A story from the vice department

[Illousion]

Well, i was a little bored, so i decided to open up word and write a little. This is a story about Sam Evans, a vice detective living and working in Fort Lauderdale. He is working with a case with a murderd and molested nine year old when the DA is executed. He now has two cases on his mind, both waiting to be solved.

 

I myself am a fifteen year old from Sweden, so don't expect perfect spelling or proper locations in the story. I hope you enjoy!

 

 

 

 

Sam looked at his watch. Five to twelve. It was too late for this, and he knew it. Even the boss told him to go home. But this case had to be solved. It had been on his mind for over a month. It was a horrible case, too. Some freak had taken a nine year old girl from her home, and had then molested her in the Everglades. The abductor hade then left the body there; probably hoping an alligator or something like that would eat up the evidence. But uh-no, a news chopper had spotted the body. It was now four weeks in to the investigation. Sam slept horribly most of the time. He just couldn’t get it off his mind. Having children himself did not make things easier. His wife told him he should see a shrink, but Sam refused. He just didn’t think it would help.

- Hey Sam. It was Manny Rodriguez, just another Vice detective.

- What do you want, Manny?

- Well, seeing as you have been working on this case all day long, why don’t you and I go have a drink? You could use some time off this case, you know.

- You are probably right, Sam admitted. I’ll be the designated driver, though.

- That’s good, because I feel like getting hammered.

 

Jacksons was a nice bar, located in a quiet neighborhood. Sam sat there, having a fun time listening to Manny’s usual drunk stories and “You can call me Al” by Paul Simon.

- And you know what else?

- No. No I don’t. Sam couldn’t help laughing.

- Female drivers, Manny said. They piss me off. With their slow driving, and their make-up and obsession of looking like a god damn beauty queen. Manny was having a hard time speaking now.

- You know what, Manny. I think it’s time to get home now.

- It sure is, just don’t tell the boss I’m driving us both home, drunk like this.

- Don’t worry, Sam said. I’m doing the driving. Sam had to have his arm around Manny’s neck, just so he wouldn’t trip. Sam was looking for the car keys in his pocket when he heard Manny “half-shout”;

- Hey watch it, pal. People are walking here. He had bumped in to a younger female.

- Sorry ma’am, he’s a little drunk, Sam said. The young lady didn’t seem to mind at all.

- No problems, she said and blinked with her left eye. Wouldn’t mind someone as handsome as you bumping in to me either.

- Look at the hand, will you, pal. There’s a ring.

- Yeah! Manny shouted.

- There there, Manny. Let’s go.

 

Sam woke up at 5:36 PM. The phone was ringing.

- I’ll get it, he said. His wife was still asleep, it seemed.

- Yeah alright, she said.

- Yeah it’s Sam.

- Sam. Sorry to wake you, but I think you should come down to this rest stop here along Alligator Alley. A body has been discovered.

- Uh yeah alright. I’ll be there. Sam hung up the phone. Listen, honey, I got to go down to a rest stop along alligator alley.

- Alright. Just don’t be too long, darling. Sam got dressed and got in to his car. He’s car was an undercover Ford Crown Victoria. He pulled out of the driveway and started driving. He could remember the boss’s exact words when he let Sam use the car for private matters. “Treat it like it is your own.” Sam found it funny. He turned on the radio and cleared his head.

 

- Morning, Sam. Nice to see you.

- Likewise. They both started walking towards what Sam thought was the body’s location.

- Hey have you heard from Manny? The lieutenant asked.

- He’s probably hung-over. Me and him had a drink last night. He did the drinking though.

- Sounds like the Manny we hired. They were approaching a ditch were forensics were already working.

- Have a look, Sam. Recognize this guy?

- What the hell? Sam swallowed. Isn’t that the DA?

- Sure is. Hands tied around his back, mouth taped with duct tape.

- Handyman’s secret weapon, Sam said quietly.

- What’s that?

