gastric bypass Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 (edited) this is my new story i'm writing. it's called GTA IV: John Smith's Story and it is a very good story, i should know, i wrote it. please read it because it is my first attempt at writing a story about my favorite game of all times: Grand Theft Auto IV for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. please review my first 2 chapters for me. i hope you like them. read them with your eyes please. enjoy! GTA IV: John Smith's Story Chapter 1: Bloody Murder john smith was a lonely man living in broker, liberty city. he worked at clucking bells and made chicken for people to eat but it wasn't really chicken it was horse testicles, the secret ingredient. it was a cold morning of january 18, 2009 and john smith was in his grey uranus headed to work at clucking bells. he came up to a red light and stopped. "boy i hope this light turns green soon" said john smith. a guy behind john smiths car started honking his horn at john smith and then crashed into the back of his car. "damn it. how come every time i wait at red lights do people crash into the back of my uranus. i hate this city" yelled john smith loudly. then the light turned green and john smith's car kept driving, even though the bumper was dented now. john smith came to an intersection and all the cars were lined up waiting even though the light was green. "why does everyone at this intersection stop at green light and go at red light?" wondered john smith. john smith honked his car horn and all the pedestrians on the street started running and screaming. "why do people always run away and screaming when i honk my car horn" wondered john smith again. john smith was almost at work now and he drove his grey uranus up to work now. he parked outside clucking bells and went inside and got into his uniform and went behind the counter and served people chicken that was actually horse testicles and made food and served more people and went to the bathroom and washed his hands and served more people and then left. john smith got back into his grey uranus car after a long day of hard work. he pulled out in his car and started driving home. the sun was going down and the city's skyline looked very pretty even though some of the skyscrapers kept popping in and out of view because of the draw distance. "liberty city is the best city in the world. the only one i can think of that is better is new york city" said john smith admirably. john smiths cell phone started ringing its ringtone that was the GTA III pager sound because GTA III was john smith's favorite GTA game and his cell phone wallpaper was the clucking bells one. he answered his phone and said hello. "hello" said john smith into his phone. "hello john smith, this is your girlfriend joanne smith calling you" said joanne smith into her phone that also had the GTA III pager ringtone but had the burger shot wallpaper and not the clucking bells one because joanne smith liked burger shot better than clucking bells. "oh hi joanne smith" said john smith. "i need you to come quick, i have a big problem" said joanne smith. "what is wrong, sugar plum" said john smith. "i think some man followed me home from work and he's outside my apartment trying to break in" said joanne smith in a nervous voice. "men follow you home all the time because your titties are out at work" said john smith. "but this time he has a gun and the baseball bat" said joanne smith. "don't worry, i'll be right over and teach him a lesson with my pumped action shotgun" said john smith. "oh, thank you" said joanne smith. "no problem" said john smith. "i love you" said joanne smith. "i love you, too" said john smith. "bye" said joanne smith. "bye" said john smith. john smith hung up his phone and quick made a u turn to head to his girlfriends house in south bohan. he quickly rushed north on the big avenue in dukes and then turned left and got onto the bridge that goes to bohan. he didn't stop for the toll booths because he was rushing fast. he got a one star wanted level but it went away fast. john smith just arrived in south bohan to his girlfriend's house. her house was the one with that guy that's always outside holding a bible saying stuff real loud. john smith likes to kill that guy every time he sees him but this time he was in a fast rush so he didn't kill him this time. once inside the building, john smith rushed to the top floor where his girlfriend's apartment was. he didnt see no man with a gun and the baseball bat outside her door. he knocked on the door. there was no answer. "joanne smith its me john smith your boyfriend, not the guy with a gun and the baseball bat, please open up and let me in, I'm here to protect you" john smith said to joanne smith at the door. once again there was no answer. so john smith walked against her door and it pushed open automatically. when he was inside he screamed bloody murder at the sight he saw. the sight was a bloody murder literally.... ....TO BE CONTINUED.... Chapter 2: Scene of the Crime ....AND NOW THE CONCLUSION.... john smith threw up vomit out of his mouth three times at the greusome sight his eyes saw in his girlfriend joanne smith's apartment in south bohan. her body was shot in the face with a gun and beaten and bruised with the baseball bat. there was blood everywhere and it was a very bloody sight. "oh no" john said and then vomited again. he vomited on joanne smith's body a few times. "noooo, joanne, if only i was quicker!" yelled john smith very loudly and then he vomited again. then john smith noticed the window was smashed in. "they came through the window, they must have" yelled john smith. john smith vomited out of the window when he was looking out of it and he noticed a ladder was