flicko Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 (edited) ______________________________________________________________________________________________Kick, Kick! To the Scum-land... My nipples erect as I begin I take to the voyage like a Slug to table salt This isn't for me The Darkness ensues and the fear in me increases as I delve deeper into the night But still I carry on, to the Scum-land... I have no motivation, only inspiration The beast's roar inflames as it nears, attempting to engulf me It avoids me with ease My legs no longer belong to me, I can't do it But still I carry on, to the Scum-land... My head tells me to stop but my heart overrules I must do this Not for myself, but for the ones I hold close The ones, whom like me, do not contain the most coveted luxury the gift of life possesses So still I carry on, to the Scum-land... The end is close, my life has been washed away from me And then I feel it I leap to my feet faster than a Cheetah's sprint I've done it, I've done it! I've made it to the Scum-land... _______________________________________________________________________________________________ Props to anyone who can figure out what this about without looking below! The poem is about a blind man attempting to swim the English channel for his blind charity fund- -Scum-land- France! -The Beast's roar- The sound of a ferry/cruise-liner's horn (Highlight to read) As always, any C&C is most welcome. Edited January 22, 2009 by flicko Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxidizer Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Initially, going by its title, I thought this piece would be about chavs or something along the lines of football hooliganism. Evidently, I was wrong. Very interesting and good work. I wouldn't have gotten it unless I read the spoiler, though that's mostly to do with my brain capacity (or lack thereof). All in all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flicko Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks for the swift reply, mate. Glad you liked it. I was hoping it would mind-boggle somebody, and since you've got the least amount of brain capacity around, I had high hopes. You didn't let me down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lochie_old Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Ahh, I sadly had to cheat and use the spoiler tags, but after re-reading it again I think you've really nailed it on the head. "The ones who, like me, do not contain the most coveted luxury the gift of life possesses" Although I'm not 100% sure it might be: The ones, whom like me, do not contain the most coveted luxury the gift of life possesses" I felt the first comma split the sentence up and sort of wrecked the flow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canofceleri Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I enjoyed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flicko Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Thanks for the comments, glad you liked it. Lochie, yeah, after editing it to the way you proposed, it does seem to flow better. Cheers for the pointer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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