A Moment of Silence

[DeeperRed]

I thought I would psot this for a non teachers opinion. It gained a 100% mark and my teahcer told me that it was beeing considered as an example to be used round England next as an example.

Sorry for the crappy title but we were told to use it and there are a host of puncation and gramatical errors in this as the final complete version is on my school computer.

 

This was done in 2 hours.

 

Seriously sorry for the layout this forum puts it in from word but theres nothing i can do about it

 

 

A Moment of Silence

 

I sat on my bed; a drip of sweat fell from my eye lid and streaked on the floor. The Glock lay in my palm; with it I felt protected, like somebody was watching over my shoulder.

 

“sh*t, this journeys long” said a well dressed man.

“We’ll be there in about 20 minutes, listen to the radio or something”.

 

I looked at my watch, the hands moved slowly round the face. I gradually left my room, peering my head round the frame of the door. I rolled out into the corridor holding the Glock in front of me. Everything seemed to be moving, the flickering light caused the shadows of the furniture to dance around me. It was unnerving. I flicked on the music player thought it would help, but the blaring sound just made the situation worse.

 

“This song’s terrible”. said a man wearing a suit with a layer of body armour over the top.

“Shut up and drive”.

“I’m going to be driving for another 20 minutes, so I want a decent song to listen to”.

 

I looked out my windows, peering at the streets as many glowing balls of light shot by. You could say I was getting bored, I mean I didn’t want them to come but I was slowly filling up with adrenaline. I aimed my Glock out of the window, getting ready for the black panther to pull round into the drive. I would then let all sense go and fire blankly at the car, hopefully hitting the goons inside. I played the plan through in my mind; the bullets pierced the windows, obliterating everything inside. Seats were blown to bits, the dashboard turned in to headrest for the dead.

 

“I’m going to lay down for a while, have you got some sort of pillow”. says the well dressed man.

“Why would I carry a pillow around with me”

“To act like a silencer or something”

“I’ve got an actual silencer for that, were not amateurs”

“I know, I know but I’m just really tired”

“Just use the dashboard its soft enough”

 

I was now hitting impatient, impatient waiting for the hunters. I had a closer look at my Glock, to some people it’s a just a gun. To me it’s a work of art and a beautiful one at that, the way everything is symmetrical, the way it looks quite harmless.

 

“Holy crap, that’s an absolute beast” says the well dressed man

“Its a Magnum-Python .357, the most powerful handgun known to man”

“Why would you need this much power”.

“Case the hit’s in a tank”.

Both men let out a laugh, the armoured man hands the python over. The gun glows yellow as the car flies down the road with street lamp after street lamp illuminate the car for their brief time.

“Well I’m telling you, you do not want to be on the wrong side of you when you’re packing this bastard.”

“Hang on, what street are we on”. Says the Armoured man

“I think Rexton Street”

“This is his street”

The car slows down, the two men peer onto the streets looking for the nest of their prey.

“Are you sure we’re on the right street”.

“Yes it says on the note; 25 Rexton street”.

I move downstairs, I am not as nervous as before, I keep saying to myself.

“Maybe they’re not coming tonight”.

 

I open the fridge, the breeze flows onto my face

 

“Its freezing in here”. Says the well dressed man.

“Well then put the window up”.

“I can’t because your god-damn smoking is blocking up my lungs”.

“I am trying to get into character”.

“What, by poisoning yourself” .

“Shut up and look for 25”

“Were only at 3, speed it up a little”.

“No, I don’t want to shoot down this road, drawing attention to myself”.

“Ok I’m going to walk it then, at least I can get a closer look plus I won’t be taking in the contents of your death stick”.

The well dressed man exits the vehicle; he starts to jog down the road, his jacket, like a pendulum, swaying from side to side. He reaches into his top pocket to remove his weapon, but as his hand slides into the silk inside of his coat a jogger comes from around the corner.

“A bit dressed up to be going for a run mate”. Says the jogger.

“Well I’m late for a meeting and I left the car keys in my house”.

