Tranquil Gulch

[Lethal Nizzle]

This is a very small descriptive piece of a setting, something that I'm practisingg for my second batch of English coursework. This is still a work in progress, but from what my teacher's read, she thinks its, and I quote, "excellent". I need a few hints/tips or critique from you guys. Anything's welcome. Also, see if you can see what the setting is...

 

 

Set into a vast canyon lay a green-fielded gulch; a pristine, fast flowing river meandered its way from its home, an even rapidly-flowing waterfall, through the emerald-green grassed fields and opening out into a vast, clear watered lake, with behemoth-like mountains acting like church spires, twisting up into the chalk blue sky.Yet something disturbed this seemingly eternal natural peace; on either side of the canyon lay two steel structures, towering above all of the gorge and giving the landscape an almost "tampered with" view. The grey monoliths were odd in design, with strange inscriptions engraved on the tower; a small entrances laid at both sides at the base of the structures, with a larger entrance situated at the rear. On one side of the gorge the rocky cliffs had extended themselves over its edges and had made a small tunnel.The estuary that had sliced into the land was transparent, like the river that had created it, with pebbles and boulders visible under the icy liquid sheet; an immobile wooden boat lay wrecked on the small pebble shore; fragments of its once whole body were scatted along the beachhead. Something else resided on the beach; a nickel-plated handgun sat next to the very place where the water and the shore touched; it rocked against the tide, which was moving sluggishly.A spatter of crimson had not been washed from the silver contraption, an eternal message to anyone who dared to disturb the once tranquil gulch.

 

 

Your thoughts?

Edited December 4, 2008 by Lethal Nizzle

[Rhoda]

It's a tidy little piece, though it's hard to comment due to it's length. I'll give it a crack though!

 

 

Set into a vast canyon lay a green-fielded gulch; a pristine, fast flowing river meandered its way from its home, an even rapidly-flowing waterfall, through the emerald-green grassed fields and opening out into a vast, clear watered lake, with behemoth-like mountains acting like church spires, twisting up into the chalk blue sky.

 

I rather like this for an opening paragraph, though I feel the commas are overused. While you may not have much choice with a sentence like that (grammar is a fickle mistress) I'd recommend shorter or re-worked sentences. I love the description and how early on I'm able to paint a picture though.

 

 

Yet something disturbed this seemingly eternal natural peace; on either side of the canyon lay two steel structures, towering above all of the gorge and giving the landscape an almost "tampered with" view. The grey monoliths were odd in design, with strange inscriptions engraved on the tower; a small entrances laid at both sides at the base of the structures, with a larger entrance situated at the rear. On one side of the gorge the rocky cliffs had extended themselves over its edges and had made a small tunnel.

 

Again, a great paragraph that carries on some pleasant description. The only thing that bothered me was the use of the word "yet". I feel "however" would be a suitable replacement, though that may just be my personal preference. The tunnel seems to be revealed quicker than anything else too, maybe a bit of a build up by using shorter sentences would have worked equally well.

 

 

The estuary that had sliced into the land was transparent, like the river that had created it, with pebbles and boulders bisible visible under the icy liquid sheet; an immobile wooden boat lay wrecked on the small pebble shore; fragments of its once whole body were scatted along the beachhead. Something else resided on the beach; a nickel-plated hangun handgun sat next to the very place where the water and the shore touched; it rocked against the tide, which was moving sluggishly.

 

A few spelling errors here (I've chosen to strike through the original word and correct them to show you which) but I'm sure these are just typos so I would worry about that. In fear of repeating myself, these paragraphs flow well, leading on to each other lovely and fluid. I don't want to make it seem the bad outweighs the good by the way, it certainly doesn't.

 

 

A spatter of crimson had not been washed from the silver contraption, an eternal message to anyone who dared to disturbe disturb the once tranquil gulch.

 

A couple more typos (not sure if the first one is supposed to say "spatter", so I may be mistaken). A good ending; short and snappy, almost threatening. Overall, I enjoyed it!

[Lethal Nizzle]

Thanks Craig! The typos were mainly because I was typing it up from my English book, and simply tapped the wrong button. They're edited now.

 

But thanks for the quick feedback; I only wanted to post it here just to see how I could improve, and you've illustrated a few hints that I can use. Thanks.