going up to the window. and he leaned more over the window sill and saw a body laying at the bottom of the ladder. and he leaned more over the window sill and saw bloody fingerprints going all the way down the ladder. and he leaned more over the window sill and he fell out of the window sill. "aaaaaah" said john smith as he fell out of the window. john smith landed on top of the body at the bottom of the ladder and it cushioned his fall. john smith looked at the body. "could this be the body of my girlfriend joanne smith's killer?" wondered john smith to himself. he turned the body over and recognized the body immediately. it was the body of joanne smith's next door neighbor, mark smith. he must have heard the gunshots and came to check on joanne smith and found her shot in the face with a gun and beaten and bruised with the baseball bat and then noticed the window was smashed open, and then noticed there was a ladder at the window, and then leaned out the window and fell out and landed at the bottom of the ladder dead. "boy i sure am lucky this body was here to cushion my fall" said john smith. then john smith heard a noise above him and then a scream. he looked up and a body was falling out of the window. "oh no" said john smith, as he looked at the body falling out of the window. the body landed on john smith. john smith's body cushioned the other body's fall. the other body got up off of john smith's body. "boy i sure am lucky these two bodies were here to cushion my fall" said barack smith, the LCPD officer. john smith's body lie motionless on the ground.... ....TO BE CONTINUED.... Edited January 18, 2009 by gastric bypass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TECHN9CiAN Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 lol... funny. I like the irony of how you say it's your favorite game... quite misleading, since your story has a lot of complaining about the flaws GTA IV has. I can relate, though... "sugar plum"? I like it. Good job. I want more gore, though. You should make this into a youtube movie using multiplayer mode... Will someone do it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Branston Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Okay...I've gone though about five lines, and I'm thinking I may need to go through many, many more to finish reading this. Aside from the lack of capitalization, your actual writing style seems rather boring. If you're old enough to play a mature video game, I would think you would know better than to write something this shoddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gastric bypass Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 (edited) Chapter 3: Foot Chase ....AND NOW THE CONCLUSION.... john smith woke up out of his daze and the suns bright rays shined brightly in john smith's face and eyes. john smith stood up and got a cramp in his leg but it went away then. john smith's eyes looked over toward a dark alleyway and saw a shadow quickly move away. "the killer" yelled john smith. john smith rushed toward the alleyway running as fast as his feet and legs could run. john smith entered the dark alleyway and saw it was just a dead end. john smith noticed a homeless guy sitting in the corner of the dark alleyway eating out of garbage cans. "hey mister homeless man, did you see someone run through this alleyway just a minute ago?" asked john smith to the homeless guy. "no i did not see anyone come through here. good day sir" said the homeless man. john smith sighed and looked around but no killer was to be found. then john smith noticed the homeless guy had blood all over his homeless people clothing. "hey, how did that blood get on your homeless people clothing" asked john smith to the homeless guy. "i got a papercut" said the homeless guy. "how?" asked john smith in response. "from the paper that i eat because i'm homeless and don't have money to buy food so i eat construction paper and toilet paper and envelopes" said the homeless guy. "oh, i see, sorry to have bothered your business" said john smith. john smith was just about to walk away when his eyes noticed a gun and the baseball bat laying next to the homeless guy. "hey, where did you get a gun and the baseball bat from?" asked john smith to the homeless guy. "i got them by using weapons cheat codes" said the homeless guy. "oh ok" said john smith. john smith's mind now knew the homeless guy was the killer and john smith's mind was planning things. john smith's mind decided to pull out john smith's knife and stab the homeless guy in the brain and head. but the homeless guy's mind knew john smith's mind knew that the homeless guy was the killer of john smith's girlfriend, joanne smith. "hey john smith" said the homeless guy. john smith turned around and got hit with the baseball bat right to his facial features. blood came out of john smith's face and the homeless guy took off running. john smith pulled out his knife and gave chase. "get back here homeless guy, i know you killed joanne smith" said john smith and he was panting like a dog from exercising and running. "you'll never catch me, mwahaha, by the way my name's jack smith" said the homeless guy who was also panting and collapsed lungs. the chase went out into the street. jack smith ran across the street with john smith close behind chasing him. john smith got bumped by a car when crossing the street and he started stumbling and he didn't stop stumbling like he was drunk even though john smith was pushing the left analog stick in every direction. then finally he stopped stumbling and started chasing jack smith again. jack smith now had a considerable lead on john smith, but john smith didn't give up. jack smith climbed up the staircase to the above ground subway station. john smith went