“A meeting at 10 Pm, what do you do”.

“I work for Mc Donald’s, I supervise the night shift staff”.

“Well there isn’t a Mc Donald’s for at least 20 miles”.

“Look I’m sorry to be rude but I’m in a rush, I would love to stay and chat but time is money”.

The well dressed man starts to jog again.

“Hang on a sec mate, which house do you live in”. Shouts the Jogger with an anxious accent.

“Number 25, pop round for a drink sometime”.

“Number 25, that’s Harrison’s house”.

The well dressed man stops in his tracks, the jogger continues to throw questions at him which do not receive a reply, except for the last one. The well dressed man reaches back into his pocket, grabs the grip of his gun, spins at 180 degrees and fires a single bullet. The joggers body, in a ragdoll motion falls and clumps on the floor. The well dressed man pulls out his phone, holds one for speed dial.

“We got a body”

“You killed him already!?”

“No, it’s a jogger”

“What the hell! Was it a misplaced shot!”.

“No, he was about to ring the police”.

“How obvious were you, waving your gun around”.

“No, he kept questioning me, he caught my bluff”.

“Get the body somewhere, then get yourself to number 25”.

“Will do”.

The well dressed man picks up the feet of the now deceased jogger, he starts to drag the body away, and his arms sprung up and down on the dull grey concrete.

 

I sat there finishing off my microwaveable meal. I was bored now, flicking through the TV, there was the choice between Countdown on Channel 4, Emmerdale omnibus on ITV, News 24 on BBC2 or an old episode of Never mind the buzzcocks on BBC1. I choose Countdown because I could at least stimulate my brain. I went over to the window, Carol Vodermans voice playing in the background which then moved on to the countdown music. I watched the dark outdoors, nothing was happening.

 

The well dressed man sprinted up the road as he passed numbers on the houses 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24.

“25”.

He stopped at the corner of the drive, He moved his hand back into his jacket again, he pulled out his silenced 9MM berate. He peered round the corner.

What was that, I saw a shadow at the corner of my drive, I got down, grabbed my Glock. The blood rushed through me. I looked up again to make sure I was right, the shadow had disappeared.

 

The well dressed man was now moving round the back of the house.

 

I turned as I heard a crunch from my window.

 

The well dressed man; crouched underneath the kitchen window, the light coming out produced a shadow of a man peering from the window.

 

I looked closer.

 

The shadow moved closer.

I noticed a shadow of a gun, I knew he was there; I stepped back from the window at a snail's pace

The shadow retreated, the well dressed man moved slowly up from his crouching positions.

 

BANG.

 

The well dressed man flew back against the fence; his once white shirt was now a chaotic red mixture. His gun rolled from his hand.  He pulled out his phone, held on again for speed dial.

 

“Aww I been shot”.

“Jesus Christ”.

“Where are you!”.

“I’m turning the corner now”.

 

I heard there conversation; I was ready for the car, my heart was completely full of adrenaline. I would kill this man, then finish off the other. I couldn’t wait.

The car came flying into the drive at full speed, it skidded on the wet mud underneath its tires.

I fired off. I could hear the ping of the bullet hitting the metal.

A bullet flew through the window.It hit the armoured man through the shoulder, in effect causing him to pull down on the steering wheel. The car spins off back onto the road ploughing into a street lamp which stopped it in its tracks.

I walked out to the car, Glock held high. A man dressed in armour clambered out of the door, he was drenched in red, I held my Glock to his head. But I couldn’t pull the trigger. Something deep down inside me stopped my finger from coming back. Instead I lowered the gun, picked up his. I looked him in the eyes, he didn’t deserve to die, I mean, If I killed him then I would be just as bad as him. Instead I said.

 

“You want me dead, I know”.

“Look, you might as well kill me or I’ll be killed anyway” the man said.

“I’ve got a better idea”.

