Numb.

[Ziggy455]

Numb.

 

Four walls, they surround me like a dog in a cage. I'm yearning to be out and to be free. My mind unfortunately has the ability of a dog.

 

Yes that was it, all many years back, Back when I felt what I do not feel now.

 

They kept looking at me and toying with me, insulting me and bullying me. Like a dog being cornered by his captors, He would whine up against them and howl to his demise. My mind was like that of a dog, I had the body of a human and that one simple dog like mind.

 

Kill...

 

I was the one who ended her life, God she smelled great. She wore perfume that would make the pedophiliac teachers become rabid, Rabid to that of a dog.

 

 

I toyed with her how she had toyed with me, When you are teased and reduced to the dog like animal that you bury deep down inside you. You become uncontrollable. She was alone, Getting dressed from a practice. I had concealed my weapon like a dog conceals it's claws till’ the final pause.

 

I came close and the smell of the perfume hit me, my pupils dilate and my knife takes over. I stab down hard and slow. She is on the floor, she is playing dead.

 

She is trying to trick me but it will not work.

 

Wake Up! Get up! I stab down harder and keep the knife jammed in, Like that of a canine when his jaws lock. When I locked my jaw like the dog I became numb.

 

Numb, numb to all feeling. It was as if my energy, my humane mind had been absorbed into my attack, like a dog does not understand feeble emotions to that of regret or terror, like a dogs emotional state I became the same.

 

Now I am surrounded by these 4 walls, like a caged dog i feel nothing and i feel everything, I am numb.

 

I am numb.

 

Criticism is appreciated very much, I'd like to get better so please give me ANY help you can

Edited January 7, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Eminence]

 

Four walls, they surround me like a dog in a cage. I'm like a Dog in a cage

 

I get the feeling you've done this intentionally, but it's a really poor start - you simply can't repeat the same simile in such short succession in this manner; it doesn't work.

 

 

My mind unfortunately had the ability of a dog.

 

As the piece is in present tense, 'had' should be 'has'.

 

 

Like a dog being cornered by his captors

 

Again, it's the same simile - you need to change it up.

 

 

I came close and the smell of the perfume hit me, my pupils dilate and my knife takes over. I stab down hard and slow. She is on the floor, she is playing dead.

 

She is trying to trick me but it will not work.

 

Wake Up! Get up! I stab down harder and keep the knife jammed in, Like that of a canine when his jaws lock. When I locked my jaw like the dog I became numb.

 

This begins in the past tense - rightly so, as you're describing a flashback about the murder. But then you switch back to present, where it should remain as past.

 

And a final mistake - you're still punctuating wrong after commas; when a comma is used, the following word should have a lower case letter, not a capital.

 

 

Overall, the reference and imgery of the dog comes across as far too forced. The whole piece smacks of a forced philosophical twist, trying to sound more clever than it actually is. You mention the idea of the dog far too many times, and it loses all effect - after the opening line it loses effect, and yet you continue using the same imagery time and time again, in every paragraph right until the end.

 

I can see what you've tried to do, but it's too forced - you need to think of another way to approach the whole theme.

[Ziggy455]

Thanks I understand what you mean and yeah I know I keep repeating the comma mistake.

[Eminence]

It's no problem - I can see you're developing. Looking at how you've edited the first line now, it already looks a lot better - and the piece as a whole could've been much more effective with different imagery and symbolism used throughout.

 

But, don't fret on it now - it's all a learning exercise anyway! Just take what you've got and make sure you apply any new knowledge when you next start writing something; I'll be there to read that, too.

[Canofceleri]

It is cluttered with the sort of problems Em pointed out. I noticed off the bat, the first sentence is bad without even the repeat.

 

Four walls, they surround me like a dog in a cage. I know what you meant, but what the sentence implies is that the four walls are like a dog in a cage. Now, if you said: Four walls, they surround me as if I were a dog in a cage. That would've been more what you were going for, still poorly worded though.

 

-EDIT- Now, this is sort of nitpicking, I guess... but if your character's mind only had the ability of a dog's, I don't think there'd be much of a narrative here.

[Ziggy455]

Yes i figured because of the writers attitude his way of writing would be poor of standard as, if you could tell, he was insane.