up the stairs too but instead of just running up he jumped up because the stairs climbing animation was too slow. suddenly john smith had a lucky break because jack smith tripped and fell. jack smith was quick to get back on his feet but john smith caught up to him and gave him a punch in his face because he had dropped his knife jumping up the stairs so he couldn't stab him he had to punch him. the fight was on and john smith had all the moves. jack smith tried to punch john smith, but john smith pushed the A button and he ducked the punch and then did a counter move that kicked jack smith onto his back. "die murderer" yelled john smith at the top of his chest and lungs. then suddenly jack smith pulled out a knife and stabbed john smith in the ear and eye. john smith stumbled back and jack smith took off running again. "you peanut butter cup face!" yelled john smith again at the top of his chest and lungs and the chase was on again. jack smith ran back down the stairs back down to street level. again john smith had to jump on the stairs because his going down stairs animations were too slow too. john smith caught up to jack smith again and punched him. then the sirens went and the lights flashed. the police saw him punch jack smith. "you'll be wearing your balls for earrings" said the cop that started chasing john smith who was chasing jack smith. the foot pursuit went on for a while and it was getting dark and rainy out. now there were two cops chasing john smith and jack smith, one was overweight and fat and the other one was normal weight and not fat. the fat cop ran out of breath so he stopped chasing john smith and jack smith and started eating a donut and then he ordered a hot dog from a hot dog stand but he bumped into the hot dog stand and the lights on it went out and all the condiments fell off and the umbrella fell down. the other cop who was still chasing john smith and jack smith was now closing in on john smith and jack smith. "i have visual on the asshole" said the cop to john smith and john smith was offended because he's not an asshole, he's actually a pretty good guy. then suddenly when john smith thought he was caught a police cruiser came speeding up and it ran over the cop that was chasing john smith and killed him. "that makes me happy" said john smith to himself but then his mind remembered what he was doing; chasing jack smith! suddenly jack smith ran up to a parked comet and smashed in the window with his elbow and got in and hotwired it and took off. john smith had to think quick. there were no other cars around to grand theft auto so he quick took out his phone and spawned a FIB Buffalo. john smith got in a FIB Buffalo and sped off, in hot pursuit of jack smith.... ....TO BE CONTINUED.... lol... funny. I like the irony of how you say it's your favorite game... quite misleading, since your story has a lot of complaining about the flaws GTA IV has. I can relate, though... "sugar plum"? I like it. Good job. I want more gore, though. You should make this into a youtube movie using multiplayer mode... Will someone do it? thanks for your comment. i know it is my favorite game of all time despite all its flaws like the ones in my story which there's gonna be a lot more of trust me. and there will be more gore too, I'm afraid people's eyes will be turned off of my story if there's too much gore though. Okay...I've gone though about five lines, and I'm thinking I may need to go through many, many more to finish reading this. Aside from the lack of capitalization, your actual writing style seems rather boring. If you're old enough to play a mature video game, I would think you would know better than to write something this shoddy. maybe you should read more than five lines of my story before you criticize it please. and how is my writing style boring? i want to improve if it is. Edited January 18, 2009 by gastric bypass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Personal pronouns are pronouns used as substitutes for proper or common nouns. All known human languages have personal pronouns. For example, instead of repeating 'John Smith', one would use the word 'he'. In addition, you can use different words at the end of dialogue to describe the speech - for example, one does not have to use the word 'said' to describe speech every single time. You know, you really shouldn't be allowed to play GTA at age 7. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gastric bypass Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 (edited) Chapter 4: Hot Pursuit ....AND NOW THE CONCLUSION.... jack smith's comet was going very fast down the road and it turned fast. john smith's FIB Buffalo could barely keep up because it wasn't as fast. "i will avenge your death, joanne smith" said john smith to himself. jack smith drove his comet off of a ramp and went sky high into the air and sky. john smith's FIB Buffalo went off the ramp too and the camera slowed down in slow motion because it was a stunt jump. john smith's car then landed and the jump wasn't good enough, but it had already been completed before. jack smith sped down an alleyway and did some real groovy moves so he didn't crash. unfortunately, john smith's car driving skills were not as good and he hit a tree and he went flying out of the windshield. john smith quickly got back up and got back in his FIB Buffalo and started driving again chasing after jack smith again. "this city is getting on my nerves" said john smith angrily. jack smith was laughing in his comet because he looked into his rear view mirror and saw john smith fly out of his FIB Buffalo's windshield and this amused jack smith so that's why he was laughing. john smith could see jack smith laughing and he got fumed and angry and mad. so john smith