Till Death Do Us Part

[Omnia sunt Communia]

This is the first draft of chapter one of my zombie romance novel: Till Death Do Us Part. Please read and critique. Don't be afraid to point out any flaws or whatever.

 

Chapter One

 

• Lionel didn’t like to travel with her in the car. It wasn’t that he disliked her, in fact, quite the opposite. When he traveled with her, he found it almost impossible to keep his eyes on the road. Her beauty was breath-taking. Every now and again his gaze would slowly wander across to her. Lionel would look her up and down, admiring every small detail that helped to make her perfect.

 

“You should really keep your eyes on the road sweetie,” she smiled.

 

He turned his head back towards the road quickly, “I’m sorry Judy,” he replied, “It’s just, just; you’re so beautiful. I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

 

Judy placed her hand on his leg, her cheeks turning a deep shade of red. “Aren’t you just the sweetest thing? Its times like these that remind me why I agreed to marry you in the first place.”

 

“Well, I’m just sorry we don’t have enough money for a big fancy wedding,” Lionel sighed.

 

“Don’t worry about that love,” Judy said, “The only thing that matters is that we’re together.” She tightened her grip on her leg and looked him in the eyes, “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

The radio crackled violently. Loud static began to interrupt the broadcast, “Must be leaving the county,” Lionel explained, “Loosing signal.” He started to fiddle with the dials on the dashboard. Turning it back and fourth, he searched the stations, frantically looking for something worth listening to. His eyes slowly drifted off of the road towards the knob.

 

“Watch out!” Judy screamed.

 

Lionel poked his head back up over the dashboard just in time to see a car careering towards them. He pulled on the steering wheel harshly, sending the vehicle veering off into the embankment on the side of the road. The sedan crashed into the banking, sending Lionel and Judy shooting forward in their seats. Their seatbelts clung on to them for dear life as their car mounted the mound.

 

Gripping the steering wheel tightly, Lionel sat back in his seat. His heart was racing; beating a thousand times a second. He looked over at his fiancée. She lay motionless, slumped over the dashboard, her arms above her head. Fearing the worst Lionel reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder. Shaking her softly he called her name quietly.

 

“Judy,” he spoke softly, fear still gripping him, not allowing him to speak any louder, “Judy.” Panic began to set in. “Judy!”

 

He shook her violently. She let out a moan; a sign of life. Lionel sighed with relief as Judy lifted herself off the dashboard. “Are you okay?” Lionel said immediately.

 

“I-I’m fine,” she replied, “Just a little shaken.”

 

Lionel grinned nervously, “I’m sorry about that.” “I must learn to keep my eyes on the road… At least you’re alright. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 

Judy sat up in her chair and smiled at her fiancée. No matter what he did, he could do no wrong in her eyes. “Now,” Lionel continued, “Let’s get to that church before they start without us!” Pulling back out onto the road, he put his foot down on the accelerator and headed towards the wedding.

 

“We’re going to be late,” Judy muttered under her breath. She glanced over at the clock in the dashboard of the car.

 

“Don’t worry,” he replied, “The church is booked all-day, and I doubt they’re really going to start without us. Besides, the only thing we can be late for is our plane to Hawaii, and that isn’t until tomorrow!”

 

“I guess you’re right.”

 

As Lionel continued down the street, he made sure to pay extra attention to the road ahead. He wasn’t about to let another accident like the one back there stop him from marrying the woman he loved. Not now. He was too close. The church was only a few minutes away. He could see it now. All their friends and family lined up outside, people throwing confetti, and those words that he’d been longing to hear ever since he met Judy: “I do.”

 

He looked over at her again. Admiring her beauty and everything else that made her so perfect. It wouldn’t be long now. It wouldn’t be long and she would be Mrs. Lionel Smith. She would be his wife, and he would be the happiest person in the world. “Judy?”

 

“Yes Lionel.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you t-“

 

Lionel watched in horror. Almost as if in slow motion as her body was flung forward and into the dashboard once again; this time with a lot more force. Before he had time to react, he felt the cold plastic of the steering wheel against the side of his face. He bounced off of the front of the car and landed back in his seat. His vision was blurred, and the only thing he could feel was a large throbbing pain in the front of his head. Turning his attention to the road, where it should have been all along, he noticed a large tanker parked at the side of the street.

 

He’d hit it.

 

He could feel the world getting darker around him. The pain in his head grew, and spread across his body. Looking over at Judy, he could see no signs of life. He tried to reach over to her, but his arms would not move. He tried to speak to her, but his mouth would not talk. He could only watch as the rear of the tanker crushed her fragile body against her seat.

 

Tears formed in his eyes. He tried again to move. But it was no use. He closed his eyes, and then, only darkness.

[Ziggy455]

Hehehe started your own Zombie story eh? Good on ya'

 

I like how this story had been set out so far, You had me going the first time she moaned

 

Although Its you should given a apostraphe.

 

 

Its times like these that remind me why I agreed to marry you in the first place.”

 

It should be,

It's times like these that remind me why I agreed to marry you in the first place.”

 

Sorry for the most f*ckin' borin' Criticism ever but you're too good a writer for me to find any big flaws.

 

I'll keep readin'

 

 

Nice start dude

Edited January 8, 2009 by Ziggy455

[ToyMachine]

This is good and it would even be good as a stand alone piece of writing. Don't ruin it!

[Oxidizer]

As first drafts go it doesn't suck. Very good work.

 

One thing I would suggest immediately is that instead of using so much dialogue to tell us how much they're in love, I'd describe it (I really fail at explaining things sadly but I know what I'm saying will make it work better).

 

Example:

 

 

“Well, I’m just sorry we don’t have enough money for a big fancy wedding,” Lionel sighed.

 

After Lionel sighs, I'd elaborate on things a little. On what kind of wedding they idealy would've wanted and maybe the feeling of disappointment of not being able to have those things due to the money side of things. Really bring these characters to life (heh, so to speak!), have their conversations be real and true to their character. Bring out their personalities in the way they speak and what they're doing, how they're doing them. Just little traits can do wonders.

 

But all that could be a bit moot seeing as, and I'm only assuming here, that the actual story is the zombie part, but I just feel that if you make your characters (the wife especially) as human as possible you'll get a much better payoff once she zombifies.

[Eminence]

A very effective start - so effective, in fact, that as ToyMachine's stated, it could even work as a standalone piece. But I digress - it's started to capture their relationship really well, and from what you've told me about the plot so far, it's an excellent start that should do the rest justice; you've established it well right from the get-go. Nice job, man, and I'm glad to see that you got it done! Good one.