She is Beautiful

[Ziggy455]

Everything I cannot have

 

She's beautiful; her eyes don't look at me like i do to her. Her beautiful ruby red lips matching her hair. I want to hold her and make her happy but I can’t, she’s not mine, she's my best friends.

 

I sit down and lean back on my chair, hating myself for feeling how I did for her. If my friend knew then I’d kill myself, I couldn't deal with the confrontation but still i couldn't stop myself feeling like this for her. We'd been good friends ever since she transferred school.

 

We'd spend many nights on MSN and such, just talking. That's all we did was talk throughout the nights, she'd usually end up in tears sometimes because of arguments with her boyfriends and such. I'd be there to comfort her as best I could, she was so beautiful and yet she'd been through so much pain.

 

She had an abusive father and she'd been misunderstood most of her life, but not by me; i truly understood her in all her beauty and perfection. We'd have deep conversations until 5am, on MSN once again but I liked it.

 

Then my best friend started to get paranoid on how we were with each other, he'd yell at her and he'd warn me but we weren't doing anything...just talking.

She'd get upset and say she looks at me as a best friend and I knew that she only looked at me like that too...They were in love and I was not a bad enough friend to jeopardize that so I let my feelings stay holstered.

 

People would always talk to me like, "Sam why don't you find yourself a nice girl?"

 

Truth is, she was the only girl I’d ever wanted but i couldn't have her. still now as I’m sitting here and typing this she is with her boyfriend and no matter how close we get, She'll never see me like that...

 

She is everything I want and yet everything is what I cannot have...Why can’t my feelings just go away? Will I always feel like this until I die? She is all I want and always will be…

[Oxidizer]

Very sweet. And realistic, and seems a little like something you've experienced yourself, I feel that much, so if you haven't then I salute you for writing a genuine story. I liked it.

 

Sorry I can't leave any quality feedback as I can't really relate to the piece as I'm incapable of loving anyone who isn't Oxidizer.

 

Good job though.

[Ziggy455]

Very sweet. And realistic, and seems a little like something you've experienced yourself, I feel that much, so if you haven't then I salute you for writing a genuine story. I liked it.

 

Sorry I can't leave any quality feedback as I can't really relate to the piece as I'm incapable of loving anyone who isn't Oxidizer.

 

Good job though.

Thanks Oxy, i gain Braggin Rites-Most of these short stories reflect my life in some value.

 

Thanks anyway man, keep lovin' yourself

[Typhus]

Truthfully it comes off as a little childish. Not your writing, your writing is quite sound.

But the whole situation is petty and meaningless and a little melodramatic. What I basically saw here was a highly-strung kid wanting to bone his best friends girl. Pretending to have feelings beyond his years.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like the guy's crying suicide over a schoolyard spat. Something juvenile and really rather pathetic.

But your writing isn't half bad, keep at it. You just need a good story to tell.

[Omnia sunt Communia]

This story wreaks of teenage angst, and doesn't seem to have any real narrative form; sorry for being so blunt, but I know you can take it.

 

 

She's beautiful; her eyes don't look at me like I do to her. Her beautiful ruby red lips matching her hair. I want to hold her and make her happy but I can’t, she’s not mine, she's my best friend's.

 

Only a few grammatical errors here, but I thought I'd point them out.

 

I really like this opening paragraph, it sets up the theme of the piece very nicely. I would suggest adding another adjective between her and hair, just to give that sentence and extra little pop. I'd also recommend changing the commas I highlighted into periods, to create a sense of regret, or longing.

 

There are a few grammatical errors here and there; forgetting to capitalize your 'I's and so on, but other than that I think you're defiantly coming on as a writer.

[Ziggy455]

Truthfully it comes off as a little childish. Not your writing, your writing is quite sound.

But the whole situation is petty and meaningless and a little melodramatic. What I basically saw here was a highly-strung kid wanting to bone his best friends girl. Pretending to have feelings beyond his years.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like the guy's crying suicide over a schoolyard spat. Something juvenile and really rather pathetic.

But your writing isn't half bad, keep at it. You just need a good story to tell.

I understand your view very well.

 

I didn't mean for it to come of as melodramatic or petty, it's not that the character wants to "bone" his best friends girl its the facts of wanting what we can't have.

[Typhus]

Truthfully it comes off as a little childish. Not your writing, your writing is quite sound.

But the whole situation is petty and meaningless and a little melodramatic. What I basically saw here was a highly-strung kid wanting to bone his best friends girl. Pretending to have feelings beyond his years.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like the guy's crying suicide over a schoolyard spat. Something juvenile and really rather pathetic.

But your writing isn't half bad, keep at it. You just need a good story to tell.

I understand your view very well.

 

I didn't mean for it to come of as melodramatic or petty, it's not that the character wants to "bone" his best friends girl its the facts of wanting what we can't have.

But wanting this girl in the romatic way. Kee-rect?

Which, for oversexed teens, often boils down to what they do in the bedroom.

Maybe it's my preconceived opinions but something about the dilema of the narrator just seems horribly shallow. Soulless even.

These are sentiments that are voiced so often and so shabbily that they seem worthless.

People painting their lust in different colours.