bust out the window with his elbow and started shooting bullets from an uzi at jack smith's comet. one of jack smith's comet's wheels went flat from the uzi bullets and suddenly jack smith was ridin' rimz. jack smith's car starting swerving all over the road because he was ridin' rimz so jack smith thought quick and elbowed his windshield out too and then cooked a grenade and then dropped it when he heard the beeping sound. "oh no" said john smith. the cooked grenade blew up a few yards from john smith's FIB Buffalo and john smith's FIB Buffalo went spinning through the air flipping and spinning. it landed upside down on its roof on the sidewalk with fire shooting out from under the hood and the two back tires. john smith quickly got out of the vehicle and starting running away. the FIB Buffalo blew up. "noooo" yelled john smith in tears as he watched the comet speed off into the distance and then it disappeared because it went past the draw distance.... ....TO BE CONTINUED.... For example, instead of repeating 'John Smith', one would use the word 'he'. In addition, you can use different words at the end of dialogue to describe the speech - for example, one does not have to use the word 'said' to describe speech every single time. You know, you really shouldn't be allowed to play GTA at age 7. you give me advice but then you call me 7, i don't know what to think. are you trying to help me or make fun of me? Edited January 18, 2009 by gastric bypass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Harmless joke, mate. I just figure that if you're 18 and legally able to play the games you'd know to put a capital letter at the start of a sentence, is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 A conclusion ends a story, not continues it. This story is awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I'm afraid I share Tony's sentiments; I'm not a fan, though for very good reason. the foot pursuit went on for a while and it was getting dark and rainy out. now there were two cops chasing johnsmith and jack smith, one was overweight and fat and the other one was normal weight and not fat. the fat cop ran out of breath so he stopped chasing john smith and jack smith and started eating a donut and then he ordered a hot dog from a hot dog stand but he bumped into the hot dog stand and the lights on it went out and all the condiments fell off and the umbrella fell down. I nearly ran out of breath reading this, and safe to say I wasn't reading it aloud. There's simply far too much going on, far too little punctuation and what's more, it's quite frankly dull to read if I'm honest. There are very basic ways to update this, and spruce up your story to make it more readable and entertaining for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gastric bypass Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) Chapter 5: Hot Pursuit, Chapter 2 tears streamed down john smith's cheek bones because he was sad and crying. "jack smith can't get away, i'll never get to avenge joanne smith's death, noooo!" yelled john smith. john smith sat on the ground crying and weeping like a little girl and then his phone started ringing so he took it out. john smith's phone asked him if he wanted to retry the mission so he pushed the A button on Xbox 360, or the X button on PS3. suddenly, john smith was back in his FIB Buffalo again and was in hot pursuit of jack smith again. "yes!" yelled john smith at the top of his lungs and chest. jack smith smashed the window out again and shot with his uzi again and the uzi bullets didn't go into the wheels this time but they went onto other parts of the comet car and so it started fuming black smoke and then fire started coming out of its hood and engines and back tires again. jack smith panicked and bailed out of the car. his body went rolling a long way until it stopped. "hahahaha" yelled john smith as he drove toward jack smith ready to run him over. but jack smith pulled out an RPG launcher out of his pocket and fired it at john smith's FIB Buffalo. john smith was lucky though and the rocket skipped off the road and went right under john smith's FIB Buffalo without harming it. but then jack smith fired another RPG out of his RPG launcher and this one exploded right next to john smith's FIB Buffalo and sent it flipping and spinning through the air and then it landed upside down on its roof with fire shooting out of its hood and back tires. john smith quickly got out of the FIB Buffalo and ran away from it and then it blew up in fire and flames and smoke. john smith quickly called the fire department with his phone and then the fire department came in a fire truck and they pulled up next to the flaming car and got out of their fire truck. "another prank call" said one of the firefighters. then the firefighters walked back to get into their truck again and drive off again but one of them bumped into the flaming FIB Buffalo and he lit on fire and started stop drop and rolling on the ground but it didn't work and he burned to death in agonizing pain and he was screaming too. then jack smith took off on feet again running again on his feet. john smith followed him and took out his pumped action shotgun from his pocket. "take this, son" said john smith like a hip hop man. john smith fired his pumped action shotgun and pumped action shotgun bullets went flying out from it and they hit jack smith's leg but he stumbled and kept running. "damn he must be wearing armor" yelled john smith. "i am" yelled jack smith. "damn" yelled john smith. at this point, both john smith and jack smith had their clothes covered in blood because they were shooting bullets at each other for a while there. then they stopped shooting bullets at each other and the blood stayed. john smith