Ziggy455 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 (edited) Abusive. 1/2 I was standing outside the large dormitory, the campus was pretty quiet at night, i liked it that way. I sparked up a cigarette and watched as the smoke formed shapes in the cold air, Peaceful... It was nice to be away from the chaotic troubles of the jocks arguing who had the biggest jock strap or the girls talking about which one had the bigger dick. The moon was visible by now, Round and full. It would be easy to just stand there all night here, I know it sounds stupid but it felt like my "Zen garden". Suddenly i noticed a girl walking up a pathway close to me; she was wearing a black jacket and a miniskirt. She had medium blonde hair, she had a nice face but mascara tears were down it, took another puff and let the colors swirl before something in my head snapped. "Hey you!" i yelled out to the girl, She stopped, Shocked by my yelling. I stepped out of the shadows; she loosened up when she saw me. "You ok?" I asked worried. She looked at me trying to strain more tears, I knew she was close to breaking down. I walked up to her slowly and looked at her. "What's wrong?" I asked, I don't know how I was talking to her I’m usually pathetic around girls. I got a clear view of her face; Her blonde hair was hiding it as she looked down. She had beautiful blue eyes and regardless of how easy it was talking to her i felt queasy when she looked at me. "I...I'm....My boyfriend cheated on me" She mumbled out. I was shocked, how someone could hurt somebody as beautiful as her. "Who was it?" I asked as i snapped out of my daydream. "Who?" She replied sadly. "Who was the guy?" I asked with a smirk. "My boyfriend?" She replied curiously. "No the guy your boyfriend cheated on you with because obviously he has gone to the queer side if he let himself do that to somebody as pretty as you!" I said cheesely with a grin, my instincts had taken over. She let out a little laugh and hid her face again, I knew she was nervous. "I'm not pretty" She replied with a look of sadness in her beautiful blue eyes. "Well--" I was interrupted as i heard a loud crash, a jock had stumbled in from the back gate and was yelling loudly, He noticed me standing with her and he began to walk towards us. "Get away from her! Tammi I'm sorry babe things got a little crazy and..." Tammi looked over to him and began to shake, I looked at her as the jock walked closer "Why are you shaking?" I asked stupidly. "He's violent! He will hurt me" She said with fear in her voice. I turned to the jock... Edited January 8, 2009 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToyMachine Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Eh, the first thing that stands out is the lack of grammatical fundamentals. There are random capital letters throughout the piece as well as lower case I's. The story didn't particularly hold my attention but it is clearly not done yet. However the whole jock strap/cock thing made me laugh, albeit unintentionally. girls talking about which one had the bigger dick. Made me laugh, ya know. The only way to become a better writer is to read more. It'll improve your grammar and syntax and everything else will follow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Yeah i have just edited it, As you can see, Thing's have been fixed;) "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Just to take the opening: I was standing outside the large dormitory, the campus was pretty quiet at night, i liked it that way. By separating the fragments of this sentence with only commas, it doesn't flow very well and the subtle effect of the sentence is lost. It'd read better if you split it into two sentences, for example: I was standing outside the large dormitory. The campus was pretty quiet at night, I liked it that way. Also, you'd need something other than a comma as part of the second sentence: The campus was pretty quiet at night; I liked it that way. The opening is weighed down, though, by the repetition of sentence structure - I did this, I did that: I was standing outside the large dormitory, the campus was pretty quiet at night, i liked it that way. I sparked up a cigarette and watched as the smoke formed shapes in the cold air, Peaceful... Therefore, try to vary the way you structure your sentences. Again, the capital letters - it's become a recurring thing throughout your pieces. You must remember, after a comma use lower case, except when the word is a proper noun (for example I, a place name, or a person's name). As a sidenote, do you really use the term 'jock'? Your location is set as Britain and I would assume 'jock' is used only in America - I've never heard it used in a serious fashion elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Just to take the opening: I was standing outside the large dormitory, the campus was pretty quiet at night, i liked it that way. By separating the fragments of this sentence with only commas, it doesn't flow very well and the subtle effect of the sentence is lost. It'd read better if you split it into two sentences, for example: I was standing outside the large dormitory. The campus was pretty quiet at night, I liked it that way. Also, you'd need something other than a comma as part of the second sentence: The campus was pretty quiet at night; I liked it that way. The opening is weighed down, though, by the repetition of sentence structure - I did this, I did that: I was standing outside the large dormitory, the campus was pretty quiet at night, i liked it that way. I sparked up a cigarette and watched as the smoke formed shapes in the cold air, Peaceful... Therefore, try to vary the way you structure your sentences. Again, the capital letters - it's become a recurring thing throughout your pieces. You must remember, after a comma use lower case, except when the word is a proper noun (for example I, a place name, or a person's name). As a sidenote, do you really use the term 'jock'? Your location is set as Britain and I would assume 'jock' is used only in America - I've never heard it used in a serious fashion elsewhere. Yeah "Jock" is an american term and i thought i'd put it in that tense. Thankyou for explaining how to split sentences, I can feel better knowing i can do this. "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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