Some-thing

[DavidGC]

Don't know what this is. Take it for what it is?

 

I try open my eyes and find that I feel nothing...senses are muted to the surroundings. Silent to everything but my thoughts, rushing in from every direction. Thoughts that are like knives to the heart, stabbing away so softly. Soft but deep. I slowly fill with feeling, a warmness spreads throughout my body...leaking through every pore, escaping every bodily orifice. The numbness subsides like a lifted veil. A thunderous jolt of air kicks my lungs. Lighting? No, sobbing. However, no tears come and no shaking ensues. Tears have all been cried and my body is becoming numb once more; I couldn’t feel the tremble of an earthquake much less the feeble chatter of my limp body. But slowly the pain is replaced with another. The shift from the psychological torture of my own thoughts and regrets to a less painful physical feel. And then slowly, I slip away. Goodbye...

I think it’s time...

for me...

to go.

 

 

 

[Omnia sunt Communia]

An interesting narrative, very descriptive. You managed to describe a dying man's ailments quite well but you did not really feel for him. There seemed to be a lack of emotion in this piece. He is not feeling his death, nor is thinking about it, he is only living it.

 

Try splicing in some fragments about his state of mind, how he feels to be on his deathbed, about to die. What thoughts do you think would pass through your mind if you were about to pass on? Add them in.

 

As for grammatical errors:

 

 

I try open my eyes and find that I feel nothing...senses are muted to the surroundings.

 

Great opening line, really sets the mood for the whole piece. Though the fragment: "...senses are muted to the surroundings" seems strange to me. I would replace it with either: "...my senses are muted to the surroundings" or "...senses are muted to their surroundings."

 

 

Silent to everything but my thoughts, rushing in from every direction.

 

This would be a great opportunity to inject some of your character's thoughts. We've just been told that his thoughts are rushing in from every direction, and then we're left hanging, without a single clue as to what exactly those thoughts are.

 

 

Thoughts that are like knives to the heart, stabbing away so softly. Soft but deep.

 

I think the so in their is unneeded, and ruins the flow of the sentence. It creates a break in the pattern of reading and thus the beautiful image is lost. The second sentence is good though, reiterating what you'd previously said while adding onto it at the same time.

 

 

I slowly fill with feeling, a warmness spreads throughout my body...leaking through every pore, escaping every bodily orifice.

 

I think the simple inclusion of the word that between warmness and spreads would really help the flow of this sentence. Turning it into: "...a warmness that spreads throughout my body..." To me, the use of the body and bodily in the same sentence verges on repetition. Try hitting up a Thesaurus and finding a similar word to replace one of those.

 

 

The numbness subsides like a lifted veil. A thunderous jolt of air kicks my lungs. Lighting? No, sobbing. However, no tears come and no shaking ensues. However, no tears come and no shaking ensues. Tears have all been cried and my body is becoming numb once more; I couldn’t feel the tremble of an earthquake much less the feeble chatter of my limp body. But slowly the pain is replaced with another.

 

I really enjoyed this segment. The imagery is beautiful and well worded and really gives you a great image in your mind.

 

 

The shift from the psychological torture of my own thoughts and regrets to a less painful physical feel.

 

I hate to bring this up again, but alas we're told about his thoughts. They're "psychological torture" to him. But we're not told why. What is making these thoughts so bad? We've only been told about the physical pain, while the emotional pain is left in mystery.

 

 

And then slowly, I slip away. Goodbye...

I think it’s time...

for me...

to go.

 

As much as I like this ending, I think a little formatting could make it magnificent. For a start, every new line should start with a capital letter:

 

 

And then slowly, I slip away. Goodbye...

I think it’s time...

For me...

To go.

 

Secondly, spacing out the lines gives an image of breathlessness and time:

 

 

And then slowly, I slip away. Goodbye...

 

I think it’s time...

 

For me...

 

To go.

 

There we go.

 

The only other criticism I have is the wall of text you've presented us with. Try finding a good point to separate it into two different paragraphs, or maybe three. This way it will be easier on the eye and it will keep people's interest a lot longer. Other than that, this was a real interesting piece and I enjoyed reading it. I hope to see more from you soon.

 

 

[DavidGC]

Wow, thanks Jack, for all the pointers. Much appreciated.

[Typhus]

This is strange but well written in an overwrought, dramatic kind of way.

Did this just pop into your head?

To be honest, I'm not completely sure I like it. It reads like an angsty, woe-is-me monologue. The kind of thing you'd find in the mind of a teene boy who wears mascara and nail varnish.

Emotion works fine, but when it's excessive it all becomes hollow and meaningless.

Edited January 8, 2009 by Typhus

[Eminence]

Some excellent imagery there; the whole piece captures the torture of one's soul pretty vividly. As Jacky has mentioned, some formatting would be good - and more than making it easier on the eyes, it could serve to really enhance the effect of certain lines. If it were me, for example, I'd split into a new paragraph at "The numbness subsides..." - although that's yours to experiment with.

 

A very short, but engaging piece. Jacky's also mentioned that you could go into further detail with it, which is true - but at the same time, it's good as such a short piece in its own way. Good work.