was sprinting for so long that he ran out of sprint and had to start jogging but jack smith was still able to keep sprinting so he gained a lead over john smith. jack smith had such a big lead over john smith so he stopped at a hot dog stand and bought a hot dog and ate it and it healed his health and made the blood stains go away from on his clothing. john smith was able to catch up to jack smith because jack smith stopped for a hot dog so now they were close together again and john smith could sprint again, but so could jack smith too. jack smith quickly hopped onto a parked PCJ-600 and john smith hopped onto another parked PCJ-600 parked right next to the PCJ-600 jack smith had just gotten onto. jack smith sped off with his PCJ-600 revving and making motorcycle engine sounds. john smith's PCJ-600 made motorcycle engine sounds too. john smith didn't like motorcycles because they were loud on his ear drums but he had to ride it because no other cars spawned on the road except for motorcycles since he was riding a motorcycle already. so the chase was on on the PCJ-600s. jack smith got a little too confident in his motorcycle driving and escaping from john smith skills so he did a wheelie and he leaned back too far on his wheelie and he flew off his PCJ-600 and got injured badly, but he did get his longest wheelie distance yet. john smith was speeding so fast when jack smith flew off his PCJ-600 from doing his wheelie that john smith couldn't slow down fast enough and went way ahead of jack smith. he was disoriented and confused and he hit a low wall and went flying off his PCJ-600 and landed in some grass. he was also injured badly just like jack smith. it just so happened the two of them were outside of the police station in northeastern algonquin. jack smith knew there was an annihilator helicopter chopper on the roof so he started going up the stairs to the roof. john smith followed him up in a hasty and quick and speedy rush. jack smith reached the roof and climbed onto the helipad with his legs and hands. john smith did the same thing. jack smith broke the annihilator's window with his elbow and got in and the propeller rotor blades starting going in circles like helicopter propeller rotor blades do. just as john smith reached the helicopter, it was lifting off into the air. with quick thinking, john smith grabbed onto the bar thing at the bottom of the helicopter that helicopters land on like feet and hung on for dear life.... ....TO BE CONTINUED.... Harmless joke, mate. I just figure that if you're 18 and legally able to play the games you'd know to put a capital letter at the start of a sentence, is all. okay, you only have to be 17 to play m games where i'm from and that's my age too. this is my writing style though, all lowercase, it's a unique style for me and i think it suits me well. A conclusion ends a story, not continues it. This story is awful. okay, i took your advice and took out the conclusion part by deleting it out. give me a chance maybe my story will get better, not everyone can like it though I guess. I'm afraid I share Tony's sentiments; I'm not a fan, though for very good reason. the foot pursuit went on for a while and it was getting dark and rainy out. now there were two cops chasing johnsmith and jack smith, one was overweight and fat and the other one was normal weight and not fat. the fat cop ran out of breath so he stopped chasing john smith and jack smith and started eating a donut and then he ordered a hot dog from a hot dog stand but he bumped into the hot dog stand and the lights on it went out and all the condiments fell off and the umbrella fell down. I nearly ran out of breath reading this, and safe to say I wasn't reading it aloud. There's simply far too much going on, far too little punctuation and what's more, it's quite frankly dull to read if I'm honest. There are very basic ways to update this, and spruce up your story to make it more readable and entertaining for us. i'll try to use more punctuation, okay? also, i try to make it as entertaining and exciting to read as possible with lots of action and stuff exploding and gore and other kinds of stuff that is action packed. isn't it working or what? Edited January 19, 2009 by gastric bypass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lochie_old Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Hate to break it too you but poor grammar and non-use of punctuation isn't a style, its a case of the "i-can't-writes". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxidizer Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Not to sound like a jackass, but you should use proper grammar if you can. It's just neater that way and is easier to read. Other than that, keep at it. You'll soon evolve into a better writer over time and with practise, and if you're having fun with what you're doing, then that's all that matters right? Though one thing I would suggest is this, that you try and think of different ways to describe thing so it isn't so repetative. And this: tears streamed down john smith's cheek bones because he was sad and crying. As cute as it is, I think it'd work better without the 'and crying' at the end, because it's pretty obvious from the outset of that sentence that John's crying. I'll be honest, I haven't read much of this other than the first paragraph, so I can't give you any proper feedback, so I'll just leave it at that. Keep writing this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omnia sunt Communia Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 This is a joke, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I'm afraid it is. Banned and locked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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