The War

[GentlemanSquid]

 

The War

 

Chapter 1

 

I remember, the first bomb, the first war, it was in the year 1954, I was 6 at the time. Just 9 years after the Hiroshima bomb, the united states felt something was cooking when the Japanese started to get secretive and didn't surrender to the attack, the government started to deny nothing was happening and we were safe. My dad's friend who knew during the war knew something that he wasn't supposed to, I'll start me story from the beginning.

 

It was December, 16th 1954, just 9 days before Christmas, I was so excited; couldn't wait for what Santa had to bring. The last day of school before we broke up for the Christmas holidays, I remember waking up, my mum was calling me, I'll miss that sweet voice of hers.

 

As my dad was taking me to the car, I saw Jennie, back then I used to think girls were horrible – you know what a six year old boy is like – but not her; she was so beautiful, I sat next to her in every lesson we had together. When her dad was taking her to the car she had a kind of weird expression like she wasn't very well, Jennie wasn't in her school clothes, so I guessed she was going to the doctor.

 

Anyway my dad was about to drop me off, when Miss Kelso came up to the car and told us that the school was closed early due to a leak off some sort. Our trip back was the strangest as my dad bumped into his friend that I mentioned earlier; Dr. Carter, he was a nuclear scientist during the war. He jumped in front of the car and keep rambling on about the end of the world although my dad didn't believe him, he said that he lost it during the war.

 

Something deep down inside of me believe the Doctor.

 

I was relaxing and listening to the radio when a important announcement came on.

 

Today the nation is in trouble, the Japanese are coming overseas with a unidentified deadly weapon. We warn you to take cover and stay closed to you loved ones. If you have a bunker to take cover in, do so know.

 

It not be exactly from word-to-word but that's all I can remember from that time. My dad opened the curtains as he heard a noise everybody was gathered in the streets. They were surround the doctor. Me and my Parent's went into the street, the doctor said that knew the attack was coming that it was 9 years in the making, he had been prepared, he built a bunker that could house 40 people for 30 years – which was coincidence as their were 40 people in our street -, it said that it was in the desert.

 

 

 

C&C

Please comment about story or if there's any mistakes.

 

I need help, as this story, is a good idea of mine and i want to write it perfectly in words. I got a E in English last year.

Edited February 2, 2009 by gta_talk

[Vercetti21]

Is this based or inspired from Fallout 3? If so, you're awesome.

 

The grammar is really choppy. A vast majority of your sentences don't make sense, either because you're missing words here and there, or because of misuse/absence of punctuation.

 

 

I remember, the first bomb, the first war, it was in the year 1954, I was 6 at the time.

Well, this just doesn't sound right at all. Read aloud, there are too many commas in such a small sentence, which disrupts the flow of the story right from the start. I would recommend you don't try to cram so much information into the opening sentence. There are a number of ways you could fix this:

 

I remember the first bomb - the first war - back in the year 1952. I was six at the time.

 

I was six years old when the first bomb hit back in 1952.

See how those sentences read "smoother"? You're not constantly pausing to take in information, which is especially bad for a first sentence. Instead, you're hit with a quick fact and then the rest of the piece is used to explain and expand the idea.

 

Other mistakes, like "it not be exactly from word-to-word" and "she had a kind of weird expression", are just bad English. Overall, the piece is scrambled with these minor flaws and the long, drawn-out, flow-disrupting sentences. My advice to you is that you simplify your writing:

 

• Make sure each sentence contributes to the work as a whole. Don't throw in extra little details that cramp the sentences. Every sentence needs to have a point that will add to the overall theme and quality of the piece.
• Get your point across in as few words as possible. That's not to say you have to be literal about everything, but rambling and throwing in extra details often distracts the reader and disrupts the flow. Be precise and to-the-point.

Good luck with your next installment.

 

[GentlemanSquid]

Thanks for the help. I need help with grammar as it is my weakest point.

 

I will edit it with the advice you gave me.

 

As you said it is a bit choppy, is there any way i can make it un-choppy

and as for missing words i do that alot because i rush.

edit.

 

I remember, the first bomb - the first war - it was in the year 1954. Just 9 years after the Hiroshima bomb. The United States felt something was cooking when the Japanese started to get secretive and didn't surrender to the attack. The Government started to deny nothing was happening and we were safe.

 

Here's my story from the beginning. So you can know what really happened.

 

It was December, 16th 1954, just 9 days before Christmas, I was so excited; couldn't wait for what Santa had to bring. It was also the last day of school before we broke up for the Christmas holidays.

 

I remember waking up, my mum was calling me, so I woke up and got dressed, then rushed down stairs and ate my breakfast. 10 minutes later I was ready for school.

 

When my dad was taking me to the car, I saw Jennie, back then I used to think girls were horrible – you know what a six year old boy is like – but not her; she was so beautiful, I sat next to her in every lesson we had together, if she was in the playground, I would ask to join in with her games.

 

She didn't look to well when her Dad was taking her to the car, so I assumed she wasn't going to school perhaps the hospital.

 

My dad was about to drop me off, when Miss Kelso came up to the car and told us that the school was closed early due to a leak of some sort.

 

On the trip back my Dad's old buddy from the war stopped in front the car; Dr. Carter - he was a nuclear scientist during the war - he jumped in front of the car and keep rambling on about the end of the world, although my dad didn't believe him, he said that he lost it during the war from all the stress.

 

An hour later I was listening to the radio - my favorite show was on - this is were it all began, The show was interrupted with a special news bulletin.

 

This maybe from word-to-word but it's all I can remember from this point in time.

 

Today the nation is in trouble, the Japanese are coming overseas with a unidentified deadly weapon. We warn you to take cover and stay closed to you loved ones. If you have a bunker to take cover in, do so know.

 

My parents started to panic. There was noise in the street, my dad went to the curtains and opened them - standing in the street was the whole neighborhood – they were gathered round someone but we couldn't see, “Get your coats and boats on.” said my Dad, he walked out while me and Mum followed.

 

Dr. Carter was the one everybody was gathered round. “I knew this was coming – I sensed it all along – that's why I have been preparing, there's an old nuclear bunker near-by that can hold at least twenty people.”.

 

Twenty people may not be a lot but luckily that was how much people was in our neighborhood.

 

“There is enough food to last us 30 years. We haven't got much time grab all the stuff you can and be here in 30 minutes.”

Edited February 3, 2009 by gta_talk

[VCRules86]

thos seems interesting, with a little improvement on the problems mentione dthis could be something special

[Chunk]

No offence, but where in this story does it mention zombies?

Fixed, posted in error, cheers. - MK

 

But anyway, I like this story. Like it was said before, you just need to fix a few things and when you do this could become something that I'll greatly enjoy reading.

Edited February 15, 2009 by Masterkraft