 

I helped the man up, I brought him back into my house, I did the same with the other man. And we waited, waited for the next men to arrive to take us down because I was once in their position, as a again I stared out the window but this time with company and within this time of anticipation there was only a moment of silence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Canofceleri]

I don't see how the teacher gave you a 100, unless you're in like sixth grade which is unlikely. It is filled with grammatical errors and the sensory details seem very forced, and even though it seems like you try hard a lot with the details, they're generally worded poorly.

 

Sorry, just an honest opinion.

 

However, I would say that it's probably better than something a random member of the general populous could write... if that does anything for you. And, if you keep it up for years and years you will undoubtedly get better than this piece shows you to be.

[Eminence]

I too don't see how you managed 100% with this. The flow of the piece itself is let down in that much features large amounts of pretty standard and forced dialogue. Furthermore, the majority of the narrative begins with 'I' - 'I did this, I did that', for example. I, too, in my GCSE got 100% - and while when I look back at it now I can see its many weaknesses especially in comparison with the way I write now, it wasn't as riddled with simple errors and mistakes as this, which has errors beginning from the first line. I wouldn't get your hopes up over the whole 'using it round England as an example' idea.

[DeeperRed]

 

I too don't see how you managed 100% with this. The flow of the piece itself is let down in that much features large amounts of pretty standard and forced dialogue. Furthermore, the majority of the narrative begins with 'I' - 'I did this, I did that', for example. I, too, in my GCSE got 100% - and while when I look back at it now I can see its many weaknesses especially in comparison with the way I write now, it wasn't as riddled with simple errors and mistakes as this, which has errors beginning from the first line. I wouldn't get your hopes up over the whole 'using it round England as an example' idea.

Like I said the piece that doesn't contain any spelling/gramatical/puncuation errors is on a school computer. This is the 3rd draft.

 

The whole reason for the "I" at the beggining was to represent the shift from 3rd person to first, from Hunter to Pray.

The ending is crap I know but I had to hand the sh*t in. We had 1 week to do this corsework, I left it until the morning it was due. Got up at 6 and school started at 8:40 with english at 9:15.

 

I use standered diolouge, because there standered people. I am not going to have shakespearin coming from there mouths

 

anyway, Ive done better.

 

EDIT: Forgot to add I wrote this in October 2007, I was 14

Edited February 7, 2009 by DeeperRed

[Eminence]

It's a lame excuse to say 'oh but I do have a draft that doesn't contain these errors'. If so, why not find a way to post that?

 

You misunderstand everything else I'm saying. I'm not talking about saying 'I' to represent a person switch, I'm talking about complete narrative dictation, which is a poor way to tell a story. I present you this:

 

 

I looked out my windows, peering at the streets as many glowing balls of light shot by. You could say I was getting bored, I mean I didn’t want them to come but I was slowly filling up with adrenaline. I aimed my Glock out of the window, getting ready for the black panther to pull round into the drive. I would then let all sense go and fire blankly at the car, hopefully hitting the goons inside. I played the plan through in my mind; the bullets pierced the windows, obliterating everything inside. Seats were blown to bits, the dashboard turned in to headrest for the dead.

 

What's more, the phrase 'I would then' is slightly confusing with regards to tense, not being fully past tense within the same context as the rest of the piece. That's just a snippet of the 'I' that I'm talking about, too - it continues.

 

Regarding dialouge, yes, of course you're not going to make them speak Elizabethan English - that's nothing to do with the point I'm making, which is that the words they say seem cliche and unnatural; there's no sense of real character to them, it's just words that could be said by anybody.

 

Don't make excuses about having to hand it in, or how old you were. Writing is writing and it speaks for itself - a reader cannot look at the author's background or age to excuse a text's fallibility. A piece is what it is.

[DeeperRed]

It's a lame excuse to say 'oh but I do have a draft that doesn't contain these errors'. If so, why not find a way to post that?