- Nothing, lieutenant.

- Very well. Anyway, he had three shots in the head. And one in the leg. Watch and wallet was still on him. What do you make of it?

- Don’t know. A guy like a DA and a judge makes all sorts of enemies. This seems to have been some sort of execution. Maybe he was taking bribes as well.

- Yeah. Why don’t you go down to the courthouse and have a look at his salary over the past months and see if you spot anything unusual there.

- I’ll do that. See you around, lieutenant. Sam was walking towards his car when his phone started making noises. It was a text message. “Remember to buy milk on your way home”.

 

The courthouse was a beautiful building, located in downtown Ft Lauderdale. Its old look combined with a modern interior was a perfect combination. Sam approached the secretary in the entrance hall.

-How may I help you, sir?

- Sam Evans. I am a vice detective. I need to speak to whoever manages the employee’s salaries.

- That would be a Mr. James Matlock. He is located in the office down the corridor on your right.

- Thank you, ma’am. Sam started walking down the corridor. A man, probably a Mexican immigrant was cleaning the corridor. Sam knocked on the door to Matlock’s office, and then immediately opened it.

- There is a buzzer, Matlock said irritated.

- Sorry sir. My name is Sam Evans, I am a vice detective. As you may have heard the DA, Adam Davis was found dead this morning.

 

Don't expect a continuing either.

 

 

[Omnia sunt Communia]

I read the first chapter, and I just had to stop. While the story itself is not bad, the way you are telling it is. There is no description and very little formatting. The sentences are all, very short, which makes it read through like a list of instructions rather than a flowing story.

 

For example:

 

 

Sam looked at his watch. Five to twelve. It was too late for this, and he knew it. Even the boss told him to go home. But this case had to be solved. It had been on his mind for over a month. It was a horrible case, too. Some freak had taken a nine year old girl from her home, and had then molested her in the Everglades.

 

Could become:

 

 

Sam looked at his watch; five to twelve. It was too late for this, and he knew it, even the boss told him to go home. But this case had to be solved, it had been on his mind for over a month. It was a horrible case, too. Some freak had taken a nine year old girl from her home, and had then molested her in the Everglades.

 

See how it flows a lot better now? You're not stopping every second when you hit a period. The story takes on a more natural pattern, which will help relax your reader into the tale.

 

I will go over description with you in a second. The other major thing I noticed was your lack of proper formatting in regards to dialogue. Every piece of speech should begin with speech marks (") and end with them too.

 

For example:

 

 

- Hey Sam. It was Manny Rodriguez, just another Vice detective.

- What do you want, Manny?

- Well, seeing as you have been working on this case all day long, why don’t you and I go have a drink? You could use some time off this case, you know.

- You are probably right, Sam admitted. I’ll be the designated driver, though.

- That’s good, because I feel like getting hammered.

 

Should be:

 

 

"Hey Sam," It was Manny Rodriguez, just another Vice detective.

"What do you want, Manny?"

"Well, seeing as you have been working on this case all day long, why don’t you and I go have a drink? You could use some time off this case, you know."

"You are probably right, Sam admitted. I’ll be the designated driver, though."

"That’s good, because I feel like getting hammered."

 

While this has significantly imporved the speech, it is still bland and without character. Try adding some description into your dialogue. Explain how the characters said it, what they were doing as they said it etc.

 

For example:

 

 

"Hey Sam," It was Manny Rodriguez, just another Vice detective.

"What do you want, Manny?"

"Well, seeing as you have been working on this case all day long, why don’t you and I go have a drink?" Manny suggested, "You could use some time off this case, you know."

"You are probably right, Sam admitted. I’ll be the designated driver, though."

"That’s good, because I feel like getting hammered," Sam chuckled.

 

I only included four extra words into that piece of dialogue, but it still manages to make it seem a lot more real and descriptive.

[Illousion]

I read you, pal. Gonna keep it in mind. Thanks