Bloodstained Snow

[Chunk]

Hi everyone. This is my first short story I have written for WD so please review and tell me what I can improve for my next story. So please enjoy!

Bloodstained Snow

Christmas. A time when families get together and open their colourfully wrapped presents that have been sitting under a decorative tree for the past few weeks. The children rejoice when they see their sparkling new bike or their all-new pogo stick, thanking a supposedly magic fat man in a red suit for their Christmas joy. But then a few years later that joy is gone. Told the “truth” about the fat man, some children just get on with their lives, some take time to get used to it and blame their parents for lying to them and some children never get over it. The ones who never get over it are usually psychopaths who always resent their parents for putting them through years of fake joy while they knew the truth. One of these psychopaths was told the truth many years ago and now still full of resentment is about to have the best Christmas he’s ever had…

 

Snow is falling outside a small suburban house. Nobody is outside and no cars are on the road. With the exception of a red blur hiding in the bushes. The bush ruffles and the blur emerges and transforms into a man in a red suit, a red hat, a pair of big, black boots and a strap on white beard. Inside his black, buckled belt appears to be a shining object that reflects the Christmas lights. The man walks up to a house that’s door is decorated by a lovely wreath. He knocks the door and waits for the houses resident to answer. Footsteps can be heard and through the frosted glass window on the door, the man can see a woman approach. The man clinches the shining object in his belt, ready to whip it out as soon as the woman opens the door. The door is opened by the woman who is slightly bemused by this man in a red suit standing at her doorstep. “Hello..” says the bemused woman. The man whips out the previously unknown object from his belt and stabs the woman in her lower abdomen. The woman clutches her wound and stares at the man. “Merry Christmas!” said the man with a smirk on his face. The woman falls down to the ground in a pool of her own blood. She is motionless. The man cleans his knife and drags her back into her house. He places her in an armchair and walks out of the house, closing the door behind him. He walks away with a smirk on his face, having just committed a crime that would condemn him to Hell for eternity.

 

Walking away from the house he notices a group of children in the distance, singing merry carols. He begins plotting in his head an evil plan that the Devil himself wouldn’t think of. The man then notices the children’s only supervision. A pimply teenager that he could easily overcome. He slid his knife back into his belt and began walking over to the children. As he came closer and closer, he could hear the children’s sweetly, angelic voices singing “Silent Night.” As he made his way to the children they stopped singing and started marvelling at this man in a red suit. Soon enough they started running at him and grabbing onto his arms and legs and screaming things about games consoles and laptops. Then the teenager ran over and dragged the children off the man. Just as he was dragging off the last child, the man in red hit him right in the head with a snow-covered rock. The teenager lay on the ground with blood seeping from his head. The children screamed but the man soon dragged them into a dark alleyway. The children lined up against the wall, whimpering with tears rolling down their face. The man pulled out his knife and stabbed a chubby, little kid. All the rest of the children screamed with horror at the fat kid’s dead body. The man then slit all the children’s throats, with his white beard covered in innocent children’s blood. The man walked out of the alleyway, cleaning his knife and smirking uncontrollably. He knew what he had just committed couldn’t be redeemed. And that was what made him happy. Suddenly he heard crunching footsteps in the snow behind him. He turned his head and saw the teenager, holding the same rock he has earlier been smashed in the head with. The man then felt a piercing feeling in the side of his own head. He fell to the ground, dropping his knife. His body lay in the bloodstained snow. With his last few moments of life he thought of who he really was. He was the man in red. And he had just had a very merry Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Eddie280]

One or two things I've picked up on:

 

 

He knocks the door and waits for the houses resident to answer. Footsteps can be heard and through the frosted glass window on the door, the man can see a woman approach. The man clinches the shining object in his belt, ready to whip it out as soon as the woman opens the door. The door is opened by the woman who is slightly bemused by this man in a red suit standing at her doorstep. “Hello..” says the bemused woman. The man whips out the previously unknown object from his belt and stabs the woman in her lower abdomen. The woman clutches her wound and stares at the man. “Merry Christmas!” said the man with a smirk on his face. The woman falls down to the ground in a pool of her own blood. She is motionless. The man cleans his knife and drags her back into her house. He places her in an armchair and walks out of the house, closing the door behind him.

 

You use alot of heavy punctuation throughout the piece (using this passage as an example). The description is rather weighty and unimaginative 'He does this', 'She does that'. In future writing try and use more subtlety, adjectives and interesting sentence structure. Otherwise the story loses it's rhythm.

 

Another aspect which hampers the narrative is the random changes of tense:

 

Walking away from the house he notices a group of children in the distance, singing merry carols. He begins plotting in his head an evil plan that the Devil himself wouldn’t think of. The man then notices the children’s only supervision. A pimply teenager that he could easily overcome. He slid his knife back into his belt and began walking over to the children. As he came closer and closer, he could hear the children’s sweetly, angelic voices singing “Silent Night.” As he made his way to the children they stopped singing and started marvelling at this man in a red suit.

 

KEY

Present

Past

 

This, again, disrupts the overall flow of the piece and makes it somewhat laborious to read. Addressing these points will greatly improve your writing.