week later, the brunette, feeling guilty, went to the blond's house. "Look, it was all a recording, I knew he was going to kill himself sorry." "Oh, don't worry, I knew it was a recording too," said the blond, "but I didn't knew he would be stupid enough to jump again."

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PacMaan

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

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tommy vs. claude

Why is Ray Charles always smiling?

He doesn't know he's black

 

Have you seen Ray Charles family lately?

Neither has he

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DeeperRed

Why couldn't Stevie Wonder read

Because he was black

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Stig
LONG ASS POST

Sorry you're not Anuj.

Try again.

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Vercetti21

 

LONG ASS POST

Sorry you're not Anuj.

Try again.

Sorry you think I give a f*ck about your opinion, guy with 98 posts. It's a quoteworthy joke.

 

What did Hellen Keller name her dog?

 

AYEGGGREYARAR!!!

 

Why did Hellen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?

 

You would too if your name was AYEGGGREYARAR!!!

 

Why do Mexicans spread sh*t on the walls at a wedding?

 

To keep the flies off the bride.

Edited by Vercetti21

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K^2
LONG ASS POST

Sorry you're not Anuj.

Seconded.

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Seachmall
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Best one so far.

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SaintJimmy

Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the f*ck out of here".

user posted image

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copperwire93

How many mods does it takes to lock ranting thread in GTA IV PC section?

 

Answer

You just need CharmingCharlie tounge.gif

 

This is jokes thread so i'm not offending anyone.

 

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1ManArmy

So this thread is back from the dead AGAIN?

 

Meh, just to pass some spare time...

 

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

 

N-Non

A-Athletic

S-Sport

C-Created

A-Around

R-Rednecks

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jackel311

No offence to any jews, but here are my jokes...

 

What's the difference between a pizza and a jew?

Pizzas don't scream in the oven.

 

What's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew?

Santa Claus went down the chimney.

 

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H4milton

oh god, this topic is back, and i am back tounge.gif

 

 

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says... "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

__________________

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Drag_Drift

Eeshan! you're back. And you still suck. Water on mars.

 

A lady went to the store to do the grocery. After browsing through the aisles, she saw a deep box with frogs inside. "c*nt eating frogs" was labeled on each one. Trying her luck, bought one, and eagerly took it home. On it's underbelly, was the directions. "step 1, take bath and wear lot of perfume. step 2, sit in bed and place frog between legs. If malfunction occurs, contact store owner" The woman eagerly took a bath and wore a lot of perfume, and placed the frog between her legs. After a while of the frog doing nothing, she called the store to 'fix' the frog malfunction. The repairguy came, took the frog, and said Stupid frog. This is the last time I'm going to demonstrate this for you...

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Girish
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew?

Santa Claus went down the chimney.

Haha, this one gave me a good laugh.

 

 

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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GtaHitmanStrikesBack

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

 

To Meet His Flat Mate

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YoungJoe94

What did the blonde say when she was told she was pregnant?

Is it mine?

 

 

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GtaHitmanStrikesBack

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

 

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

 

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PacMaan

I'm wondering if jokes about the Australian bushfires would be appropriate.... or is it too soon? biggrin.gif

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copperwire93
I'm wondering if jokes about the Australian bushfires would be appropriate.... or is it too soon? biggrin.gif

Forget about your jokes! You will only expose yourself as jerk! They had a rough time mate!

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PacMaan
I'm wondering if jokes about the Australian bushfires would be appropriate.... or is it too soon?  biggrin.gif

Forget about your jokes! You will only expose yourself as jerk! They had a rough time mate!

And black people haven't? lolz

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rnz1369

What does a deaf, blind, retarted boy with down syndrome get for christmas?

 

cancer

 

A women is giving birth in a hospital and she is in pain,

finally the doctor gets the baby out, holds it up by a leg,

raises it over his head and slams it with his head on the table cracking its skull..

The woman screams: "what are you doing!?"

Doctor sais: "relax, its a joke, it has been born dead"

 

 

 

 

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makeshyft
retarted

Ohhh! Is funny because there no such word, jeah?

 

kekeke

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PacMaan

My girlfriend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

 

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

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rnz1369
retarted

Ohhh! Is funny because there no such word, jeah?

 

kekeke

dajjum.. he got me angry.gif

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GTArv

I laughed pretty hard the first time I read this:

 

 

There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy, honeymooning in Jamaica. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, "Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker."

 

John couldn't back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.

 

As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when heo was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.

Suddenly, a big Jamaican steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed.

 

So John said "Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too."

The Jamaican looked confused and said, "What makes you think that?"

John replied "Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo -- so you don't have a girlfriend named Wendy?"

The Jamaican laughed and responded, "No mon, that tattoo says, "Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day."

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Drag_Drift
I laughed pretty hard the first time I read this:

 

 

There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy, honeymooning in Jamaica. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, "Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker."

 

John couldn't back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.

 

As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when heo was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.

Suddenly, a big Jamaican steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed.

 

So John said "Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too."

The Jamaican looked confused and said, "What makes you think that?"

John replied "Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo -- so you don't have a girlfriend named Wendy?"

The Jamaican laughed and responded, "No mon, that tattoo says, "Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day."

Haha we have a local version of that, and it says "Welcome to Baguio City summer capital of the Philippines. Enjoy your stay, Mabuhay!"

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DreamsLieHere

This is pretty funny although it's fake

 

 

A man was about to go on a business trip overseas, and his wife was a sexaholic.

 

Afraid that his wife would cheat on him and would go on f-cking other men, he decided to go to the sex shop.

 

"My wife is a sexaholic and I'm afraid she would cheat on me...what do you have?" He asked the shopkeeper.

 

"I've got just the thing you need." The shopkeeper replied, and took out a dildo-like thing.

 

"That looks like any other regular dildo," The man said.

 

"No...it's special. Look."

 

"Voodoo Penis, the door!"

 

It began f-cking the door until it broke.

 

The man was impressed and decided to send one to his wife.

 

When the man was overseas, his wife was getting horny and decided to use the Voodoo Penis.

 

"Voodoo Penis, my vagina!"

 

And it started f-cking her hard.

 

Unfortunately for her though she was always orgasming and she did not know how to stop it.

 

She had to go to the hospital as the Voodoo Penis was f-cking her too hard.

 

On the way to the hospital, she was driving in circles as she can't drive properly while getting f-cked.

 

In the hospital, the doctor asked her:

 

"Have you been drinking any alcoholic drinks?"

 

"No," she replied. "However I've been getting f-cked by this Voodoo Penis."

 

"Voodoo Penis my ass," The doctor said, not believing her.

 

This cracked me up hard.

 

 

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Picolini

How was copper wire invented?

 

Two jews fighting over a penny.

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