 

You misunderstand everything else I'm saying. I'm not talking about saying 'I' to represent a person switch, I'm talking about complete narrative dictation, which is a poor way to tell a story. I present you this:

 

 

I looked out my windows, peering at the streets as many glowing balls of light shot by. You could say I was getting bored, I mean I didn’t want them to come but I was slowly filling up with adrenaline. I aimed my Glock out of the window, getting ready for the black panther to pull round into the drive. I would then let all sense go and fire blankly at the car, hopefully hitting the goons inside. I played the plan through in my mind; the bullets pierced the windows, obliterating everything inside. Seats were blown to bits, the dashboard turned in to headrest for the dead.

 

What's more, the phrase 'I would then' is slightly confusing with regards to tense, not being fully past tense within the same context as the rest of the piece. That's just a snippet of the 'I' that I'm talking about, too - it continues.

 

Regarding dialouge, yes, of course you're not going to make them speak Elizabethan English - that's nothing to do with the point I'm making, which is that the words they say seem cliche and unnatural; there's no sense of real character to them, it's just words that could be said by anybody.

 

Don't make excuses about having to hand it in, or how old you were. Writing is writing and it speaks for itself - a reader cannot look at the author's background or age to excuse a text's fallibility. A piece is what it is.

I am not making excuses for the piece just the crapy ending. I had to somehow throw the title in.

Personally I think the diolouge is perfectly natural. Its how I speak anyway.

 

But yea, everyone has there there own opinions.

And I can see where your coming from with the whole "I" meaning. When I am reading through it purposly looking out of the I's there does seem to be a lot of them.

 

I will probably post a short story later that won me a competiton, that if I can find the damn file.

 

[TonyZimmzy]

I got a B in English Lit., and you got an A+ for that?

 

Jesus.

[Typhus]

I got a B in English Lit., and you got an A+ for that?

 

Jesus.

Anythings possible.

I got an A on my A-Level when I had not studied the text. It was Chaucer and all year I had been doodling in my book or looking out the window.

So, exam time rolls around and my friends (Who have all worked very hard) tell me that I will not pass.

But a few big, impressive words later and I've got the best result in the school.

Face it Tony, examiners are fools. Any gibbering idiot with a slight grasp of the English language (Typhus) can pull the wool over their eyes.

[DeeperRed]

My teacher said the reason why I got 100% was because

 

The switch between 1st and 3rd

Prey and Predator

The fact that everyhting the prey does indirectly is linked to something happening with the predator

 

You have to remember aswell its all in comparison to other people. While I would call this an average piece, compare to most the sh*t that gets shovelled through its brillient.

One of my friends wrote about a McDonalds worker who raped his burgers

[Omnia sunt Communia]

This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I'm just going to throw it out there: I had an English teacher, for GCSE, who looked like Hugh Grant.

[saltinespike]

One of my friends wrote about a McDonalds worker who raped his burgers

Tony, do you know this guy? Slight misquotation on the rape victims (customers, not burgers), but that sounds quite accurate.

[Mike Tequeli]

You have to remember aswell its all in comparison to other people. While I would call this an average piece, compare to most the sh*t that gets shovelled through its brillient.

One of my friends wrote about a McDonalds worker who raped his burgers

To be completely honest, that sounds like an amazing story could come from that premise.

[Lochie_old]

Oh no, it couldn't be the return of our favourite anti-hero!

[DeeperRed]

 

You have to remember aswell its all in comparison to other people. While I would call this an average piece, compare to most the sh*t that gets shovelled through its brillient.

One of my friends wrote about a McDonalds worker who raped his burgers 

To be completely honest, that sounds like an amazing story could come from that premise.

Yea if he had written it more subtly d made sure there was a solid plot then it could of been good

BUT

 

It read it like an Epic Movie script i.e. Random sequence of stupid events that have no link to the previous stupid event

 

And Lochie please inform me what you mean on that comment

[Lochie_old]

I should of quoted Tony or Ryans post.

 

It's a little WD gem that you'll need to have a read of. I'll try and dig a link up for you later.

[DeeperRed]

 

I should of quoted Tony or Ryans post.

 

It's a little WD gem that you'll need to have a read of. I'll try and dig a link up for you later.

Thanks Ill have a good read

Edited February 8, 2009 by DeeperRed