Together in the Warmth of Winter

[Eminence]

~!

Edited July 14, 2009 by Eminence

[The Unvirginiser]

I liked it, I see what you were trying to do. Most of the WD short pieces are 'twists', like this one. Masterkraft and Phusion do a lot of these, as do I.

 

The thing is Phil, I just felt the piece didn't seem natural. An excellent and effective use of description in parts, a brilliant demonstration of grammatical skill and knowledge of punctuation. It just felt a little lifeless, I know the piece was entirely descriptive, aiming to trick the reader with the twisted ending. I just think a narrative piece would suit you a little better, to me, this just seemed like an excuse to show off skill and to use big words.

 

Like I said, I know what you were doing and you did it well. Good piece, and how will our entries effect the, now "Free write" competition?

[Eminence]

I just think a narrative piece would suit you a little better

What's this, if not narrative?

 

I do understand what you're saying - as well as the whole twist thing. That's nothing to do with WD, it's to do with the composition of short-stories; they're often driven on a twist due to the fact that no true exposition can take place. It's not exclusive to a few people - that's how the entire genre is made up. In any case, I had the idea of where I wanted to set it (and therefore what the twist would be) and went through a couple of other completely different draft attempts telling it in a completely different style, before settling somewhat reluctantly on this. So, it's not just 'an exercise in using big words and skills'.

 

 

Good piece, and how will our entries effect the, now "Free write" competition?

 

I completely disagree with Phusion's ruling there, and think he should null that whole 'free' idea and stick by the original theme. Otherwise, what's the point?

[Oxidizer]

This is excellent, almost flawless, but I can kind of see where Will's coming from. It's a little... clinical?

 

Though it's still a high-quality piece and the little twist at the end was well-played . It's got your trademark writing style, and elements that reminded me a little of Will's November entry and Flicko's slavery entry from a couple of months back; altogether a thoroughly good piece.

 

Wicked job!

Edited November 17, 2008 by Oxidizer

[The Unvirginiser]

 

In any case, I had the idea of where I wanted to set it (and therefore what the twist would be) and went through a couple of other completely different draft attempts telling it in a completely different style, before settling somewhat reluctantly on this. So, it's not just 'an exercise in using big words and skills'.

 

Well, not a mind reader am I?

 

I know what you mean about the general short story cliché of having a twist. But as you said, it's kind of how the genre is made up. And by narrative I meant characters with a narrative driven plot.

Don't get me wrong Phil, I'm not carpet bombing your work. I liked that it's different and you had some beautiful description in there, I also like that it wasn't held down by the tyranny of short stories. You did something different and you did it well.

 

I agree, stick with the theme, if that's what the winner chose then tough tits. Part of writing is reaching out to areas that you wouldn't usually delve in to that challenge your skill.

[Eminence]

Part of writing is reaching out to areas that you wouldn't usually delve in to that challenge your skill.

Nail on the head, man, nail on the head.

 

Heh, I'm not saying you're carpet bombing it (nice metaphor) - just replying to your observations. The more criticism the better!

 

Andy; clinical? Not sure what you're getting at. Cynical? Or clinical as in there's no real feeling and it seems a bit robotic - lifeless, as was stated previously?

[Oxidizer]

 

Andy; clinical? Not sure what you're getting at. Cynical? Or clinical as in there's no real feeling and it seems a bit robotic - lifeless, as was stated previously?

Clinical. Don't get me wrong, it's very good and I thought it was pretty tight, and 'lifeless' wouldn't be the word I'd use - far from it, but it seemed a little bit... emotionless?

 

Due to the grammatical side of things, it took a while to decipher the feelings in it, unlike your other works (which you know I'm a fanboy of ).

 

There's quite a few phrases (I'm not sure what the proper term is) crammed in there too close to each other which makes it a bit difficult to get into the actual story. I think those could've done with a bit of balancing out, not using them so reguarly and within such close proximity of one another.

 

I think it just needs toning down a little bit; it is brilliant, but too much brilliance can sometimes make for difficult reading.

[The Unvirginiser]

Yeah, Phil, parts of it just felt like you died and the encyclopaedia took over Proper and strict grammar rules are all well and good... but where's the love?

[Eminence]

I wouldn't be able to say... there may be a reason behind it each time. I'd have to know exactly what you're looking at. Although, I will admit, looking at it now it does seem a little verbose.

[Vercetti21]

May I ask - Will and Andy - how is there no emotion? The entire piece is based on emotion. The guy rejoices for the holiday, then reflects fear. Hell, all it is is emotion. No characters, no solid plot, or any other distractions. If it lacked anything, I would say it'd be the aforementioned, which are excluded from the piece for a reason. The fear is derived from the narrator's uncertainty of what will happen to him, listing the different horrors of living in a third-world country. Which is why the character and plot are unclear, in my opinion.

 

I thought it was great. Only thing that seemed a bit off to me was the vocabulary, as previously stated. This piece is a breathing encyclopedia - which can be good, don't get me wrong - only it's told through the eyes of a (presumingly) uneducated, poverty-stricken man.

[Eminence]

I thought it was great. Only thing that seemed a bit off to me was the vocabulary, as previously stated. This piece is a breathing encyclopedia - which can be good, don't get me wrong - only it's told through the eyes of a (presumingly) uneducated, poverty-stricken man.

I call artistic license!

 

Hehe, I get where you're coming from with that. In this case, the character himself isn't really portrayed through the linguistic style, which is a little bit of a downfall in creating his character - it might have been more effective for him to be a little less verbose, a little more colloquial. That's definitely something I'll have to try with a future piece.

 

Thanks for the comments; most appreciated. I'm glad you've made the point about the emotion throughout it, too, as you've really picked up on the lack of real plot in favour of the inner-thoughts.